A new addition and fascinating conversations

I had decided after a long break to knock writing this on the head, I had decided no one was really interested in the ramblings of a middle aged woman with possibly no sense what so ever. The woman who chases fat women around super markets after reduced cakes, the woman who forgets her own name and often is reduced to screaming fits by her equally strange husband. 

Then someone restored my faith in human nature and gave me the kick up the ass I so desperately needed so here goes I can’t promise how many or how often but I will keep going so here we go ....

'Why do people not do what they say?' 

That's a question I'm asked a lot, along with 'am I doing this right'? And 'Do people really like what I do?'

 All these questions and more, some very similar I'm often asked - even after a rather successful evening in London recently when Jonathan managed to captivate an audience of rather famous faces with his rather 'strange' if not very different view of the world. He was explaining how you turn pictures and random sounds into music. It was said in the rather droll 'matter of fact' way that you or I would probably produce an audio description of the making of a cheese sandwich! It was then that the realisation as to how far Jon has come in our time together slapped me across my chops - he had their undivided attention, the what to him was so everyday normal yet to us so strange and different is fascinating to others. I have spent many an evening sat at home watching Jools Holland and his amazing fingers weave tunes from nothing on his piano - I admit I've admired his talent and have welcomed the new year in with him and his many friends many many times - yet here he was stood in front of Jon for 20 minutes absolutely captivated as he explained in full 'neurodiverse' style. On the train on the way home the penny dropped and the evening began to feel very surreal - eh? did that just happen? Wow! Yes he has come such a long way .....and there are new 'things to come' happening right now I can't believe either

I’m very proud of Jon, I try and do my best to support him in the only way I know how. This mainly involves me clinging on for grim death as the ride 'that is our life' throws us from one 'perceived social disaster' to another only too often for my liking!! I am now looking forward to the next period of calm and praying it will last a little bit longer than the last one did and that somewhere within the calm is the possibility of a new pair of shoes at least. Seriously though supporting somebody like Jon is actually extremely difficult, well for me anyway. Possibly he would see it differently but this is my blog so It’s my opinion that counts. 

But It is very hard to almost second guess things, to try and think of answers for things that may never happen like he does and then find solutions for almost 'imaginary problems' that nobody else has ever even thought of - let alone try to solve them before they happen. If I had applied all of these rules to driving on the motor way I would have crashed a long time ago as driving is a very see it and act instantly type of pastime, you do not have the time to think about all the scenarios involved in complex moves - almost like a chess game this I find really tiring as I’m sure he does but for me it really does drain me. I am getting used to it and can fend off most things but occasionally I can’t and more often than not these days Jon's almost sixth sense is proved right as things break or leak just as he said they would a few months before. This isn’t always the case but It brings with it a sense of unease. I find myself in a no win situation and have to decide when the words are going to come out of my mouth and the inevitable row will begin. 'You can't be too careful' 

It was my birthday in September and we decided to buy Horace a friend. We had been looking for a while and I was very worried about how it would change the dynamics of the household but neither one of us were prepared for Weezly (Hektor) a tiny little ginger cross who's mother is a rag doll and who's dad apparently we don't talk about. The fuss and uproar this little fella has caused is unbelievable our days are spent checking where they are who is eating who's dinner and who started the punch - up honestly they are worse than kids! Horace seems to be the main target for jumping on and chasing but as Horace is a lot larger we are keeping a close eye on them. Jon finds the play fighting very stressful but I can see progress is being made just very slowly. 

I wish I could tell you more about things that are going on I can't unfortunately not yet anyway but you can be assured I will when I can. I have how ever attached a link on here to a little documentary about Jonathan it's worth a watch and finally on the train on the way home from London I asked him if he managed to take any photos whilst Jools played the piano or perhaps some of the evening in general yes he said so I have enclosed one of them for you to see very funny indeed....

  http://www.artscatalyst.org/projects/detail/jon_adams_konfirm/

A very interesting table top ....... Honestly!!!! 

80s memories and disappointment

Well the time has flown by and it seems months since I last posted - in fact I’ve not tweeted much either. I guess i have not been my usual self and have been very miserable indeed. Not in an absolutely unhappy way but just not-sociable and kind of 'out of sorts' way. I am slowly turning into a mad mix of my parents and 'himself' and I am not impressed by this realisation and have decided to do something about it now before it’s too late. If I start drinking horlicks and buying slippers whilst sat under a blanket then I will give myself a good talking to I promise and himself will probably comment way before then so I'm safe. It’s not that I don’t like my parents but I am not ready to turn into a mirror image just yet and as for unsociable I like and mostly understand people - we at least 1000% more than Jon does. I can choose he can't.......

 

This week has been hard, in-fact the last month has been possibly one of the hardest in the history of me. I have wrestled with the mentality of some people and the constant struggle to just continue with day to day normality has been horrendous. I have tried so hard to remain calm and unstressed but I have failed miserably on many levels. Jonathan has also had his own battles mainly with the inconsistencies of others and the vast promises they make him time and time again only to leave him totally unsupported when a few months down the line the grass appears greener somewhere else. This he finds unforgivable and the effect this has on him and ultimately me is catastrophic. This disappointment he feels in people is not an over exaggerated statement either and each time this happens the effects linger for longer between us never totally forgotten. I worry so much about this and I hope each time will be the last but it never is and to be honest I’m tired too with the DLA battles we have both faced. Mind you his trips to Cambridge seem to bring treasure - they understand him - well they flipping well should and see the hidden in him. But I no longer rush to NEXT and spend a fortune trying to comfort myself with new shoes, tops and hand bags nor do I spend money on endless bottles of nail varnish but it does create a hole that never seems to fill itself. I do buy things but not on the level I have previously that’s a fools game and after the novelty of a shiny new bag has worn off the worry of the credit card bill is far more worrying. So what’s a girl to do? How can I distress when most of the time I am either sat at my desk at work or sat in my car on the motorway? Mega yawn  - home tea bed work home bed its a groundhog day reeeeeppppeeeat......without the cute furry animal or comedy.

 

Still I have rediscovered 80s rock that’s how - it’s so much fun driving my little car whilst singing loudly along to the likes of Whitesnake, Meatloaf, ACDC, Motorhead etc Its blooming hilarious. The looks I have received are legendary and I love it! music was so much better then, now I know that is probably not something I should say for fear of sounding old but it was!! Honestly I remember dressing up in black leather and climbing onto the back of a motor bike (waiting till we were at the end of our road of course otherwise if spotted my dad would have gone mad) and zooming off into the sunset hair streaming in the wind. Well in reality it wasn’t as exciting more often or not I was cold, bum ache like you wouldn’t believe and hair that was totally horrendous for days afterwards more often than not when we got to our chosen destination I could hardly move. Thanks to dear old fibromyalgia that bit has never changed. I used to long for a fella with a car so I could wear skirts and heels and arrive with hair that was shiny and silky with un-smudged make up and no dead flies on my jacket but that didn’t happen until many years later. Now ironically I miss it - the thrill of the bend, the roar of the engine, the closeness of being pillion snuggled into the small of someone’s back and the speed! But I am afraid these days it is not possible for me to climb on one never mind hold tight as the speedo hits the ton. Mind you if the hamster turned up I may fling the walking stick and ................

