New Year Ramble

Years ago when my children were small. I would regularly meet other mothers with their little ones for coffee and chats the kids would play and we would put the world to rights. We would laugh and compare stories and to be honest these sessions were a life saver for me and the kids. There was this one particular child who shall we say wasn’t kind he would regularly take toys away from the others and would slap bite and genuinely be extremely unkind.  Every week he appeared to have a vendetta against a different child and the fear  on their little face was obvious. The inevitable tears that flowed afterwards would break your heart and his mother never did a thing she would sit and watch whilst we all took it in turns to discipline her son as you can imagine this began to eat away at me and resentment began to build. On this particular day it was my daughters turn and he decided to follow her into the kitchen and bite a lump out of her arm she ran into the lounge tears streaming down her face her arm out stretched in front of her  as she attempted to show me the teeth marks in it. As any mother knows we all have a hidden tiger and now it was my turn to show him off. I launched into his mother and demanded she tell him off and I was not prepared for the reply  and to this day I have never forgotten her words ....

‘Some people are born with the word victim stamped on their foreheads’

 

Years later I can still hear her saying this and even though my daughter is in her 20s now these words still  resonates with in me, was his mother  right? Are there such things as born victims or are these people a direct result of other peoples treatment of them and the apparent lack of parenting skills of the few? This I feel is very noticeable as the odd few do seem to think it is ok to behave badly and are not accountable for their actions as it always seems to be someone else’s fault? Time and time again we see on the news or in the press people have done the most appalling things to others and every single time it because their parents were divorced or an ex partner did this or that why is it NEVER their fault? I firmly believe children should be taught to be responsible for their own actions and the effect these actions have on others. These so called victims are often people who prefer to not make a fuss and stay quiet for the benefit of others  is this wrong? as  we appear to have created a generation who are responsible for nothing and a growing army of ‘victims’  I look forward to the day when these ‘victims’ turn around and say enough is enough I no longer want to be walked all over and take back the control.

 

It’s that damp time of the year when the excitement of Christmas is over and the dreaded credit card bill lands on the door mat . The time of year that makes as focus on the past year and the mistakes we made and the promise we make to ourselves to make them all again only bigger this time (well in my case anyway) that time of year when we make the promises that we can’t possibly  keep and the wish to improve our lives in often ridiculous ways. I have decided as always that I’m going to be more positive and to eat less cake some of you may think this is trivial and if you find it easy I wish you luck I am unfortunately not that lucky and I have the expanding waist line to prove it. I am often startled when caught off guard in shops when I catch a glimpse of my reflection and the resemblance to my mother grows more obvious every year. I am however becoming braver or perhaps my eye sight is failing  either way I am becoming comfortable with the knowledge I am not getting any younger . I dye my hair every few weeks and will not be seen without my signatory pink lipstick but I do not feel the need for the desperate lengths some women go to too look younger the endless pouting selfies on social media  and the weekend mirror shot complete with mobile in hand for the full length effect I have reached a time in my life when I find this alien and it’s not for me, neither is the obglitory office party or social gathering. I am not sure if this is a result of living with a husband with Aspergers or living with a chronic pain condition either way I’m a miserable cow at the moment and much prefer a session with my ever growing collection of pens pencils and colouring books and a large mug of tea.

 

On one final note my husband has noticed just recently on TV the way aspergers is pronounced as ‘Ass burgers’ he hates this and often shouts ‘I have no burgers up my ass’

This always makes me laugh it's as if they can hear him ! 

Arguing with my Aspie Husband

 

Sticks and Stones version 2 

 

How many times have we had a really angry fight with someone, called them all sorts of names only to collapse on the floor in hysterics? How many times have we sat at work constantly checking our mobiles for the apology text, positive we are not going to cave in first!. 

I hate arguing, really I do......as a kid my mother would always sense 'one brewing' often picking a fight in order to 'clear the air' and it nearly always would involve a furious argument but there would be all smiles again by tea time. Personally I think there's a lot of people out there who bite their tongues so often they have teeth marks in them and the nasty feelings build up to the extent that they have to come out at all at once, often in a torrent so strong it is frightening for both them and the recipient. However this is done its never pleasant. I remember one particular argument with my first husband which involved a cup of tea. I was not speaking to him at the time but I made it none the less and instantly tipped it down the sink refusing to give it to him. This resulted on the following day in a blank piece of paper with no words as he was not speaking to me either, normally I would have received a daily note.

We often behave like children, often reacting badly to stress and those outside influences that affect us and therefore take them home to the people we love. I hate feeling that any little thing could trigger a fierce row, the egg shell walking and avoidance strategies I have learnt to use over the years. I miss the mad passion that happens afterwards, the apology flowers, the chocolates and the cries of ‘I will try harder’  and 'I can only do my best' - we cannot do more than that. I am not perfect, nor do I always behave perfectly but I love and have feelings for people and things. I also have a sense of humour, which I am relying on 'more n more' and now thanks to this blog i have an avenue to express myself ….

