Steak and kidney pie

What a whirl wind few days it has been! New people, new computer system and lovely new hot chocolate that's the best bit by far. I have found the last few days slightly easier as the sun has such a positive effect not only on mood but pain levels as well. I expect one day I may want  to move abroad as a warmer climate really does make arthritis better not completely obviously but noticeably easier. 

The only thing that I am struggling with is a lack of tweetage - I miss tweeting and answering tweets! It's amazing how much actually - I miss my twit family and the support they provide. In the evenings I have house work and home work and a marriage as well for that matter. Also daughters and a cat - all wanting attention and time and all deserving of it too. But my energy supply is drained completely and to be honest I just want to climb into bed pull the duvet over my head and stop there - maybe until Christmas but I suspect I would be missed eventually and who would do the shopping? 

I had also considered not doing this blog anymore, I worried about how much to say - what to say etc, but after a lot of thought and some positive comments from readers I have decided to continue for now at least. In fact the positive comments were so lovely and so well timed because I have really been feeling my age this week plus about 50! Don't get me wrong, I'm not old by any strength of the imagination but when you are sat in training with youngsters who were born with a play station controller in their little chubby little hands I'm positively ancient. I am not stupid nor am I computer illiterate but I can struggle with the internal systems some companies use. Unfortunately sitting and asking the computer nicely as to where a certain bit of information is hiding doesn't work - mores the pity and trust me I have asked and pleaded this week. It seems passwords change themselves and the whole thing ends up being a bit of a nightmare. Eventually it will become second nature but I hope it will be before I get my free bus pass and my cold weather payment from the government.

Jonathan has had a few busy weeks as well and the stress of worrying about me has also taken its toll.- The air has been pretty blue I can tell you on quite a few occasions due to my patience wearing very thin but on the positive side its not as blue as when I decorate though that is very blue indeed. Shall I tell you more? 

I once had a meat pie thrown at me! It's really funny now but at the time I was very distressed - I had spent the whole day painting with sweat running down my face in a shower cap and a very old shirt. Jon had been at work and when he came home - being the perfectionist he is - decided to point out a 'run' to me. I dealt with that calmly but then he proceeded to remind me the brush strokes need to be all in the same direction! I'm afraid I saw red at that point and called him a few choice names - I was very angry indeed. Jon didn't appreciate my fragrant language much and threw his steak and kidney pie at me! He said he was off + he left his keys on the side and went out. I actually felt glad for all of five mins as I was really fuming then he was back after fifteen mins declaring he was cold. I had to laugh as its impossible to stay angry with him even when he makes my blood boil - it is often soon extinguished usually with him offering 'perfect' cups of tea.

In our new house I painted every ceiling and wallpapered every wall. I worked tirelessly for months starting early in the morning until very late in the evenings. I drove car loads of furniture on each visit whilst dealing with packing and all the other problems moving can bring. I work better under pressure and enjoyed the feeling of collapsing, totally shattered at the end of the day. I would sit staring at my newly decorated wall or ceiling with the euphoric feeling of 'I did that' in comparison to the same exhaustion I experience now just from doing a days work in the office whilst additionally feeling 'Blimey that needs painting'

One day I will do it but not today 

Because its been a long day x

Not enough spoons

This week has been one of very mixed emotions, I've had the excitement of starting my  new job mixed with the exhaustion of much longer hours. The funeral of my very dear friend and the frustration of being unable to have said goodbye. This has all unfortunately magnified my fibromyalgia symptoms and I feel totally wiped out. The house hasn't seen a duster all week, the fridge is empty and and poor Horace has been on his own a lot more than I would like. The positive side is I've not had any panic attacks and my new work buddies are lovely.