 

I wish I had concentrated at school, I wish I knew things ... I mean real stuff not who is going out with who and which store sells the best low rise ankle boots for this season. Like himself always full of those annoying little facts - saying things before the TV does - but he wouldn't be him if he didn't!  Brains never seemed to come my way -  I can remember my mum screaming at me out of pure frustration whilst trying to teach me to tell the time. My sister was always the clever one and I really would like to be able to understand half the stuff that drones out of the radio that Jon insists on listening to for hours every week. I haven’t the energy to enrol in a night class or open university course and my job takes the majority of my energy but it would be great to impress people with my knowledge of a subject as opposed to my humour which people always seem to appreciate. Don’t get me wrong it’s not with self pity I write this but just occasionally I get frustrated with myself. 

I found out only a few months ago I am dyspraxic this has answered so many questions from my past. It explains why It took me so long to learn to drive - why when I did the steering was so difficult and why 'I can’t dance' but that sounds like a Genesis song when music was good.........

It's been a long long week 

Long overdue ramblings and Percy Pigs

Hello again, better a bit late than never, I don't have time to make so much as a squeak or even a 'rude bottom noise' anymore. I am either driving to work, working, driving home or asleep yep or driving whilst dreaming, I've pretty much got the life I've always wanted NOT. As the song said years ago 'where is my furry sun where have all the cowboys gone?' It's manic at work and this heat tends to bring out the worst in people. Rudeness is never acceptable, we are all hot, we all wish we were on the beach, we all need to learn manners as they cost nowt and could make somebodies day!! 

Take a few days ago - I was walking outside  trying to get a bit of a break when I was sent flying by a student - unsure of nationality but Italian I think. He never even apologised he looked at me and ran off leaving me on the pavement looking like a bundle of washing - damp washing at that. I struggled back to work and decided that I would not venture out again without my stick incase it happens again. My stick is not my friend it gives me blisters and makes me feel even more vulnerable - it's almost like a target for 'would be' assassins like him but I'm resigned to the fact it is becoming a necessity.

I love my job - I like the people and for the first time also my manager but I have given up on the trains (made me hurt) what a faff they are and expensive! Late hot and stuffed full of morons even dear old Amy Winehouse on headphones couldn't drown out the misery so I vowed I would no longer use them and have driven ever since. My radio is my friend and we chat most of the way - I laugh - answer them and arrive at work refreshed and in a good mood rather than the headachy mess I was before. I no longer have to listen to idiots shouting into mobiles or eating pasties at 7am - oh yes that happens - nor do I have the horrendous struggle to the office from the station. Until the rail companies do something about 'not so quiet' carriages and the cost I would rather drive - in fact I'd rather stick pins under my finger nails but that's another story.

Weekends now consist of food shopping at night (Aspie thing for Jon) housework and nail painting and the over whelming urge to eat my body weight in Percy pigs the best thing to come out if M&S since the sliced loaf. How can their profits fall when the whole country eats them? Their clothes i feel are out dated and expensive but Percy and his friends are fab. Colin the caterpillar comes a close second by the way but Percy is my favourite. He even has a FB page!

I've got a few reasons to be proud of myself as I have learnt another computer system at work and that's with fibro brain plus I have learnt my new title is a 'fibromite'. Isn't that dreadful how people have to be labeled in some way and how suddenly the hash tag becomes so important on the tweets that they type. I don't feel the need to do this - yes I'm disabled - yes I'm in chronic pain but I'm also me and I am not defined by my conditions. Neither am I under any illusion that I will get any better but there is so much more to me than fibromyalgia - there is the arthritis as well !! Lol but seriously I don't feel the need for a label. If you like me or don't like me for that matter its because of what's in or out of my head not because I've got this horrible condition.

For a long time now I have watched this government and their treatment of disabled people - I have watched their smug grins during the Olympics as the athletes won awards for this country plus the how proud are we speeches. The shambles that is the ATOS controversy of assessments since is heart breaking - how suddenly paralympians are relegated from hero status - now they have become virtual scroungers and are having the most appalling time since. I myself have had a taste of it last Monday and its a bitter taste I tell you. What this country is doing to disability is in my opinion a crime whilst I agree a few people do swing the lead as it where an awful lot more are genuinely loosing out on money they need to live, work and live a normal life. I feel this government is taking us back to the dark ages with their opinions and views that are so out dated its shocking. I feel that ATOS HCP's appear to be declaring most people fit for work, a lot of them are not and a lot have died because of stress etc and of those who appeal about half go on to win. This costs the country more than the benefit would in the first place!! How does that work? So a doc can treat a patient for most of their life yet does not know as much as an ATOS HCP who interviews them for an hour guided by 'set questions' and gives them silly tasks to do. I have since been told that moving forward when appealing that doctors will not be encouraged or even banned to aid the patient with the evidence of their condition either. I feel this is possibly the worst case of a government cover up I've ever seen? Even the debate in parliament where MP Liam Byrne spoke so brilliantly seemed to have been sabotaged by late comers - if you don't sit in the debate you shouldn't be able to vote? - did you see that ? Maybe they would prefer as all to disappear totally it makes me so bloody angry. Anyway enough about that I try to keep politics off here as its not about that, but I felt I had to say something as it borders on a national disgrace or 'eugenics' by the front door as its not even hidden. 

Why is it in this heat people feel the need to expose white bits? White bits that let's be honest are not the prettiest. Or why young girls wear the shortest shorts that leave the bum cheek exposed and give lots of old guys an eyeful! I've seen some sights this week -  I've seen some terrible tattoos and I've seen a lot if guys with bigger breasts than me. Whilst you think you look lovely spare a thought for the other people out there who may not have eaten their lunch and for goodness sake deodorant is needed for a reason especially if you sit next to someone during the day or on the bus. I for one prefer the winter as I love thick wooly jumpers and boots and I always manage to keep hold of my lunch ......and my white bits!

Is it Friday yet??? .....

I am writing this with one eye half closed and the other propped up with a matchstick. Running on empty is the correct terminology I believe. I absolutely love my new job and I begin another round of training next week, it is better than all at once I think as my poor old brain cannot cope with too much in one go. I am starting to remember people’s names as well - this is always a bonus especially when I am calling them across the office - its embarrassing but yes I have done that!. The only drawback is the trains, I know I said I would drive but I chickened out at the last minute - when I leave the house I am not awake therefore I consider myself a danger to other road users and at least on the train I can doze a while longer. In actual fact I am getting an earlier train now and even though it gets me to work at stupid o clock it works out better as it is less busy, this I prefer as I still hate some other commuters with a passion. Especially mouth breathers who breathe all their germs all over you whilst you try and sink into the seat and become invisible as I do every morning. On the train back I actually do not care I am so glad to be homeward bound I would gladly whip my top off if it meant getting a window seat.