And I can still count to 10 ..............

 

Pain and other Issues

The Problem with Pain

 

We all feel pain, some of us more than others but pain varies from person to person and depends on many things. Some people can experience terrible things and manage to carry out their day to day routines as if nothing is wrong. They keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ whilst displaying a calm teflon exterior which cannot be penetrated under any circumstances. Then there is the other type of person who breaks a finger nail and screams like a baby for hours, only feeling better once they are totally submerged in self-pity and the large dose of attention the screaming has resulted in for them. There are all types of person and all types of pain and we have all stood on the lone Lego brick hiding in the rug, or the toe stubbing incident which resulted in the unleashing of swear words some of which were previously unknown. This type of pain is short and sharp and luckily disappears as fast as it appeared.

 

Then there is 'chronic bad pain' - this type of pain is continual by nature and never leaves you. It may be worse one day than another but it never goes and your body is supposed to get used to it. Slowly you become adapted to a new life of taking pain killers, resting and the prospect of a life somewhat different from the one you had before. You can either accept this or fight it, either way the effect this has is horrendous. Suddenly every single day becomes a challenge, the endless choices of how to use your energy and the repercussions of these choices is personal and I often find myself sacrificing an entire week if a particular family event is considered to be worth it.

 

I work and I work hard, the nature of my job means I have to concentrate, remember a lot of information. Some of this information only remains in my brain because I have done that particular task so often it becomes second nature, I do however react badly to change and new things. I have had to learn new processes, new systems and meet new staff members all of which cause me untold problems. I take pain killers but often the side effects of this is more horrendous than the pain and certainly more unsociable. Rushing to the loo can be extremely embarrassing when in a room full of people plus the after effects for some unfortunate soul is also wanting the loo after you as they scan the office looking for the culprit of the offending odour. 

Now please don’t sit and say ‘oh please’ this has happened to all of us ..

 

I am by nature an upbeat type of person, always available for a giggle or a practical joke and I have at times had the office in stitches. I am lucky that my work colleges are so supportive and they totally understand my condition but this has not always been the case. I am very grateful for there support I simply could not function without it. Please try to remember that not all disabilities are visible, mine isn’t. I try to manage and I have a blue badge to help me so I often use disabled parking spaces as mobility is difficult and the looks with nasty comments from people are hurtful. These comments, in actual fact are often from other disabled people who believe because all my limbs are still attached I must be fine!  We have history of inconsiderate neighbours who park so close to my car it’s impossible to drive away without some unnecessary ‘too’ing and fro’ing’. 

If people were less quick to judge each other, my life would be so much easier and if people learnt that not everything has to be completed yesterday I’m sure their lives would be nicer too.

 

 

 

you are too normal ....

July 2015

You are too normal you are ! 

If you tell a child often enough they wont amount to much they will grow up believing it.

This statement is true totally 100% true, that's why some of the comments I have received about this blog have surprised me. I was told this week I had inspired someone to write. This came as a shock because I wasn't even sure I was writing myself... so far all I have done is bare my soul. 

This I have managed to do because you are all anonymous. This blog isn't advertised on my FaceBook account and the majority of my followers on Twitter are photos and user names. Whilst I share my life's up and downs with the world I can continue with my invisibility and with that invisibility comes safety. 

All my life I have tried to live up to other people's expectations and have always felt I had failed. My parents never appeared to be pleased with any thing I did nor did my first husband for that matter and I am always surrounded by more intelligent/prettier/nicer people than myself or so it often  seems - therefore writing this blog has given me an avenue to express myself and much to my pleasure I am finding people have enjoyed reading it! This is good and better than any of the many counselling sessions I have completed.

To remove someone's self worth is one of the worst things you can do and I am now in the process of finding mine all over again. Please don't pity me or think I'm digging for compliments I'm not, all I want is to feel I've accomplished something and that includes making people laugh. 

It dawned on me today that the first 20 years of my life I tried so hard to look older and the rest trying just as hard to look younger. Life isn't the fun packed adventure I bought into as a child and to be honest I was miss-sold it! Once you become a grown up and you loose your sparkle it becomes harder to justify what you have done and what you would like to do with the time remaining. This bothers me lots and we will probably talk about this at some point but at the moment I'm feeling pretty cheated and I'm hoping in years to come I could maybe ask for a refund just as the PPI scandal has since come to light now...

I was told this morning I was too normal? I am still unsure if this was a compliment or an insult, or for that matter what normal actually means but for now I'm going along with it...... 

A new addition and fascinating conversations

I had decided after a long break to knock writing this on the head, I had decided no one was really interested in the ramblings of a middle aged woman with possibly no sense what so ever. The woman who chases fat women around super markets after reduced cakes, the woman who forgets her own name and often is reduced to screaming fits by her equally strange husband. 