Jonathan got the full shift of my temper this morning because I hadn't parked square on in the parking space and it resulted in me nearly exploding with rage. We had the locking windows and door routine first and I had 10 mins to get into work before I got into trouble. I really didn't need it and to me it really wasn't necessary but I suspect to Jon it was a matter of great importance but I really couldn't deal with it today. I spent my morning trying so hard to listen afterwards but I kept being distracted by visions of Jonathan and the fact I had been so dreadful. Now don't get me wrong he would try anyone of you! but I shouldn't of snapped - its not his fault,

It's easy to say I will try harder or I will be more patient tomorrow, all of this to be honest I struggled with before but since my fibro diagnosis I have REALLY struggled. Its called the spoon theory apparently and the idea is you begin each day with a number of spoons. Each time you have something you must do - it costs you a spoon i.e. you learn to ration your spoons very quickly as once they have all gone that's it, well at the moment I'm used up until about bonfire night!! This isn't good at all I must learn to slow down and if I could grow to prefer an untidy house I'd be made up......

Fibro is such a dreadful thing, you can't talk about it - not really, people don't want to know oh, they make all the right noises to start with. You then get told to 'bore off' after a few weeks, so you smile and don't say a word when every muscle in your body is screaming in pain. Your head is always pounding and all you want to do is to crawl back into bed but even doing that is painful. I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me at all but if I can gain one thing from bearing my soul it would be you don't have to look disabled to be disabled. I may have the right number of arms and legs but I am registered as disabled and I won't get better. I will have bad days and not so bad days but I will try to continue normally for as long as I can and I will travel! I long to travel whilst I'm young enough to really enjoy it.

On a lighter note Jon has volunteered to help me with the shopping tomorrow 

I can't wait.........

More over the weekend I'm tired today

It's been a sad day x 

Flat Earth and Flat Eric

I want to firstly sit back and breathe in calmly after what has been a rather hectic week. From this point last week when I frantically searched the 'wonder web' for a new job to today when I've got one starting Monday is a bit of a blur. I have been having chest pains for a while and under doctors advice I decided it was time to call it quits - so I didn't go back to my old role after taking a break. I feel relieved and a little excited as a new one brings challenges but I know I have made the right decision. I took the car in for its MOT as well on Monday and yesterday picked up a new(er) one so as you can see I've been busy. All the paper work that goes with buying a new car is ridiculous, that and dealing with 2 HR depts has made for an interesting few days I can tell you- that and the constant request for information, bank account details and dates has put me off doing this again for the foreseeable I can tell you.....

I spent a very worrying time last night as my youngest daughter who has only just passed her driving test drove all the way to Wales after work yesterday at 10pm - she is braver than I am. I drove to Bristol with Jon once and hated it - Bristol has so many roundabouts!! We spent the trip arguing and swearing and I ended up on the motorway to Wales when in fact we needed to beheading to the entrance to the Travel lodge in Bristol the other way It seems funny now but it was bloody stressful at the time Jon was so angry he didn't speak to me for hours - he said don't go that way whatever you do and I did......

The sun is shining today it really does help brighten up my mood, it defiantly improves my pain. I'm feeling a bit more positive for once, in fact the only upsetting thing is the last conversation I had with Amanda was that - I hated my job. We laughed about it, she told me to get another and that I would feel better once I had. Now I have and i am pleased but because of this I can't go to her funeral as it's in my first week - therefore its not acceptable to ask as I will be in training. I know Amanda wouldn't mind, in fact she would probably laugh but its upset me quite a lot as really - I should go, i want to go, mainly to say goodbye. Jonathan offered to go on my behalf, this moved me more than I can say as its a big thing for anybody to do but for Jon and his Aspieness its mega hard - I declined his offer but it was unknowingly sweet of him.

Today we went for our first walk along the sea front in the sun this year. This brought in itself a series of challenges including unruly children on scooters, teenagers and a group of rather drunken men who given a guitar seem to suddenly think they could sing. We walked into the park, found a bench tucked away from the crowd, listened, and laughed like idiots as they murdered everything from the Beatles to Blur. Some of the words were missing and some were incorrect but every note was slightly flat - very funny indeed. 