I am actually a little upset - as I hold a disabled rail card this entitles me to a seat with a little bit more leg room as with my bad hip I need it but there is always people sat in them already as most seem to prefer the extra leg room. On top of each seat is a notice that states if a disabled person asks you to need to move but I am often too scared to ask anyone so every journey I sit in agony - stupid yes but I cannot be the only one -  people are so unpredictable so I am sensible.... aren’t I? One day I will pluck up the courage but it’s really difficult - again because I look relatively normal with a hidden disability but it is frustrating never the less. 

On the subject on frustrating let me tell you about Jon and the fact he has warn himself out completely working virtually nonstop for the last few years. His obsession is his work and he will never change, I have nagged him relentlessly for such a long time but he refuses to listen to me and continues on. Its the one side of aspergers i don't like - the obsessive driveness. Whilst he is improving and promoting his image art wise he is not doing anything promote his image with me! I have grown used to this but I do often long for a long weekend away that doesn’t involve trudging around a field planting book flags or standing on a remote beach somewhere blue with cold whilst he lays down flat in the mud staring endlessly at rocks and tiny fossils. (Who by the way are his friends!) Is it so wrong that I desperately miss the social side of other people, the buzz and the rush I used to get from getting ready to go out to a club or pub, and the hangover afterwards. It kind of feels like my life is slipping away from me and I am wasting the time - either too tired to do anything or upset because Jonathan is having to keep working. If and when I breach the subject with him I risk his temper and that is not pleasant because he fights his corner when he sees things as necessary. So finally He has reached a point this week when the nonstop stress and work caught up with him and rendered him 'standstillable' unwell so a forced few days rest were ordered but I don’t think It will make any difference and in a few weeks he will be back to normal. Therefore maybe I need to advertise for a companion as they sometimes do, that sounds terribly old though......

Last weekend my youngest introduced us to her latest who we both like - I am unsure if I should tell her though if I do it may be the kiss of death for their relationship as it is possible she may decide she doesn’t like him just because I do, honestly!!! She would ... kids can be so confusing and contrary. Before they came to visit I nipped out to buy a 'cutty cake', just something to offer with tea so he didn’t think we were unsociable. I realise he would probably have preferred butties & larger but I felt tea and cake was more civilised, I didn’t want him to think badly of us. So I headed off to Morrisons to choose a nice cake and to possibly get some flowers as well. When I got there a lot of products had been reduced including all the fresh cream cakes so that was an easy decision. There was about twelve boxes left and I picked up a box and I was just about to get another when this enormous woman almost killed me to get to the fridge - she lifted up the remaining boxes and put them ALL into her trolley and trotted off!! I was stunned as to her rudeness and the fact she had picked them all up so incensed with rage And on a mission I followed her silently - I was like an assassin slowly creeping up behind her - in for the kill - whilst I waited for her to stop and turn her back. When we got as far as the cat litter - that was actually on offer - she turned and stopped so I swooped and lifted a box clean off the top of the  pile that she had greedily stashed away in her trolley. I marched off elated grinning from ear to ear with my ill gotten gains - YES - I felt good - I had pinched them from her .... I hurried to the checkout to pay and I was away out of there still smiling. I felt I had done my good deed for the day - she didn’t need all of those cakes anyway and I was there first. Once I returned home I roared with laughter as the conversations turned to me and all the jokes about why she had all of them in the first place but I still felt good. Even Jon approved too........

I’ve had a heavy head cold this week which has laid me low so I have not managed to tweet a lot and this has made me a bit sad I have some lovely followers and to ignore them is rude so I am actually considering a twitter break. The fact that I am out of the house working so much now and when I am home I am shattered all adds to the realisation that possibly a week away from it totally will allow me a breathing space - away from the worry of whether I do or do not reply to direct tweets or lovely comments.  I enjoy it enormously and have done for a long time but just occasionally it can become intrusive so if I vanish from your follower list don’t worry I will be back and you guys will know why in advance. I have not totally decided yet I am still thinking but I am considering. 

Anyway this evening I am off to see Cats with youngest so I’m a little excited, I’ve never actually wanted to see it but she does so we are going but to be honest Id rather spend the night with my own cat at home, poor Horace I miss him during the day now .............

It’s been a good week well so far at least ....................

A busy week ........phew not used to it yet

Apologies for the lack of blogidge of the last couple of weeks but those of you who do read this 'between the lines' will realise that I have started my new full time job, so time is pretty scarce at the moment to say the least.

My job is really good, I've begun to make friends and I seem to have the same sense of humour as the rest of the guys so that's a bonus. I work weekdays 9/5 which is great after YEARS of late's weekends etc so I'm pleased to now be able to book anything I like in for an evening without having to check first. That's the plus side the negatives are after spending the last couple of years working a lot less hours it is suddenly really hard to jump up to full time. That and the house work seem to wipe me out to the point of tears but this is something that with time I will get used to but it seems a long way off at the moment. My fibro is really kicking off but I'm determined to work through it until it becomes normal and my aches pains and tiredness calm down. I've found very little time for twitter and I've not had the energy to be very sociable - either such a change for me.

I have over the last two weeks also been using the train all I can say is OMG - I now know why I learnt to drive. People do not seem to have any idea of what a quiet carriage is nor the meaning of personal space. The other morning a woman sat under the quiet sign and typed for nearly an hour, no problem in that - no - but her keyboard miaowed every time she hit a letter! After 10mins I wanted to rip her head off! I've had to put up with noisy headphones, mobile phones, boring conversations, coughing, sneezing, nose picking and a daft old woman who didn't smell to clever greeting everybody who entered our carriage with the expression of 'its a bit blowy out there'. That and the feeling of nausea that creeps over me when I smell the unwashed or the over sprayed woman waft over me. On one journey in the bloke next to me gelled his hair, sprayed his pits and ate his breakfast!! I kid you not .

I hate the train. I hate everything about it, the cost, the time tables, the passengers and the endless stops - when all I want to do is climb in the bath and wash that unclean feeling away. By the time I get home I'm a nervous wreck, stressed to the eyeballs and over tired. So next week I'm going to drive in. At least if I do I will no longer have to get to the station in double quick time or wait nearly 30mins. I am expecting to sit in traffic and to curse other road users but I will have my iPod and no other passengers so I'm sure it will be better. So car full up and route planned.

On Friday after work I came home full of dread knowing that the house needed a bit of attention as I'd avoided it all week. I set to it a room at a time strangely empowered by the feeling of a weekend at home I finished including two loads of washing at about 8pm and decided to pause for tea then after catching up on a few emails at about 10pm I went shopping! Never before have I gone so late but I was amazed as to how much better it is no people in my way. No fighting in the isles and straight through the checkout I will be doing that again. I really hate the way I have to go every week or do on line. I've got friends who sit at work grinning and filling in a form whilst working on their PC but frankly no that's not for me. I like to choose the dates I buy and not have substitutes added that I would never usually look twice at.