Then someone restored my faith in human nature and gave me the kick up the ass I so desperately needed so here goes I can’t promise how many or how often but I will keep going so here we go ....

'Why do people not do what they say?' 

That's a question I'm asked a lot, along with 'am I doing this right'? And 'Do people really like what I do?'

 All these questions and more, some very similar I'm often asked - even after a rather successful evening in London recently when Jonathan managed to captivate an audience of rather famous faces with his rather 'strange' if not very different view of the world. He was explaining how you turn pictures and random sounds into music. It was said in the rather droll 'matter of fact' way that you or I would probably produce an audio description of the making of a cheese sandwich! It was then that the realisation as to how far Jon has come in our time together slapped me across my chops - he had their undivided attention, the what to him was so everyday normal yet to us so strange and different is fascinating to others. I have spent many an evening sat at home watching Jools Holland and his amazing fingers weave tunes from nothing on his piano - I admit I've admired his talent and have welcomed the new year in with him and his many friends many many times - yet here he was stood in front of Jon for 20 minutes absolutely captivated as he explained in full 'neurodiverse' style. On the train on the way home the penny dropped and the evening began to feel very surreal - eh? did that just happen? Wow! Yes he has come such a long way .....and there are new 'things to come' happening right now I can't believe either

I’m very proud of Jon, I try and do my best to support him in the only way I know how. This mainly involves me clinging on for grim death as the ride 'that is our life' throws us from one 'perceived social disaster' to another only too often for my liking!! I am now looking forward to the next period of calm and praying it will last a little bit longer than the last one did and that somewhere within the calm is the possibility of a new pair of shoes at least. Seriously though supporting somebody like Jon is actually extremely difficult, well for me anyway. Possibly he would see it differently but this is my blog so It’s my opinion that counts. 

But It is very hard to almost second guess things, to try and think of answers for things that may never happen like he does and then find solutions for almost 'imaginary problems' that nobody else has ever even thought of - let alone try to solve them before they happen. If I had applied all of these rules to driving on the motor way I would have crashed a long time ago as driving is a very see it and act instantly type of pastime, you do not have the time to think about all the scenarios involved in complex moves - almost like a chess game this I find really tiring as I’m sure he does but for me it really does drain me. I am getting used to it and can fend off most things but occasionally I can’t and more often than not these days Jon's almost sixth sense is proved right as things break or leak just as he said they would a few months before. This isn’t always the case but It brings with it a sense of unease. I find myself in a no win situation and have to decide when the words are going to come out of my mouth and the inevitable row will begin. 'You can't be too careful' 

It was my birthday in September and we decided to buy Horace a friend. We had been looking for a while and I was very worried about how it would change the dynamics of the household but neither one of us were prepared for Weezly (Hektor) a tiny little ginger cross who's mother is a rag doll and who's dad apparently we don't talk about. The fuss and uproar this little fella has caused is unbelievable our days are spent checking where they are who is eating who's dinner and who started the punch - up honestly they are worse than kids! Horace seems to be the main target for jumping on and chasing but as Horace is a lot larger we are keeping a close eye on them. Jon finds the play fighting very stressful but I can see progress is being made just very slowly. 

I wish I could tell you more about things that are going on I can't unfortunately not yet anyway but you can be assured I will when I can. I have how ever attached a link on here to a little documentary about Jonathan it's worth a watch and finally on the train on the way home from London I asked him if he managed to take any photos whilst Jools played the piano or perhaps some of the evening in general yes he said so I have enclosed one of them for you to see very funny indeed....

  http://www.artscatalyst.org/projects/detail/jon_adams_konfirm/

A very interesting table top ....... Honestly!!!! 

80s memories and disappointment

Well the time has flown by and it seems months since I last posted - in fact I’ve not tweeted much either. I guess i have not been my usual self and have been very miserable indeed. Not in an absolutely unhappy way but just not-sociable and kind of 'out of sorts' way. I am slowly turning into a mad mix of my parents and 'himself' and I am not impressed by this realisation and have decided to do something about it now before it’s too late. If I start drinking horlicks and buying slippers whilst sat under a blanket then I will give myself a good talking to I promise and himself will probably comment way before then so I'm safe. It’s not that I don’t like my parents but I am not ready to turn into a mirror image just yet and as for unsociable I like and mostly understand people - we at least 1000% more than Jon does. I can choose he can't.......