Talking about 'Flat' leads me on to our little friend - Flat Eric - do you remember him? I  will pop a picture on for you if I can work how to do it. He was part of a Levi's campaign I think years ago with 'sound track song' and Jon loves him. We went through a stage of buying one at every boot sale/shop we saw them in - we must have 20, all lined up on shelves in our house. We have all sizes from the tiny ones to the bigger sized ones. We even had one in the car and Jon stitched two sticks to its arms, one hands fingers into a 'V' sign and a fag on the one hand. When ever we went out driving he would have the stereo up with the proper music and make this Eric smoke whilst he sat him hanging 'lounging' out the window head banging to the beat - just as in the advert. The effect this used to have on other car drivers, pedestrians and passengers was very funny. Often they would initially point and laugh, hoot their horns or shout out - it really did cheer people up. Once we were driving home on the motorway and in the car in front were two little dogs. Well we followed them for miles making them bark with the Eric popping up and pointing. It was very funny as every time they stopped and settled down Jon would wave at them and they would go frantic, pure genius.  it was not dangerous of course but very funny, sometimes he has a lot of bottle and mischief. miss him actually doing this - maybe this summer we will start again as when he was doing that he ignored the speedo haha. Someone once asked why we had so many? "because they have different personalities " was the reply and how can you argue with that .......

Well I'm sorry I've not written as much this week but I hope to write a couple of times each week-  funny stuff and then again I will want to let you know how I get on with the job won't  I.

Today has been a good day x

 Some of our little Eric's .............

Productive Day

Well I'm here again, smiling much and very relieved. I really have made some decisions over the last couple of days including buying a new car. I have also decided to accept a new chapter in my life with open arms. So much time is spent at work and if you are not happy it's not productive nor beneficial - so I'm off to a new adventure and incidentally my fibro pain has lifted slightly since I made the decision. Jon is pleased for me and life on Walton's mountain is better. I have an unexpected few days off which I Intend to use wisely and some of which I will use to talk to you. I also intend to rest, well I intend to - Jon may well have other ideas...  Lets hope not 

I was laughing today as I was telling a friend about an incident that happened to me years ago at the theatre. I had gone into the ladies during the performance and the first cubicle was filthy mess up the walls etc so I shuddered and entered the second cubicle. Later I was at the sink washing my hands when an elderly lady walked into the area. She in turn walked into the first cubicle and muttered something under her breath. As she walked out she faced me and I announced very loudly "I just did that" she looked at me horrified and entered the second cubicle. Later on I realised she must of assumed I was bragging and had made all the mess! I really was horrified and I spent the rest of the performance with my collar up and slumped in my seat - it still makes me laugh. She must have told her friends I was a right dirty cow hehe.

Jon has an invite to show work in America so that's very exciting - so things appear to be looking up for us both. All we need now is for the elephants next door to quieten or a nice less vocal family to move in, but we are not counting are chickens just yet. It doesn't pay to do to much chicken counting from what I've learnt - it's a recipe for something else to happen and after the terrible scenes on the TV last evening from Boston and of course the big funeral tomorrow lets hope it all remains trouble free. 

I take delivery of my new car on Friday I hope it smells nice and the engine has a constant regular rhythm and pattern or we may well be taking it back but luckily the garage knows us and understands if I say 'he' says after one trip it doesn't 'taste right' - I don't mean he's  eaten some of it.....it's well -  'aspie' business 

Short blog tonight as I have had so much excitement I've warn myself out....

It's been a busy day x

Cat House (true story but gruesome) you have been warned

When Jon and I first got together years before we bought our own home we lived in temporary council property. We had 5 kids between us and things weren't easy to say the least eventually after begging our local councillor we were told there was a property available but it did need a good clean. We decided to go and view it despite the council woman telling us no keys were yet available. When we got there I was heart broken it was such a massive step down for myself as I had owned my own home for many years but we knew it was not for long and that we would be on the property ladder again as soon as we were able to. The area was shocking and it was in a really bad state, but it was a house with a garden and we did have kids so we reluctantly agreed to take it on. When we went to sign for it our housing officer we will call her Debra, told us that she had agreed to give us a budget of £50 towards bleach as the house had a dreadful smell but as I said we were desperate .....

I remember the day like it was yesterday the sun was warm and had heated the house accordingly. Thus had the unfortunate effect of making the smell unbearable but I set to work. All the skirting was scrubbed, as were the walls, floors and doors in fact every thing got the same treatment but the smell was still there. It was 'cat wee' really strong and it was horrid we decided the only thing we could do was to sand all the floors as we were convinced it was just a couple of pets that had not been house trained correctly.