Jon has had an exciting week this week with the performance last evening of his work he has been doing with Prof Simon Baron Cohen at Cambridge - revaluing Autistic thinking project - 'Aspergers' mixed with modular synthesisers - reams of blog and poetry, wires, wood the lot  - our house resembled a base camp at the foot of Everest with all the bags and metal boxes brought home ready to move - all of which proved to be a job and a half transporting to London to 'The Arts Catalyst' but mission accomplished as they say and he was back at 1am in a taxi - I for one am relieved its all over until the next time I suppose.

I took a trip to the theatre with my daughters to see Pricilla wow what a show really enjoyed it so funny and the songs were great even the audience were dressed in feather boas. Honestly if you get the opportunity go its a brilliant day out and you will love it. We are doing 'Cats' this week not sure about this one it was her idea but its a night out and I need a bit of fun. I've started another run of counselling just to come to terms with a few things its all so clinical and they don't hold all the answers nor unfortunately do the words 'isy wissy let's get busy' work either but if it helps me in the long run its gotta be good. Its good to have a label as to why you hurt and it enables you to get the correct medication but the realities of life is often something that we occasionally need help accepting and that's what I need help with as its not always easy trying to appear normal .... What ever normal is ....
Who wants to be normal anyway ....

Living the dream ..... Yes really

Today I was fed up I went and got my nails done with bright red tips - they are fab. I'm glad I did I learnt a lesson whilst I was there, maybe I will share with you.....

I woke this morning in terrible pain, my feet were hurting - especially my toes. Recently they have started throbbing, they hurt so much it makes me cry and I don't understand why they do but after a few painkillers they calm down - today was such a day.

I start my new job on Monday and I always get my hair and nails done as a form of a confidence boost whenever i start a new role - so I decided that was going to be my mission for today and I set off to get them done. I love the nail bar, the banter, the smell and all the different polishes lined up to choose from - I feel like a kid in a sweetshop. Actually years ago I trained as a nail tech so I could do acrylics gels etc but I can't do my own any more. The pain in my fingers is excruciating due to my arthritis but the beautiful finished product outweighs the agony of having them done. I sit there thinking of all the different combinations I could have and I've never been disappointed once. The girls are Korean and beautiful and the animated way they chat is addictive to listen to, it sounds almost 'song like' as they giggle and chat their way through the queue. There is always a wait and the owner always shouts '5 minute!' when you ask how long you will have to wait - which is really funny because it never is but this always adds to the experience and I enjoy it enormously.

Behind me was an elderly lady in a motorised wheelchair, she didn't have a tooth in her head, a rather dark heavily back combed head of hair and huge 'Pat Butcher' style earrings. She was at least 90, heavily made up and she had the longest bluest nails I've ever seen. She sat watching from her chair for the usual 20min before a bay was cleared for her and then it was her turn. She looked at the boss of the shop and said really loudly 'That was the longest 5 bloody minutes of my life' and laughed so loudly she made all of us laugh too. Two guys had to help her out of her chair and across into the nail bar chair which they did and she laughed the whole time as the transfer took place. Eventually she sat next to me and I was struck by the appearance of her elderly frail hands, her skin was almost transparent and on every finger was a huge ring - most of which were gold. She was a rough diamond without a doubt but she was so fascinating to watch, so upbeat I felt ashamed of how my arthritis had got to me and just how low it had made me feel. She sat there for the best part of an hour and was the life and soul of the place. She had her nails painted, buffed and filed and they were the dirtiest nails I had ever seen but I admired that old girl she had obviously worked hard all her life. She is in there every week and it is her treat to herself, she has numerous mobility problems and was well past 90 but had more life in her than probably anyone I've ever met. I bet her rings weighed more than she did - she lost half her weight as the polish came off. She, in that hour taught me a valuable lesson, yes chronic pain is terrible but I have a sense of humour just like she has - that's my key to being happier. I must learn to channel it better to make it work harder and in turn it will help me to be more satisfied with 'my lot' as it were and this I will try to do ....

 Jon on the other hand is 'living the dream' - recently funny headline - really - he had a triple page spread in our local press -  if I can I will add a link on here so you can read it I am enormously proud of him and all he has done since we got together its about time the tide changed for both of us ....

http://www.portsmouth.co.uk/life/fighting-fear-and-living-the-dream-1-5141118

Today I've been mostly thinking x 

Bank Holiday ........Where? Sssh ........

'Bank Holiday' where? I've spent mine in my pyjamas crawling on my knees, sweating and stretching up in order to paint the bathroom. Finally after 7 years and allowing for one tiny corner that still needs work, I have a bathroom I'm proud to let guests use. If we had any guests of course which luckily at the moment we don't. I have also cleared my wardrobe as I promised you guys I would and I have also cleaned the fridge. I also after much effort and nagging managed to sort the dining room, not as much as I wanted to but a beginning at least. So the only 'problem area' left is the garden, that I cannot tackle on my own - gone are the digging and weeding days for me. I also cannot erect the new fence but to be honest we can't enjoy our garden from our house anyway as we don't have the luxury of patio doors so as I can't see it, it doesn't matter to much. But I must do something because I would love to sit in it and enjoy the peace.....

Peace? Who am I kidding, the kids next-door have a trampoline and you have never heard kids as noisy, honestly they only seem to have two volume settings - loud and louder. We cannot sit in our garden, nor in fact use the back of our house because of it. Every morning between 6/7 am they start yelling and we don't get a break unless they go out at 8:30 on a school day often screaming as they go. I raised two girls, probably the same kind of age gap as well but my pair did not behave like they do. Screaming, crying, stamping and running about all days all hours - it's intolerable to me let alone Jon, as our house often shakes as they stamp, yet if we say anything we are afraid it will only become worse or the adults may start a campaign against us. That's the trouble these days not many kids or adults are respectful of each other, it's so rare to hear a child say please and thank you. A short while ago in my local newsagent a little boy did say thank you as he was handed his change. He was so polite it made me look up from what i was doing and congratulate his mum as to what a lovely little chap he was, but didn't it used to be the rude ones that stood out? As opposed to the polite ones? Shame really as I firmly believe that we are storing up a lot of trouble for ourselves in years to come as a lot of kids these days don't seem to have the fear of anybody let alone respect anything, that's a scary prospect in my book.   

There isn't a muscle in my body that doesn't hurt today, that's the thing about fibromyalgia the pay back for doing anything on a slightly better feeling day is horrendous. I worry about this a lot. I really have to weigh up if its worth doing anything at all even on the odd day when I feel a bit brighter as I know for a few days after I will really hurt. My fairy god mother moved out years ago mores the pity so I don't really have much choice do I? If by any chance she comes again I wouldn't want to go to a ball or a night club in a posh frock - even with the prospect of a new pair of shoes, but I would quite like someone to give me a hand and couple of hours indoors with a paint brush....