 

This week has been hard, in-fact the last month has been possibly one of the hardest in the history of me. I have wrestled with the mentality of some people and the constant struggle to just continue with day to day normality has been horrendous. I have tried so hard to remain calm and unstressed but I have failed miserably on many levels. Jonathan has also had his own battles mainly with the inconsistencies of others and the vast promises they make him time and time again only to leave him totally unsupported when a few months down the line the grass appears greener somewhere else. This he finds unforgivable and the effect this has on him and ultimately me is catastrophic. This disappointment he feels in people is not an over exaggerated statement either and each time this happens the effects linger for longer between us never totally forgotten. I worry so much about this and I hope each time will be the last but it never is and to be honest I’m tired too with the DLA battles we have both faced. Mind you his trips to Cambridge seem to bring treasure - they understand him - well they flipping well should and see the hidden in him. But I no longer rush to NEXT and spend a fortune trying to comfort myself with new shoes, tops and hand bags nor do I spend money on endless bottles of nail varnish but it does create a hole that never seems to fill itself. I do buy things but not on the level I have previously that’s a fools game and after the novelty of a shiny new bag has worn off the worry of the credit card bill is far more worrying. So what’s a girl to do? How can I distress when most of the time I am either sat at my desk at work or sat in my car on the motorway? Mega yawn  - home tea bed work home bed its a groundhog day reeeeeppppeeeat......without the cute furry animal or comedy.

 

Still I have rediscovered 80s rock that’s how - it’s so much fun driving my little car whilst singing loudly along to the likes of Whitesnake, Meatloaf, ACDC, Motorhead etc Its blooming hilarious. The looks I have received are legendary and I love it! music was so much better then, now I know that is probably not something I should say for fear of sounding old but it was!! Honestly I remember dressing up in black leather and climbing onto the back of a motor bike (waiting till we were at the end of our road of course otherwise if spotted my dad would have gone mad) and zooming off into the sunset hair streaming in the wind. Well in reality it wasn’t as exciting more often or not I was cold, bum ache like you wouldn’t believe and hair that was totally horrendous for days afterwards more often than not when we got to our chosen destination I could hardly move. Thanks to dear old fibromyalgia that bit has never changed. I used to long for a fella with a car so I could wear skirts and heels and arrive with hair that was shiny and silky with un-smudged make up and no dead flies on my jacket but that didn’t happen until many years later. Now ironically I miss it - the thrill of the bend, the roar of the engine, the closeness of being pillion snuggled into the small of someone’s back and the speed! But I am afraid these days it is not possible for me to climb on one never mind hold tight as the speedo hits the ton. Mind you if the hamster turned up I may fling the walking stick and ................

 

I wish I had concentrated at school, I wish I knew things ... I mean real stuff not who is going out with who and which store sells the best low rise ankle boots for this season. Like himself always full of those annoying little facts - saying things before the TV does - but he wouldn't be him if he didn't!  Brains never seemed to come my way -  I can remember my mum screaming at me out of pure frustration whilst trying to teach me to tell the time. My sister was always the clever one and I really would like to be able to understand half the stuff that drones out of the radio that Jon insists on listening to for hours every week. I haven’t the energy to enrol in a night class or open university course and my job takes the majority of my energy but it would be great to impress people with my knowledge of a subject as opposed to my humour which people always seem to appreciate. Don’t get me wrong it’s not with self pity I write this but just occasionally I get frustrated with myself. 

I found out only a few months ago I am dyspraxic this has answered so many questions from my past. It explains why It took me so long to learn to drive - why when I did the steering was so difficult and why 'I can’t dance' but that sounds like a Genesis song when music was good.........

It's been a long long week 

Long overdue ramblings and Percy Pigs

Hello again, better a bit late than never, I don't have time to make so much as a squeak or even a 'rude bottom noise' anymore. I am either driving to work, working, driving home or asleep yep or driving whilst dreaming, I've pretty much got the life I've always wanted NOT. As the song said years ago 'where is my furry sun where have all the cowboys gone?' It's manic at work and this heat tends to bring out the worst in people. Rudeness is never acceptable, we are all hot, we all wish we were on the beach, we all need to learn manners as they cost nowt and could make somebodies day!! 

Take a few days ago - I was walking outside  trying to get a bit of a break when I was sent flying by a student - unsure of nationality but Italian I think. He never even apologised he looked at me and ran off leaving me on the pavement looking like a bundle of washing - damp washing at that. I struggled back to work and decided that I would not venture out again without my stick incase it happens again. My stick is not my friend it gives me blisters and makes me feel even more vulnerable - it's almost like a target for 'would be' assassins like him but I'm resigned to the fact it is becoming a necessity.

I love my job - I like the people and for the first time also my manager but I have given up on the trains (made me hurt) what a faff they are and expensive! Late hot and stuffed full of morons even dear old Amy Winehouse on headphones couldn't drown out the misery so I vowed I would no longer use them and have driven ever since. My radio is my friend and we chat most of the way - I laugh - answer them and arrive at work refreshed and in a good mood rather than the headachy mess I was before. I no longer have to listen to idiots shouting into mobiles or eating pasties at 7am - oh yes that happens - nor do I have the horrendous struggle to the office from the station. Until the rail companies do something about 'not so quiet' carriages and the cost I would rather drive - in fact I'd rather stick pins under my finger nails but that's another story.