We had a 50p slot meter for the electric many years after they had been replaced and the electric company told us they had not had access to the property since the 70s! We had no heating and the windows were all rotten. I became very distressed and a visit was arranged with a surveyor. Now I've worked every day since I left school I've never claimed anything but this chap had decided we were scrounges and he obviously did not want to do anything but he reluctantly agreed that work was to be done urgently. He agreed we could have a new bathroom and kitchen and a chippy to sort out the woodwork and the whole house was to be treated for dry rot - also all the windows were to be replaced and central heating needed to be installed. Nobody had had access to the property for the best part of 30yrs so you can imagine the state of it and he was annoyed that the budget was to be so expensive.

I decided to strip all the walls to help rid the house of its smell but unfortunately all the plaster fell off, yes ALL of it, it was blown in every room so out again he came and reluctantly agreed we could have the whole house replastered. it also needed to be rewired as well as the tradesmen had refused to use any equipment in the house as the electrics were so bad! I spoke to 'Debra' who informed me our moving date was to stay as it was and after many tears she agreed we could delay it but as we couldn't afford 2 lots of rent she wasn't happy. She also arranged for the plastering to be completed before the electrics and double glazing and I'm afraid this made me loose my temper - this woman was about 20yrs old and clueless. Even though I pointed out the stupidness of this she refused to change her mind.

So we couldn't do anything indoors because the house was full of workmen, so that left the garden, the grass was 3ft high and we could get on with that or so we thought .......

We got spades, forks shrubs etc but the ground was to hard so we could only clear some grass and we realised to our horror the surface was 2ft higher and made of cat litter! Yep cat litter! The whole garden was deep in it! rock hard, it was like concrete and it stank. On the same day whilst digging, Jonathan pulled out 3 old and tatty shirts which were buried deep in the dirt. He also pulled out several skulls, excitedly telling me they were from a cat and being Jon he was delighted!  It was like a ghoulish private time-team - lol - he had always wanted a cat skull but I was totally freaked by this and headed indoors - then after an hour he had found 3 more complete with 'other' boney parts! I was inconsolable, I shook, I cried and I felt sick - but luckily one of the plasterers who were by now friends told the surveyor and I forbid Jon to do anymore digging. The man from the council told us to stop, declares the garden a health hazard and said he would have to get professionals in to clear the garden.

A few days later the 'professionals' turned up - well 3 or them with black bin bags and a spade! On inspection they refused to do anything to help as it was such a huge job. Therefore a week later the mini diggers came and three more men in huge lorries. The whole garden was to be removed to a depth of 3-4 feet and replaced with fresh top soil. From that back garden over 100 dead cats were removed as well as numerous rabbits and small animals - each day was like something out of 'pet cemetery' and I will never forget it. It was a vile job for them and I will never forget Jon coming out with custard creams on china plates as the youngest workman was vomiting in the corner after opening an ice cream tub of cat soup - honestly it was horrific. The front garden was also removed more cats and a large dog departed and the whole lot left the street in large lorries.

I started taking anti depressants after this and I forbade my children from telling their friends as the shame began to sink in. I can only talk about it now as we now have our lovely home and the mortgage to go with it but I am just beginning to laugh about it. The whole episode was an embarrassment to the council and we were offered compensation  possibly to keep us quiet? not a huge sum but a bit more than the bleach she had agreed to immediately. A couple of months free rent and a patio - this turned out to be 12 paving slabs and a small amount of cement - deeply ironic when you think what can end up under patios! All in all the whole house had been rebuilt, it took 5 months and it was still horrible when finished but we stayed for about 4 years. To me it was never a home, we didn't have one of those until we bought this one - proudly! The biggest irony was when we moved out we were warned we had to leave it in the state it was when we moved in.......we didn't 

Now i don't swear a great deal but I did that day at 'dear old Debra' - unbelievably she felt she still had to say that line from the agreement out loud.........

Incidentally if you are wondering, the previous tenants were two old boys. They collected cats and had about 60 in the house, one brother died in the property, having been left for many months before his body was removed he 'travelled' a bit lets say and the other went senile, eventually being put into a home once he reached 85 I believe. I often look around our home now and smile that its ours, no skeletons in our garden, nor does it smell and we even have a cat but how we remained 'upright' during that time I will never know.