Lots of you loved my last post involving my daft cat Horace and his squeaky little friend. Horace is actually only here because we have had so much trouble with mice in the past. We live very close to the railway line and at this time of year we do seem to get a lot of  mice running about. Last year was the worst and to be honest it neatly broke me....so that's why I went and got the H (also for Jons PTSD). He was away somewhere and he had set all our traps in our kitchen before he left. I was actually not happy as I would rather he hadn't. I told him that if anything was caught in them I wouldn't be able to deal with it. He said he would sort when he returned from his trip. I avoided the kitchen in the evenings and had invested in a rather large lidded plastic box in which I kept our bread etc so at least that would be untouched. So imagine my horror when I crept into the kitchen in the morning and found a mouse doing a very good Ben Hur 'chariot race' impression as it dragged itself all over the kitchen floor whilst its back end remained on the trap. I screamed the house down flung open the front door and yelled for help! - by chance just as a rather attractive policeman was walking past. I begged him to rescue me but he looked rather taken aback at the time. There I was, a mad woman, only dressed in a tshirt quite hysterical. On the doorstep he informed me he 'dealt with drugs burglary and car theft'  not mice but if i promised not to tell anyone at the station he would help. He saved the day (catch and disposal) and I probably made his - its funny now looking back on it now - he must of told all his mates about this mad bint who had accosted him whilst he was on his rounds. It was about then I decided that I was going to declare war on the rodents and I was going to get the best mouser possible. A few weeks later we had the H but so far all he does is fetch them and bring them to me to play with ??? No words can describe this so we have to teach him its not my idea of a game as he had another the other night in the hall........sending me shrieking up the stairs..........

Oh here we go again - more stamping as the kids next-door have yet another tantrum I'm surprised you can't hear them ......

Today ....well its been a painful day in more ways than one x

Tester pots, pom-poms and mayhem

Jobs it appears are like buses you get sod all and then two come along at once.... 

I have looked at the pros n cons of both and I am taking the one with less money but nicer hours. So no more late's or weekends for me for a while anyway as I will begin a new adventure - I'm not aloud to tell you what I will be doing as its a secret lol - no really I can't say but I can tell you its a totally new field for me with no selling at all! That's the best bit I think I must of wowed them in my interview as I've never done anything like this before but I think my daft sense of humour may have helped, when I was asked how I would deal with a challenging customer I replied I always swear at them this bought the house down and I think it sealed the deal.

So far after my adventure in hobby craft I have made the grand sum of two pom-poms! Not a lot no but a beginning I think and they look great sitting on top of my chest of draws. I just now need to think what I can do with them - I may well leave them where they are as they are kinda cute if a little impractical.

The worst thing to happen this week involves Horace our Bengal-cross male pussy cat who we both love so much. This week he has started earning his keep at last - the day before last I was watching 'pointless' on TV when in he walked in to the lounge complete with squealing mouse hanging out of his mouth. It wasn't nice I will tell you! He dropped it on the floor at my feet and it ran under the sofa and out the other side and into our hall. There is something about mice that turn me into a complete girl! Hysteria central I was as Horace chased this poor creature up and down the hall. I sat on the sofa legs above my ears (not easy at my age) whilst I dialled everybody I knew who could rescue me, until I found a kind soul who appeared 10 mins later. He turned up on my door step with a tea cup and saucer? Something I still don't understand and he proceeded to try and rescue the mouse. Unfortunately he wears a knee brace which squeaks when he moves so I was actually close to tears by this point as I was unsure what noise was him and what was the mouse! I can actually hear you all laughing!! It wasn't funny. The mouse escaped into our skirting board and I half expected him to wave as he vanished but - personally I was glad he had. My friend then said his goodbyes but I spent the rest of the evening with one eye firmly fixed on the floor. I still don't understand why he bought a bone china cup and saucer? I forgot to ask him in all the mayhem - He is funny really.

I am relieved I have secured work - honestly I am but I really am enjoying being at home with my cat and my house is beginning to look clean again. I've done my wardrobe as I wanted to - I've sent at least twenty bags to the charity shop. I've dusted hoovered and polished everything, even taking down the nets - it's kind of like living in someone else's house at the moment as its so clean. All I want to do now is the bathroom - so 'in a bit' I'm off to our local DIY store where I will look at the different colours 'again' and bring home patches/tester pots so Jon can refuse them all and ask for duck egg blue AGAIN the answer will be no of course and we will wait another 6 months but I am going to try...

Wish me luck 

Today it's been a cold day with a touch of humour x    

Friendships and lies

I have been doing a lot of research into other people's blogs over the last couple of days. A lot of different types from 'make-up' recommendations to some really disturbing all or nothing personal experience ones. A lot of them have more photos than words and I feel that as mine appears to be mainly words i am going to be working on maybe adding pics etc but for now I am sticking to the same format. Thanks to you Sal ... Sal incase you are wondering is a dear friend I met on twitter - she has persuaded me to continue for the time being at least, so thanks bird you won.....I'm still blogging ....

Friendships are a difficult subject for most of us to understand ....I've made friends over the years when at school college, gym etc,  but mostly within the work place and at the time they were so important but once either of us left that environment or work place thats it. maybe also after the initial catch up sessions we both realised the lesson that the only real reason we were friends was because we worked together and that all we had in common was our hatred for our boss/team leaders. is this to be expected? a natural occurrence to most people? Then again when however you have to explain such things to an Aspie such as Jon its hard. I've tried so many times to explain that people are not necessarily lying to him if a promise has been broken and that with the best will in the world sometimes people cannot do everything they say they will. But the disappointment is etched on his face every time it happens within his work environment.

I have visited the hairdressers and each time I build up a relationship with him or her and they assure me they will not be leaving, that they are happy in that salon - so I begin to trust them and ask for them personally  each time i visit and slowly they begin to understand what I mean when I say 'half an inch' only to find on my next visit they have left and nobody will say where they have gone! It's a difficult lesson to learn especially for Jon so its just as well he is bald...... but seriously when it comes to work it is so important to him he really cannot understand why everybody else doesn't feel the same about it. I have tried to explain most people 'work to live' not 'live to work' as he does 24/7. This he finds difficult - hard when he lets someone in to his world work wise and they dare to want to leave to pursue other projects - to him it feels like a dagger in his back and this he views as a very personal act against him. I've tried to explain each time that this isn't the case but he feels it 100%. If by some miracle we won the lottery I honestly believe he would work just as hard as he does now, I don't think he would change in the slightest. He would still worry about dead lines and would sit up all night trawling the Internet trying to read reviews of products before he buys them and we would have to look for bargains in the supermarkets. 

When we first got together we would get up really early on a Sunday morning and go and visit a large car boot sale a few miles from home. We loved the bargains, the fact we never knew what we were going to see and the fact we could make £10 go such a long way! Many things made there way into our place, books, CDs - you name it. We at one point or another bought it and our house quickly began to look like something or at least the  beginning of one of those dreadful hoarder houses that seem to crop up on TV now and again. We had a large collection of South Park figures I remember but over our time we learnt that we couldn't keep so much so most of it went the way of the charity shop. She was some snotty bint I remember who I vowed never to return to and have since found a different charity and a grateful shop manager who loves receiving parcels from us and often does. 