Weekends now consist of food shopping at night (Aspie thing for Jon) housework and nail painting and the over whelming urge to eat my body weight in Percy pigs the best thing to come out if M&S since the sliced loaf. How can their profits fall when the whole country eats them? Their clothes i feel are out dated and expensive but Percy and his friends are fab. Colin the caterpillar comes a close second by the way but Percy is my favourite. He even has a FB page!

I've got a few reasons to be proud of myself as I have learnt another computer system at work and that's with fibro brain plus I have learnt my new title is a 'fibromite'. Isn't that dreadful how people have to be labeled in some way and how suddenly the hash tag becomes so important on the tweets that they type. I don't feel the need to do this - yes I'm disabled - yes I'm in chronic pain but I'm also me and I am not defined by my conditions. Neither am I under any illusion that I will get any better but there is so much more to me than fibromyalgia - there is the arthritis as well !! Lol but seriously I don't feel the need for a label. If you like me or don't like me for that matter its because of what's in or out of my head not because I've got this horrible condition.

For a long time now I have watched this government and their treatment of disabled people - I have watched their smug grins during the Olympics as the athletes won awards for this country plus the how proud are we speeches. The shambles that is the ATOS controversy of assessments since is heart breaking - how suddenly paralympians are relegated from hero status - now they have become virtual scroungers and are having the most appalling time since. I myself have had a taste of it last Monday and its a bitter taste I tell you. What this country is doing to disability is in my opinion a crime whilst I agree a few people do swing the lead as it where an awful lot more are genuinely loosing out on money they need to live, work and live a normal life. I feel this government is taking us back to the dark ages with their opinions and views that are so out dated its shocking. I feel that ATOS HCP's appear to be declaring most people fit for work, a lot of them are not and a lot have died because of stress etc and of those who appeal about half go on to win. This costs the country more than the benefit would in the first place!! How does that work? So a doc can treat a patient for most of their life yet does not know as much as an ATOS HCP who interviews them for an hour guided by 'set questions' and gives them silly tasks to do. I have since been told that moving forward when appealing that doctors will not be encouraged or even banned to aid the patient with the evidence of their condition either. I feel this is possibly the worst case of a government cover up I've ever seen? Even the debate in parliament where MP Liam Byrne spoke so brilliantly seemed to have been sabotaged by late comers - if you don't sit in the debate you shouldn't be able to vote? - did you see that ? Maybe they would prefer as all to disappear totally it makes me so bloody angry. Anyway enough about that I try to keep politics off here as its not about that, but I felt I had to say something as it borders on a national disgrace or 'eugenics' by the front door as its not even hidden. 

Why is it in this heat people feel the need to expose white bits? White bits that let's be honest are not the prettiest. Or why young girls wear the shortest shorts that leave the bum cheek exposed and give lots of old guys an eyeful! I've seen some sights this week -  I've seen some terrible tattoos and I've seen a lot if guys with bigger breasts than me. Whilst you think you look lovely spare a thought for the other people out there who may not have eaten their lunch and for goodness sake deodorant is needed for a reason especially if you sit next to someone during the day or on the bus. I for one prefer the winter as I love thick wooly jumpers and boots and I always manage to keep hold of my lunch ......and my white bits!

Is it Friday yet??? .....

I am writing this with one eye half closed and the other propped up with a matchstick. Running on empty is the correct terminology I believe. I absolutely love my new job and I begin another round of training next week, it is better than all at once I think as my poor old brain cannot cope with too much in one go. I am starting to remember people’s names as well - this is always a bonus especially when I am calling them across the office - its embarrassing but yes I have done that!. The only drawback is the trains, I know I said I would drive but I chickened out at the last minute - when I leave the house I am not awake therefore I consider myself a danger to other road users and at least on the train I can doze a while longer. In actual fact I am getting an earlier train now and even though it gets me to work at stupid o clock it works out better as it is less busy, this I prefer as I still hate some other commuters with a passion. Especially mouth breathers who breathe all their germs all over you whilst you try and sink into the seat and become invisible as I do every morning. On the train back I actually do not care I am so glad to be homeward bound I would gladly whip my top off if it meant getting a window seat.

I am actually a little upset - as I hold a disabled rail card this entitles me to a seat with a little bit more leg room as with my bad hip I need it but there is always people sat in them already as most seem to prefer the extra leg room. On top of each seat is a notice that states if a disabled person asks you to need to move but I am often too scared to ask anyone so every journey I sit in agony - stupid yes but I cannot be the only one -  people are so unpredictable so I am sensible.... aren’t I? One day I will pluck up the courage but it’s really difficult - again because I look relatively normal with a hidden disability but it is frustrating never the less. 