But if anyone mentions Stephen King asks to bury something in the garden I won't be responsible for my actions - we know all the jokes x  

A Sunday Ramble

Today started badly - awoke feeling very sorry for myself as the pain in my shoulders is still shocking. Jon produced toast and tea which was nice then I decided to check my FaceBook account and there it was - a very unwelcome advertisement for Mcarthy Stone retirement flats!! And my now 'not so close' friend suggested I take a look, bloody cheek I'm no where near that time yet and even when I am I will need to be tranquillised before I considered moving into one! I will be dying my hair red and wearing eye liner possibly into my seventies! I refuse to be seen without lipstick and would rather ignore the door than open it if I don't look my best. Shallow? No its just me and i refuse to let this bloody disease beat me ......

I suggested to Jon we went out for lunch, he very reluctantly agreed as long as we go some where not busy - so unpopular?? I politely informed him if we did that we may well get salmonella food poisoning as that may well be why the restaurant is not busy - which is not really a good idea and he found that funny. I am now waiting for him to decide which establishment we will visit. It's hard for him doing things at short notice especially if involves being out in the world with people - socially..... More later

We go.....I do wish sometimes though that we could do things together like parties and day trips with others  but its never his thing. Its so hard watching your fella suffering to then try to enjoy yourself so I've learnt to appreciate other things instead and this seems to work well. I adore St Ives but to go in July could be horrendous - so we went on Christmas Day! It was wonderful we found a pub with a fire and had hot chocolate together, then afterwards we walked down to the beach and took hundreds of photos before heading to find seals. This is the type of pleasure I've grown to enjoy and all the rocks we have collected together have special memories. I soon forgot how cold I was or the fact my arthritis was terrible I just remember how much fun we had writing vast swear words in the sand.

For every negative I find I can find at least two positives and that fact keeps me going and I love the fact he is so knowledgable about things - I don't however appreciate the fact he argues with documentaries on the tv - that is a bit annoying, plus how when watching documentaries he says things two minutes before the narrator does!!! That really is annoying but that's something else I've got used to over the years. Don't all marriages need work, compromise and unselfish attitudes? It's no different with us really, I just need a regular top up of counselling every few years and some great friends as well.

My Twitter feed and followers have also really has helped the last couple of year. Through twitter I have chatted to other like minded people when I've been particularly down and depressed - there is always a friend to confide in. I call them all my 'little best friends who live in my iPhone' and some I really hope to actually meet some day. It's nice that if I don't tweet for a while people will actually check I am ok or to give me a 'shout' which basically tells all their followers to follow me. Many times I've considered dumping FB but not twitter, maybe a break now and again but never totally as I'm sure I would have gone mad without it.

Well we are back we settled on a local Carvery in the end. The pub was extremely busy but we got seated quickly. Jon was very uncomfortable in there, even shaking, but we managed to stay and I am now stuffed full of roast. It means a lot to me when we do go out because he obviously would rather not so we don't often venture out. Now and again we do - its a two way relationship - I don't do a lot because of his reactions to being with people but sometimes he does stuff he hates to please me - plus the food was great. Now I'm sitting looking at circuit diagrams making sure he solders the power supply up right - never boring.......

You know I never feel totally alone any more either, again that's thanks to twitter. it would be easy to just rely on these people for company but I feel it's time for me to branch out and do other things now. This could be a possible college course, the subject doesn't matter it's the going and doing that will. I will get some books tomorrow and see what's on offer - maybe I will do a technical history of German army WW2 vehicles - then that would be two of us making model tanks and spilling glue.........