Friendships unfortunately cannot be taken to the charity shop once you no longer require them. You have to realise that not all people are as worthy of your attention as others and you have to learn that the good friends are worth the effort to keep in touch with. I have just or am just beginning to learn that one for myself and when I've learnt it I can try and explain it to Jonathan but that is going to be a difficult one to explain as its still so very hard  even for me ...... Let alone him 

Today has been a long day x

13yrs and no gold watch but a lot of laughs

Those of you who really know me will already know this but 13 yrs ago today I threw Jons push bike into the back of my silver mondeo and drove off towards his flat. It was pouring with rain and I felt sorry for him. We sat outside his flat chatting for ages before he got out retrieved his bike and arranged to go out for a drink a few days later. It seems such a long time ago yet strangely in others just yesterday. We've come a long way in that time, we've laughed and cried and probably secretly planned each others murders (I know I have) but we are still together and we still care enough to fight occasionally. That last statement is true in my opinion - how many people do you know who don't? They sit silently doing their own thing and do not really understand what is going on in their partners heads. With me a lot of it I would actually prefer not to know as its a weird mix of Steven King and reversed reality but I'm still here all the same. 

At what point do you give up on a relationship? At what age do you become to old to wipe the slate clean and start again? And how much of wanting to do this is purely for selfish reasons when in actual fact the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side despite how much it appears to have been weeded. I have seen friends who have seemed to have such exciting sparkly lives, complete with 'made to measure' curtains and 'perfect children' suddenly reduced to tears when they realise that their perfect daughter will probably smoke a cigarette, bunk off school at least once and will shout 'I wish I was an orphan' when you ask her to tidy up her bedroom at 12. All of this has happened to me with mine but they have developed into decent adults despite a few traumatic years in-between, all the same.

I was bought up correctly by parents who explained marriages were bloody hard work, life was not a Disney movie and that towels don't actually hang themselves back up. A degree of patience is needed and most things can be solved if not, at least helped with a sense of humour. My mum and dad laughed a lot and I always envied that as I missed laughing in my first marriage. Once I had met Jon and he managed to lift me into his kitchen sink before turning on the cold tap shouting 'washy bum bum' to my near hysteria I actually realised just how much! And to be honest we haven't really stopped laughing since. Suddenly with one look he can reduce me to giggles - we can be on a train and I know what he is thinking and he does me. The initial excitement tummy turning weak knee'd feelings have been replaced by a feeling of security, a feeling of belonging and a feeling of achievement as finally after all the years of misery I have someone who 80% of the time I like spending time with - I think 100% is possibly a bit much to ask for eh?

Don't get me wrong this isn't a Mills n Boon lifestyle choice - I do like the occasional night out with girl friends and The odd shopping trip with my daughters but a lot of my friends who lived life 'through their kids' suddenly find themselves married to a guy they know  nothing about. A guy who they once had feelings for before they then became so involved with cubs, guides and gym clubs they lost all interest.... that in my opinion is sad. It's so important to see each other as individuals not just parents. To make time for each other as well as with the kids this is something that we did as we both had the foresight to do as we had both learnt that lesson the hard way.

So today it's our anniversary of being together 13 years and we waited 9 years before we married as we both didn't see the need and my dear departed mum in-law is the reason we did at all in fact. I knew then that it was not necessarily going to be bathed in the rose coloured glow most young people expect and once they have their perfect day in a long white gown things are a lot harder and then the real work begins....

Maybe they should realise that earlier......

Today has been a good day x 

A crafty beginning

Hello again .....

I've spent a lot of time thinking this week and most of it about this blog where I have been very honest and open about my private thoughts and feelings. Some of this I possibly should not have done. After a rather nasty experience this week I really did consider not writing anymore as I kind of feel too expose so much of myself is rather foolish and I really don't wish complete strangers to know so much about me. It's easy while writing to imagine it's a diary only for your attention as I used to do many years ago. But this diary will not be hidden under my bed and locked with a key hidden in my knicker draw as its read in America and Russia and by people who don't know me nor will ever meet me. I haven't decided yet how I am or indeed if I am going to continue writing so openly which seems a shame as the one thing people have fed back is it is so honest - but like I said we will see......

Now enough of that as It seems I have secured another job! I don't start for a few weeks which is great as I need some time to recover and kick back a bit - maybe a few weeks to rest up and see all my dear friends who I have lost touch with. Loosing my friend Amanda has hit me hard and the fact I never said goodbye due to that terrible job has left a nasty taste in my mouth. If I could turn the clock back I would have gone but unfortunately that trick is only possible in films. Her family have kept her FB account going which is obviously how they cope but to see her popping up on my updates is difficult and a constant reminder she is no longer here.

I have an iPod I love it as it's full of odd tunes and albums ranging from country to pop. Trouble is I hate iTunes and have managed to wipe it clean twice. I really love the portability of this device and the way I can take so much music with me in the car. Jon however drives me mad as he flicks through my tracks moaning as I don't necessarily down load the entire album. Some I do but how many times have you bought an album only to be disappointed with the other tracks? So I don't ........ Jon however cannot understand this. The arguments this has caused are unbelievable, the sarcastic comments of disbelief as he finds another solo song not 12 have driven me to distraction but its MY iPod and I have told him so. He has gone out and bought his own now - he has spent the last three days walking around the house looking like Mickey Mouse (head phones) transferring over 55 of his precious albums on to it and loves it! In fact he now knows more about iTunes than I do which has been an adventure of frustration for him too. Music is such a personal thing, certain voices touch my soul but may not necessarily touch someone else's. So it's probably better we have separate devices and we stick to Pink Floyd in the car - we never argue over Floyd...

I have decided to get busy this week I went along to our local craft store and purchased almost my body weight in felt, wool, buttons, thread etc and I intend to make some brooches/rings. I have a crafty streak and at one point I owned my own kiln and ran a successful pottery business but that was years ago. I really fancy making again and I intend to use the next three weeks wisely even if I wear them all myself I will be happy. The excitement of having such beautiful colours and materials is addictive and I had to drag myself out of the store before I spent to much money. The allure of those places is amazing, all the possibilities of creation are endless and the magazines full of such beautiful designs and ideas.  These always shine so bright and seem so easy but in reality when you have super glued your fingers together for the ninth time complete with cat hair and the last bead you needed is under the sofa where the cat is headed things are not as exciting and you wish you had not started in the first places - well kind of......

I may paint the bathroom this week

I may tidy up the garden

I may sort out my wardrobe and I may even sort out the spare room. 