On the subject on frustrating let me tell you about Jon and the fact he has warn himself out completely working virtually nonstop for the last few years. His obsession is his work and he will never change, I have nagged him relentlessly for such a long time but he refuses to listen to me and continues on. Its the one side of aspergers i don't like - the obsessive driveness. Whilst he is improving and promoting his image art wise he is not doing anything promote his image with me! I have grown used to this but I do often long for a long weekend away that doesn’t involve trudging around a field planting book flags or standing on a remote beach somewhere blue with cold whilst he lays down flat in the mud staring endlessly at rocks and tiny fossils. (Who by the way are his friends!) Is it so wrong that I desperately miss the social side of other people, the buzz and the rush I used to get from getting ready to go out to a club or pub, and the hangover afterwards. It kind of feels like my life is slipping away from me and I am wasting the time - either too tired to do anything or upset because Jonathan is having to keep working. If and when I breach the subject with him I risk his temper and that is not pleasant because he fights his corner when he sees things as necessary. So finally He has reached a point this week when the nonstop stress and work caught up with him and rendered him 'standstillable' unwell so a forced few days rest were ordered but I don’t think It will make any difference and in a few weeks he will be back to normal. Therefore maybe I need to advertise for a companion as they sometimes do, that sounds terribly old though......

Last weekend my youngest introduced us to her latest who we both like - I am unsure if I should tell her though if I do it may be the kiss of death for their relationship as it is possible she may decide she doesn’t like him just because I do, honestly!!! She would ... kids can be so confusing and contrary. Before they came to visit I nipped out to buy a 'cutty cake', just something to offer with tea so he didn’t think we were unsociable. I realise he would probably have preferred butties & larger but I felt tea and cake was more civilised, I didn’t want him to think badly of us. So I headed off to Morrisons to choose a nice cake and to possibly get some flowers as well. When I got there a lot of products had been reduced including all the fresh cream cakes so that was an easy decision. There was about twelve boxes left and I picked up a box and I was just about to get another when this enormous woman almost killed me to get to the fridge - she lifted up the remaining boxes and put them ALL into her trolley and trotted off!! I was stunned as to her rudeness and the fact she had picked them all up so incensed with rage And on a mission I followed her silently - I was like an assassin slowly creeping up behind her - in for the kill - whilst I waited for her to stop and turn her back. When we got as far as the cat litter - that was actually on offer - she turned and stopped so I swooped and lifted a box clean off the top of the  pile that she had greedily stashed away in her trolley. I marched off elated grinning from ear to ear with my ill gotten gains - YES - I felt good - I had pinched them from her .... I hurried to the checkout to pay and I was away out of there still smiling. I felt I had done my good deed for the day - she didn’t need all of those cakes anyway and I was there first. Once I returned home I roared with laughter as the conversations turned to me and all the jokes about why she had all of them in the first place but I still felt good. Even Jon approved too........

I’ve had a heavy head cold this week which has laid me low so I have not managed to tweet a lot and this has made me a bit sad I have some lovely followers and to ignore them is rude so I am actually considering a twitter break. The fact that I am out of the house working so much now and when I am home I am shattered all adds to the realisation that possibly a week away from it totally will allow me a breathing space - away from the worry of whether I do or do not reply to direct tweets or lovely comments.  I enjoy it enormously and have done for a long time but just occasionally it can become intrusive so if I vanish from your follower list don’t worry I will be back and you guys will know why in advance. I have not totally decided yet I am still thinking but I am considering. 

Anyway this evening I am off to see Cats with youngest so I’m a little excited, I’ve never actually wanted to see it but she does so we are going but to be honest Id rather spend the night with my own cat at home, poor Horace I miss him during the day now .............

It’s been a good week well so far at least ....................

A busy week ........phew not used to it yet

Apologies for the lack of blogidge of the last couple of weeks but those of you who do read this 'between the lines' will realise that I have started my new full time job, so time is pretty scarce at the moment to say the least.

My job is really good, I've begun to make friends and I seem to have the same sense of humour as the rest of the guys so that's a bonus. I work weekdays 9/5 which is great after YEARS of late's weekends etc so I'm pleased to now be able to book anything I like in for an evening without having to check first. That's the plus side the negatives are after spending the last couple of years working a lot less hours it is suddenly really hard to jump up to full time. That and the house work seem to wipe me out to the point of tears but this is something that with time I will get used to but it seems a long way off at the moment. My fibro is really kicking off but I'm determined to work through it until it becomes normal and my aches pains and tiredness calm down. I've found very little time for twitter and I've not had the energy to be very sociable - either such a change for me.

I have over the last two weeks also been using the train all I can say is OMG - I now know why I learnt to drive. People do not seem to have any idea of what a quiet carriage is nor the meaning of personal space. The other morning a woman sat under the quiet sign and typed for nearly an hour, no problem in that - no - but her keyboard miaowed every time she hit a letter! After 10mins I wanted to rip her head off! I've had to put up with noisy headphones, mobile phones, boring conversations, coughing, sneezing, nose picking and a daft old woman who didn't smell to clever greeting everybody who entered our carriage with the expression of 'its a bit blowy out there'. That and the feeling of nausea that creeps over me when I smell the unwashed or the over sprayed woman waft over me. On one journey in the bloke next to me gelled his hair, sprayed his pits and ate his breakfast!! I kid you not .