No I don't think so either haha x

        

iPads and Bagpipes

Jon and I got our iPads roughly at the same time. I filled mine with games and the usual social groups twitter Facebook - as well as blogger so I could do this and talk to you. I  also have the usual emails and browsers etc. Not very interesting eh? Jons on the other hand has the equivalent of an 'activity centre for men' imposed on it - it flashes beeps and whirrs? He has more music making' synths software on there than Rick Wakeman and all of it makes every single sound you could ever want or need-  if programmed correctly including bagpipes!?! Unfortunately he has only managed so far to make one sound from them - it sounds like a cat being strangled! He wanders around the house grinning making the most dreadful noise and despite politely asking him to "shut up" he is still making it now. I may have to resort to hiding it or me! I did that years ago when my oldest proudly bought home a recorder that the school had given her, I lasted two days - then I hid it, luckily she didn't mind to much and all was forgotten so she practiced her notes on a ruler in class (just as I did as a child) - haha

I'm glad I've had today off the house looks a bit tidier and I've done loads on line that I needed to do and the good news is...

My friends monkey business will continue in her honour but will be renamed after her which made me cry again. I am amazed to see how much people loved her and will miss her greatly, that's something to be proud of in my book. So if you are on face book go to 'Matilda Camper Monkeys' and sock companions' and hit 'like' just for me. She was such a brave lady and she really did love making the little fellas,in her final months, it would be great to spread the word for her. I've got loads of them round the house and they are very very cute.

Jon returned this week from a trip to Cambridge - he was obviously 'away' from me and Horace. I missed him but if I am honest I really enjoyed being the centre of attention from the cat! Once he is back it always changes and the 'bromance' continues, everywhere Jon goes - Horace follows. I wake in the mornings and I find Horace snuggled into Jon and its a little galling to say the least. Yes Mr Horace, if you are listening - you only live in our house because I insisted, because I nagged for years and finally just went and chose you. This, with hindsight was possibly the bravest thing I've done as it could have gone so horribly wrong. But since his tiny paws crossed our threshold he has been Jons right hand pal - where there used to be photos of me there are now photos of Horace on his phone and his Facebook timeline is littered with them all with extra galling 'multiple' likes....

Jon never had any 'manageable' pets as a child other than angry gerbils and a 'corky the cat balloon' that was his friend but I will only become hysterical if I talk about that!... I think every kid should have a cat or a dog - it's part of growing up isn't it? Coming home from school and begging for a puppy, claiming you will walk it, feed it and clear up its poo as you are the ONLY kid in the whole school who hasn't got one sounds funny now but I used to lay in bed praying I would wake up and find a puppy downstairs. We did have cats but I wanted a dog !!! 

I still want one! I'm let's say a lot older but I'm still wanting one - only this time I'm considering my availability due to work, my painful hips, Jonathan's piles of books, mags etc. I got as far as buying a 'how to book' but not the dog (well yet) I don't want to wait until I'm retired to get one as by then I suspect I won't be able to walk it or myself for that matter?

Today is his 'aspie' people free day -  he has to have at least one as he finds all the noise and stress of other dealing with folk over whelming- so it's just the three of us and the TV and the ever present 'stamping elephants' who roam next door of course. I used to resent these days as I wanted to shop or eat out as I enjoy doing things like that but now I treasure these days as much as he does.

Today has been a good day x

Plastic Models and Captain Slow

Work or Play where's better? 

When you reach the stage you neither feel comfortable at home or a work what do you do? Neither place fills me with a desire to spent inordinate amounts of time there. At home I have the continual stamping of the baby elephants that live next door and the stress of what ever emergency Jonathan is solving or causing depending on the situation. Whilst at work I feel I am continually being reminded of my fibromyalgia and my short comings in the brain department - all of this has taken its toll on me this week. I therefore have a few days to try to relax and to give my body a bloody good talking to. My body is not my friend, it shakes and it hurts as well as resembling candle wax in places (not a good look). But can live with that, a pair of leggings or skinny jeans can hide a a multitude of sins and chuck a pair of heels on and I appear to loose a stone virtually instantly. My problem is the pain, the tiring dull ache that refuses to leave me, the pain in my shoulders that feels like someone has ripped my arms off plus the horrible sense of dread I live with constantly. I do not understand why but the fear will not leave me, I suspect it's down to my meds but I don't like it and now I've said it out loud hopefully it will die down.