All these things need doing 

Our fence is hanging off and we now have an imposed full view into our dreadful neighbours kitchen and the antics that happen late at night. The garden is full of weeds, bamboo and untidiness - unfortunately I really do need to find my summer dresses so even though I now have some time in which to do these things all may not happen. I'm due to start pain therapy this week and actually have another interview as well. To suddenly have some time to do such things is weird but I cannot get to like it as it will make returning to work all the more difficult. I am however excited at the prospect of a new beginning and a new adventure and the hope it is nothing like the last one that was an adventure, no scrap that, an ordeal could have done without.

It's been a long week x 

A lesson learnt ....

Well those of you who follow me on twitter already know what happened to me this week. For those who don't and for my twitter followers I will explain properly as I have a few more characters on here.

I enjoyed the training for my new job immensely, the people were kind and I probably would have been fine I just hated the role and I mean I really hated it. I couldn't sell a rain coat to a millionaire in a downpour - I'm not that kinda gal. I hate cold callers myself such a sole destroying job but I was so unhappy at the bank. I thought I'd give it a go but after a few days I realised I wasn't suitable or pushy enough to get anywhere. I had begun to look for another job in the evenings and a few trusted twit friends had been told It wasn't working for me. I hadn't even told Jonathan I wasn't looking forward to that as he worries about me so much.

I was on the top floor with a lot of other people, the view was incredible but its a long way up and often one of the two lifts was out of action. This made me nervous as in a fire I would be in trouble. There was no way I could get down all those stairs , so I had to say something or did I ?.....

If you are disabled this is the big question you ask yourself the minute you apply for a job 'do I tell them?' They always ask - usually its on the application form somewhere between sexuality and religion. So what do you put .....you see your damned if you do and damned if you don't....

Some of you will tell me it doesn't affect your application and that employers are not allowed to discriminate but some of you know different. It's a horrific realisation that it will probably affect it quite badly and if like me you take regular pain killers you would be almost defiantly a liability therefore you probably won't even get an interview. I learnt this the hard way a few years ago when I lost the opportunity to work somewhere I really wanted to because I was honest and admitted I was a chronic pain sufferer. You could see the 'welcome to the firm' grin almost melt in front of my eyes as he made excuses and left the office leaving his secretary to inform me a letter would be in the post. It's very difficult to know precisely what to say I work bloody hard and have worked since I was 17 and am very proud of this. I am unable to walk far that's all. As long as I can stretch my legs often and am able to write things down whilst dealing with customers (memory training) I perform well.

So what do you do ? I don't know the answer to that question yet not 100% I suppose it varies as to the company involved as some are fab at diversity issues. I got the best support I have ever had at the bank that wasn't the reason I left. But unfortunately not all companies are as understanding as they were and not forgetting that I became ill whilst working for them (not related to my job), so I believe they had a duty of care towards me. I was spoilt in that respect but there were other issues that made me unhappy which in the end out weighed the support I was receiving. This is a decision I do not regret even in the position I am in now.

I was asked if my disability would stop me doing my job when I applied for this position. I answered no as that is the truth - it wouldn't however I was not aware of the location of the office at this point so it was a horrible surprise on my first day. The worry actually made me ill, that and the fact that by then I knew i had made a dreadful mistake - so I spoke to my manager as I had seen a sign to say a fire drill was imminent and told her that I couldn't walk down all those stairs. I was asked why i hadn't told them at interview and I replied I was asked if anything would affect my role and that there was no mention as to the location of the office this appeared to be the correct reply as I was told an evac chair was available. 

The following day I was unwell, I had some sort of a tummy upset that I suspect was bought on by worry due to the conversation the previous day and late that afternoon I was told not to return - via my agency as apparently my attendance was not at an acceptable level. I had already decided to leave and I was able to take comfort in that but the day after I had told them about my disability a coincidence? You decide for yourself ........ 

So I find my self applying for roles again, I'm not upset more relieved - Jon has been great and we will manage we have worked on my CV and signed up to a few agencies. I have emailed a lot of applications and I'm sure I will find something. I will not take just anything this time though I will hang out for the one position that I will be happy in. Ideally it would be local and supportive and I will perform well for them. I have to be happy at work at the end of the day you spend more hours at work than at home so its really important to be  happy and settled. I have NVQs in customer service a brilliant work ethic and within me a wealth of experience someone out there will give me a chance and for that I will reward them with loyalty and honesty.

My twitter followers have again kept me going this week. The support and encouragement I have received has been fab and at times overwhelming thank you from the bottom of my heart, so many times in the past I was unwell, lonely and in pain. I was desperate for a chat or a friendly word  unfortunately twitter was not available then but it should have been, life would have been so much better. 

My best friends in my iPhone are as always fab

I've learnt a lot this week x

Felt pins and perfume.

It's been a mixed up kind of week - good and bad in equal measure. The sun has been shining and the added luxury of a bank holiday weekend as well. Unfortunately the weather has caused a lot of people who probably shouldn't, to expose mountains of white flesh! I always find this hysterical but a sure sign our summer is on its way. It's been a bit of a long time coming but I'm really hoping for a good one.

Yesterday we briefly popped into town and I seized the opportunity to nip into my local department store to smell, touch, and spray all the beautiful perfumes - this is my guilty pleasure and I always do it. There is something kind of special about a spray of the most expensive scent for free, I think 'free' makes it smell better as well to be honest. Jon refused point blank to come in so I knew I had to be quick so I opted for my favourite -  Jimmy Choo - quick spray and out smelling gorgeous or so I thought...... 

I was greeted by a sniff and he curled up his nose like he had just emptied the cat litter tray. I was slightly irked to say the least but its my fault I should have realised. He finds most smells over-powering and I was promptly informed it was not a pleasant feeling. On the way home he asked for all the windows in the car to be opened and he held his nose. When I complained I was told it smelt like 'toothache' - how on earth am I supposed to translate that into my one dimensional brain? I therefore decided to leave my secret spraying to when I'm out with my daughters or alone. I ran a deep bubble bath and washed the whole lot off - so all I smelt of afterwards was soap.

These things after twelve-ish years shouldn't upset me really now, but they do. I miss air freshener, especially those foot ones for the car! I miss the plug in ones indoors and I miss the expensive room sprays at Christmas. I still use them occasionally when Jon is away though. I wonder do other Aspies hate some smells too? Or is it just mine. I love the smell of bread cooking or the smell of my ironing (when I do it) or the smell of dogs paws? (Yes it's strange but true) smells are a major part of my world including posh scent. Summer barbecues are another thing guaranteed to make me want one but its not so kind to my washing.

How would we both feel if He lived as me for a week and vice versa? Who would cope better? This is a subject that fascinates me. I don't think he could cope in my world, I think he would find it boring and if I had to spend time in his world maybe I'd totally loose it. So what is the better option? Neither of us REALLY understand how it is for the other and if we worry too much it would all become a chore. If I had to plan everything and always did the same things over and over again I would go crazy. Jon and I just work, its a carefully balanced mix of crazy and consideration. Most marriages are like this - my parents have two lounges! ....but I won't go that far not yet anyway. 