I hate the train. I hate everything about it, the cost, the time tables, the passengers and the endless stops - when all I want to do is climb in the bath and wash that unclean feeling away. By the time I get home I'm a nervous wreck, stressed to the eyeballs and over tired. So next week I'm going to drive in. At least if I do I will no longer have to get to the station in double quick time or wait nearly 30mins. I am expecting to sit in traffic and to curse other road users but I will have my iPod and no other passengers so I'm sure it will be better. So car full up and route planned.

On Friday after work I came home full of dread knowing that the house needed a bit of attention as I'd avoided it all week. I set to it a room at a time strangely empowered by the feeling of a weekend at home I finished including two loads of washing at about 8pm and decided to pause for tea then after catching up on a few emails at about 10pm I went shopping! Never before have I gone so late but I was amazed as to how much better it is no people in my way. No fighting in the isles and straight through the checkout I will be doing that again. I really hate the way I have to go every week or do on line. I've got friends who sit at work grinning and filling in a form whilst working on their PC but frankly no that's not for me. I like to choose the dates I buy and not have substitutes added that I would never usually look twice at.

Jon has had an exciting week this week with the performance last evening of his work he has been doing with Prof Simon Baron Cohen at Cambridge - revaluing Autistic thinking project - 'Aspergers' mixed with modular synthesisers - reams of blog and poetry, wires, wood the lot  - our house resembled a base camp at the foot of Everest with all the bags and metal boxes brought home ready to move - all of which proved to be a job and a half transporting to London to 'The Arts Catalyst' but mission accomplished as they say and he was back at 1am in a taxi - I for one am relieved its all over until the next time I suppose.

I took a trip to the theatre with my daughters to see Pricilla wow what a show really enjoyed it so funny and the songs were great even the audience were dressed in feather boas. Honestly if you get the opportunity go its a brilliant day out and you will love it. We are doing 'Cats' this week not sure about this one it was her idea but its a night out and I need a bit of fun. I've started another run of counselling just to come to terms with a few things its all so clinical and they don't hold all the answers nor unfortunately do the words 'isy wissy let's get busy' work either but if it helps me in the long run its gotta be good. Its good to have a label as to why you hurt and it enables you to get the correct medication but the realities of life is often something that we occasionally need help accepting and that's what I need help with as its not always easy trying to appear normal .... What ever normal is ....
Who wants to be normal anyway ....

Living the dream ..... Yes really

Today I was fed up I went and got my nails done with bright red tips - they are fab. I'm glad I did I learnt a lesson whilst I was there, maybe I will share with you.....

I woke this morning in terrible pain, my feet were hurting - especially my toes. Recently they have started throbbing, they hurt so much it makes me cry and I don't understand why they do but after a few painkillers they calm down - today was such a day.

I start my new job on Monday and I always get my hair and nails done as a form of a confidence boost whenever i start a new role - so I decided that was going to be my mission for today and I set off to get them done. I love the nail bar, the banter, the smell and all the different polishes lined up to choose from - I feel like a kid in a sweetshop. Actually years ago I trained as a nail tech so I could do acrylics gels etc but I can't do my own any more. The pain in my fingers is excruciating due to my arthritis but the beautiful finished product outweighs the agony of having them done. I sit there thinking of all the different combinations I could have and I've never been disappointed once. The girls are Korean and beautiful and the animated way they chat is addictive to listen to, it sounds almost 'song like' as they giggle and chat their way through the queue. There is always a wait and the owner always shouts '5 minute!' when you ask how long you will have to wait - which is really funny because it never is but this always adds to the experience and I enjoy it enormously.

Behind me was an elderly lady in a motorised wheelchair, she didn't have a tooth in her head, a rather dark heavily back combed head of hair and huge 'Pat Butcher' style earrings. She was at least 90, heavily made up and she had the longest bluest nails I've ever seen. She sat watching from her chair for the usual 20min before a bay was cleared for her and then it was her turn. She looked at the boss of the shop and said really loudly 'That was the longest 5 bloody minutes of my life' and laughed so loudly she made all of us laugh too. Two guys had to help her out of her chair and across into the nail bar chair which they did and she laughed the whole time as the transfer took place. Eventually she sat next to me and I was struck by the appearance of her elderly frail hands, her skin was almost transparent and on every finger was a huge ring - most of which were gold. She was a rough diamond without a doubt but she was so fascinating to watch, so upbeat I felt ashamed of how my arthritis had got to me and just how low it had made me feel. She sat there for the best part of an hour and was the life and soul of the place. She had her nails painted, buffed and filed and they were the dirtiest nails I had ever seen but I admired that old girl she had obviously worked hard all her life. She is in there every week and it is her treat to herself, she has numerous mobility problems and was well past 90 but had more life in her than probably anyone I've ever met. I bet her rings weighed more than she did - she lost half her weight as the polish came off. She, in that hour taught me a valuable lesson, yes chronic pain is terrible but I have a sense of humour just like she has - that's my key to being happier. I must learn to channel it better to make it work harder and in turn it will help me to be more satisfied with 'my lot' as it were and this I will try to do ....