Jon has returned from Cambridge this week with his official diagnosis of Aspergers, we knew anyway but an official test had to be completed and he is now wearing his title with pride and why shouldn't he? its the Aspergers that has enabled him to become the success he is and the obsessions that have shaped him into the man he is - not to mention filling up two bedrooms and a dining room. I blame James May or captain Slow as he is affectionately called on Top Gear, a while ago he did a few program's about toys - trains, Lego etc and he did one on 'airfix' kits. This in turn reminded my dear husband just how much he loved doing them so he decided to start again with German tanks and off to the shop we went after at least an hour his first kit was purchased. He rushed home all excited and built it within a few hours - he doesn't need the instructions as he can just tell where all the bits go - it's a shame he can't do that with DIY but never mind. Many times i had to get up as precious parts flew through the air to disappear behind the sofa..... Yep you guessed it I now have a house full of plastic German tanks all lined up ready to be built painted and displayed some where? but not here , Please...Some of the soldiers he has hidden around the house - one of which was stuck to our freezer door for months. Why he can't have one and then build it before painting it goodness only knows but he must have over a hundred. Then there is the model railway gun 4 foot long replete with trains and planes he also has - all to be built - some already started. So Mr May are you happy now? We have glue, kits, reference books, magazines, DVDs, paints, tiny screwdrivers bits of metal and ice cream tubs full of goodies all over the house..... I've always preferred Richard Hammond anyway especially now!!! 

I really do need a safe haven a place where I can go and relax, a place where I can totally switch off from everything or maybe I could just turn every thing around me off instead. I could then use this time to catch up with my house work, maybe have a holiday before returning home to turn everything back on again so the usual manic chaos can resume because I'm sure I would miss it really and what would I write about? 

I'd never be bored though as I would have all these model kits to complete but I would paint them all pink I'd have to have the last laugh.....

And I would send the first to Captain Slow with lots of glitter ......

Gyms Dinosaurs and Honesty

Black and White

Life cannot all be described as "black and white" as there's is a lot of grey as well in my opinion at least. Whilst I have said in my profile I hate liars I do agree that small white ones now and again to protect someone's feelings are excusable - I've done it myself. 

Years ago I went shopping with a very dear friend who asked my opinion on a dress she had purchased and was so excited that she had got it. The fact she looked like my grans  old sofa in it was not a comment I had the heart to make, neither could I say it's best to keep your coat on when you get there. So I just said she looked fine and she went off extremely happy and we still remain friends now many years later. That in my book is not lying, its a grey area granted but it isn't. Now apply this situation to Jonathan - "yep you knew that's where I was going to go didn't you?" We'll he can't do it, not even the little white ones which is frustrating and often hurtful especially after I ask "do I look fat" or "did you like my hair blonde" questions. I've always been less than pleased with the replies, this also applies to days out we have been on where I have spent money on tickets for concerts or shows for us both. All I want is a polite "yes thanks it was great" which would suffice rather than "that was Aspie hell" or "you owe me for going" comments he sometimes utters. 

This has also happened at home when I've spent hours wallpapering or painting a room only to have him tell me "it looks terrible" - I've tried so hard to live with this and to be fair he now says "what do you want me to say" which is kind of funny as I still know he hates it. Many times I've dreaded the kids or friends asking him stuff as I know they will get the same honesty which is often difficult to take. I try to remain calm in a a difficult situation but on occasion I have snapped and my retorts have not been very nice I have many times regretted deeply some of the things I have snapped back at him and i have seen the hurt expression on his face but he has often pushed me to snapping but I instantly regret what I have said  unfortunately he is  totally incapable of realising they are not always meant, and I do not have an endless supply of patience.

This is why I feel a support group is so important!

I joined a gym it was time for me to chill, relax, swim and enjoy time to myself. Not to necessarily jump on a treadmill and do a 50k run but more to recharge my head, a time to plug in my iPod and tune out my stress plus the chronic pain that's always with me. But blimey it's a stress in its self, nubile women with perfect bodies, toned tanned and gorgeous in the evenings or day times older ladies who dare I say it need ironing or frustrated mums with noisy children! I've had less stressful fillings! at the dentist. I have driven there and looked at the parking and turned the car around  and come straight home. Therefore I need the motivation to start getting out of my little Citroen C1 and going in because the only thing getting a workout at the moment is......my car. I always take the long way home and I will arrive home to a cup of tea and a smile and calm will have been restored so in that respect the gym is worth the money!