 Jon on the other hand is 'living the dream' - recently funny headline - really - he had a triple page spread in our local press -  if I can I will add a link on here so you can read it I am enormously proud of him and all he has done since we got together its about time the tide changed for both of us ....

http://www.portsmouth.co.uk/life/fighting-fear-and-living-the-dream-1-5141118

Today I've been mostly thinking x 

Bank Holiday ........Where? Sssh ........

'Bank Holiday' where? I've spent mine in my pyjamas crawling on my knees, sweating and stretching up in order to paint the bathroom. Finally after 7 years and allowing for one tiny corner that still needs work, I have a bathroom I'm proud to let guests use. If we had any guests of course which luckily at the moment we don't. I have also cleared my wardrobe as I promised you guys I would and I have also cleaned the fridge. I also after much effort and nagging managed to sort the dining room, not as much as I wanted to but a beginning at least. So the only 'problem area' left is the garden, that I cannot tackle on my own - gone are the digging and weeding days for me. I also cannot erect the new fence but to be honest we can't enjoy our garden from our house anyway as we don't have the luxury of patio doors so as I can't see it, it doesn't matter to much. But I must do something because I would love to sit in it and enjoy the peace.....

Peace? Who am I kidding, the kids next-door have a trampoline and you have never heard kids as noisy, honestly they only seem to have two volume settings - loud and louder. We cannot sit in our garden, nor in fact use the back of our house because of it. Every morning between 6/7 am they start yelling and we don't get a break unless they go out at 8:30 on a school day often screaming as they go. I raised two girls, probably the same kind of age gap as well but my pair did not behave like they do. Screaming, crying, stamping and running about all days all hours - it's intolerable to me let alone Jon, as our house often shakes as they stamp, yet if we say anything we are afraid it will only become worse or the adults may start a campaign against us. That's the trouble these days not many kids or adults are respectful of each other, it's so rare to hear a child say please and thank you. A short while ago in my local newsagent a little boy did say thank you as he was handed his change. He was so polite it made me look up from what i was doing and congratulate his mum as to what a lovely little chap he was, but didn't it used to be the rude ones that stood out? As opposed to the polite ones? Shame really as I firmly believe that we are storing up a lot of trouble for ourselves in years to come as a lot of kids these days don't seem to have the fear of anybody let alone respect anything, that's a scary prospect in my book.   

There isn't a muscle in my body that doesn't hurt today, that's the thing about fibromyalgia the pay back for doing anything on a slightly better feeling day is horrendous. I worry about this a lot. I really have to weigh up if its worth doing anything at all even on the odd day when I feel a bit brighter as I know for a few days after I will really hurt. My fairy god mother moved out years ago mores the pity so I don't really have much choice do I? If by any chance she comes again I wouldn't want to go to a ball or a night club in a posh frock - even with the prospect of a new pair of shoes, but I would quite like someone to give me a hand and couple of hours indoors with a paint brush....

Lots of you loved my last post involving my daft cat Horace and his squeaky little friend. Horace is actually only here because we have had so much trouble with mice in the past. We live very close to the railway line and at this time of year we do seem to get a lot of  mice running about. Last year was the worst and to be honest it neatly broke me....so that's why I went and got the H (also for Jons PTSD). He was away somewhere and he had set all our traps in our kitchen before he left. I was actually not happy as I would rather he hadn't. I told him that if anything was caught in them I wouldn't be able to deal with it. He said he would sort when he returned from his trip. I avoided the kitchen in the evenings and had invested in a rather large lidded plastic box in which I kept our bread etc so at least that would be untouched. So imagine my horror when I crept into the kitchen in the morning and found a mouse doing a very good Ben Hur 'chariot race' impression as it dragged itself all over the kitchen floor whilst its back end remained on the trap. I screamed the house down flung open the front door and yelled for help! - by chance just as a rather attractive policeman was walking past. I begged him to rescue me but he looked rather taken aback at the time. There I was, a mad woman, only dressed in a tshirt quite hysterical. On the doorstep he informed me he 'dealt with drugs burglary and car theft'  not mice but if i promised not to tell anyone at the station he would help. He saved the day (catch and disposal) and I probably made his - its funny now looking back on it now - he must of told all his mates about this mad bint who had accosted him whilst he was on his rounds. It was about then I decided that I was going to declare war on the rodents and I was going to get the best mouser possible. A few weeks later we had the H but so far all he does is fetch them and bring them to me to play with ??? No words can describe this so we have to teach him its not my idea of a game as he had another the other night in the hall........sending me shrieking up the stairs..........

Oh here we go again - more stamping as the kids next-door have yet another tantrum I'm surprised you can't hear them ......

Today ....well its been a painful day in more ways than one x