See life can be difficult it is for everybody but surely it's that difficulty that makes the good times so good and coming home to Jonathan after a bad day to his kindness, humour and thoughtfulness, to a meal he has cooked for me and his copy of the "History of the dinosaurs" that makes all the stress melt away 

All be it Temporarily .....

For you Amanda

Rocks or people?


Today's blog is one I hoped to write many months from now, a very dear friend of mine passed away from cancer yesterday after a long battle with the disease.  I loved her and we had a friendship that spanned about twenty years.

We worked together originally, then many years later we worked together again - much to her amusement. We were not allowed, after weeks of hilarity to sit together as we apparently disturbed the other members of staff. I will never forget her filling the bubble tubes in the shop (our first job) with bubble bath which eventually lead to an isle full of white foam about two foot deep - that isle floor was 3 shades brighter than the rest for many years!

Nor her antics with the microphone forgotten but best not repeated. Many times her laugh would penetrate across the shop floor or her choice of swear words - yes she often made me cringe but her sense of fun was infectious. Many years later she still had it despite terminal illness - she still rang and texted me regularly to make sure I was ok as she knew I was suffering with my fibro.

Rip Amanda you fabulous lady I will never forget you......

This leads me onto a topic or question that fascinates me, I really did love ‘Manda’ -  I got back from her, entertainment, support , friendship and a relationship that however much it hurts now I'm glad I've had. I can lay in my bed and replay some of the naughty things we did together and I still laugh! I can smile to myself when I remember her putting on her phone voice which sounded so ridiculous I actually had to leave the room. How could you prefer the company of a rock or a fossil to a person - a funny one of a kind like her?  I will never understand it, I am a people person I need others around me I am happy in their company whilst I do get days when I do prefer Horace that's down to me not them?

Jon has a built in affinity with stonrs and fossils but not people – they baffle him….he can’t share them the way I do

My fibro makes me tired it makes me scratchy some days but it will never stop me being me. In the same way I can't understand Jonathan's allegiance to stones, books and fossils but I have to respect that if they mean as much to him as she did to me then - who am I to tell him to get rid of them , I can't can I? It's what makes him Jonathan, all the boxes, books and piles are just part of his personality.

So in order to keep all his possessions safe and not necessarily under my feet 

we just need a bigger flipping house xx

Goldilocks and the three bears

 Living with a literal thinker can be difficult if not a bit frustrating. Say for example, I dish up a couple of plates of fish fingers and chips, One with two fish fingers and one with three.Jon will say "which one is mine" - I will answer - "the one with 3 on it". A while later he returns into the dining room, a puzzled look on his face and no food - ? - because neither plate had a number 3 on it!  It wouldn't occur to him to count the fish fingers, you may laugh but it is so annoying - haha.

If I have a chicken in the oven and he goes for a drink of water and I say "have a look at the chicken for me" he will come back and say - "it's ok it's STILL IN THERE,,," - now that's just plain bloody frustrating but it's something that actually endears him to me even more - well eventually! It's that almost childlike ideology which is priceless and sometimes a great sense (source?) of entertainment.

I always try and take a deep breath, count to 361 and continue through gritted teeth - haha 

We helped out years ago at a school who specialise in children with Aspergers and most of the children boarded. All were tiny little dots under 5 and all mini Jonathan's, full of obsessions and the beginnings of collections with ideas all yet unspoilt by the everyday pressures life can heap upon you.

Every morning that week the children would refuse to eat their porridge, preferring to eat toast instead.  Not one child would touch it or even look at it for that matter. In conversation at the end of the week the teachers realised the children had been reading Goldilocks and the 3 bears. In the story at breakfast time Goldilocks sits down to eat her porridge whilst all the bears watch, the relevant line in the story goes something like this
 " so Goldilocks sits down to the table and all eyes fall upon the porridge"....

See - literally just like Jon - every child believed if they looked at it or tipped their heads down their eyes would fall in to their porridge .......... poor kids were terrified

Jon tends to use this literalism in his artwork - so it can be a pain but it can also be a source of unusual inspiration too - which works

Anyway more later but tonight my hands are bad so please forgive me but I'm signing off xx