Today I watched The Life of Pi, I was very impressed and surprisingly moved. The bond formed between Pi and the tiger was beautiful, it has made me long for a bond like that. The kind of connection you get with an animal but our cat Horace has a bond with Jon! They are inseparable and Horace has defiantly calmed him down. 

I spent a lot of time this week trying to down size my wardrobe and all the lovely colourful things I have collected over the years. I did manage to fill a bin liner with unwearables but in doing so found lots of things I haven't worn in ages - Including some thinner cardigans. these needed cheering up so in the car we got and took a little trip to HandMade Studios in Rowlands Castle. A couple of 'bought' felt pins later and I have a revived summer wardrobe. I am very proud of my clothes and have rather a lot of them. I love getting up in the morning and choosing what to wear. Mixing and matching items and hopefully choosing a different outfit everyday. Somehow it's me and yes it maybe shallow but its the one thing that I won't let my fibromyalgia spoil. The tablets have made me gain a little weight which I am trying to loose but my heels, skirts and skinny jeans are staying as are my perfumes but just for when I go to work in future - as it's to expensive to just wash off......

Today has been a long day x

Steak and kidney pie

What a whirl wind few days it has been! New people, new computer system and lovely new hot chocolate that's the best bit by far. I have found the last few days slightly easier as the sun has such a positive effect not only on mood but pain levels as well. I expect one day I may want  to move abroad as a warmer climate really does make arthritis better not completely obviously but noticeably easier. 

The only thing that I am struggling with is a lack of tweetage - I miss tweeting and answering tweets! It's amazing how much actually - I miss my twit family and the support they provide. In the evenings I have house work and home work and a marriage as well for that matter. Also daughters and a cat - all wanting attention and time and all deserving of it too. But my energy supply is drained completely and to be honest I just want to climb into bed pull the duvet over my head and stop there - maybe until Christmas but I suspect I would be missed eventually and who would do the shopping? 

I had also considered not doing this blog anymore, I worried about how much to say - what to say etc, but after a lot of thought and some positive comments from readers I have decided to continue for now at least. In fact the positive comments were so lovely and so well timed because I have really been feeling my age this week plus about 50! Don't get me wrong, I'm not old by any strength of the imagination but when you are sat in training with youngsters who were born with a play station controller in their little chubby little hands I'm positively ancient. I am not stupid nor am I computer illiterate but I can struggle with the internal systems some companies use. Unfortunately sitting and asking the computer nicely as to where a certain bit of information is hiding doesn't work - mores the pity and trust me I have asked and pleaded this week. It seems passwords change themselves and the whole thing ends up being a bit of a nightmare. Eventually it will become second nature but I hope it will be before I get my free bus pass and my cold weather payment from the government.

Jonathan has had a few busy weeks as well and the stress of worrying about me has also taken its toll.- The air has been pretty blue I can tell you on quite a few occasions due to my patience wearing very thin but on the positive side its not as blue as when I decorate though that is very blue indeed. Shall I tell you more? 

I once had a meat pie thrown at me! It's really funny now but at the time I was very distressed - I had spent the whole day painting with sweat running down my face in a shower cap and a very old shirt. Jon had been at work and when he came home - being the perfectionist he is - decided to point out a 'run' to me. I dealt with that calmly but then he proceeded to remind me the brush strokes need to be all in the same direction! I'm afraid I saw red at that point and called him a few choice names - I was very angry indeed. Jon didn't appreciate my fragrant language much and threw his steak and kidney pie at me! He said he was off + he left his keys on the side and went out. I actually felt glad for all of five mins as I was really fuming then he was back after fifteen mins declaring he was cold. I had to laugh as its impossible to stay angry with him even when he makes my blood boil - it is often soon extinguished usually with him offering 'perfect' cups of tea.

In our new house I painted every ceiling and wallpapered every wall. I worked tirelessly for months starting early in the morning until very late in the evenings. I drove car loads of furniture on each visit whilst dealing with packing and all the other problems moving can bring. I work better under pressure and enjoyed the feeling of collapsing, totally shattered at the end of the day. I would sit staring at my newly decorated wall or ceiling with the euphoric feeling of 'I did that' in comparison to the same exhaustion I experience now just from doing a days work in the office whilst additionally feeling 'Blimey that needs painting'

One day I will do it but not today 

Because its been a long day x

Not enough spoons

This week has been one of very mixed emotions, I've had the excitement of starting my  new job mixed with the exhaustion of much longer hours. The funeral of my very dear friend and the frustration of being unable to have said goodbye. This has all unfortunately magnified my fibromyalgia symptoms and I feel totally wiped out. The house hasn't seen a duster all week, the fridge is empty and and poor Horace has been on his own a lot more than I would like. The positive side is I've not had any panic attacks and my new work buddies are lovely.

Jonathan got the full shift of my temper this morning because I hadn't parked square on in the parking space and it resulted in me nearly exploding with rage. We had the locking windows and door routine first and I had 10 mins to get into work before I got into trouble. I really didn't need it and to me it really wasn't necessary but I suspect to Jon it was a matter of great importance but I really couldn't deal with it today. I spent my morning trying so hard to listen afterwards but I kept being distracted by visions of Jonathan and the fact I had been so dreadful. Now don't get me wrong he would try anyone of you! but I shouldn't of snapped - its not his fault,

It's easy to say I will try harder or I will be more patient tomorrow, all of this to be honest I struggled with before but since my fibro diagnosis I have REALLY struggled. Its called the spoon theory apparently and the idea is you begin each day with a number of spoons. Each time you have something you must do - it costs you a spoon i.e. you learn to ration your spoons very quickly as once they have all gone that's it, well at the moment I'm used up until about bonfire night!! This isn't good at all I must learn to slow down and if I could grow to prefer an untidy house I'd be made up......

Fibro is such a dreadful thing, you can't talk about it - not really, people don't want to know oh, they make all the right noises to start with. You then get told to 'bore off' after a few weeks, so you smile and don't say a word when every muscle in your body is screaming in pain. Your head is always pounding and all you want to do is to crawl back into bed but even doing that is painful. I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me at all but if I can gain one thing from bearing my soul it would be you don't have to look disabled to be disabled. I may have the right number of arms and legs but I am registered as disabled and I won't get better. I will have bad days and not so bad days but I will try to continue normally for as long as I can and I will travel! I long to travel whilst I'm young enough to really enjoy it.

On a lighter note Jon has volunteered to help me with the shopping tomorrow 

I can't wait.........

More over the weekend I'm tired today

It's been a sad day x 

Flat Earth and Flat Eric

I want to firstly sit back and breathe in calmly after what has been a rather hectic week. From this point last week when I frantically searched the 'wonder web' for a new job to today when I've got one starting Monday is a bit of a blur. I have been having chest pains for a while and under doctors advice I decided it was time to call it quits - so I didn't go back to my old role after taking a break. I feel relieved and a little excited as a new one brings challenges but I know I have made the right decision. I took the car in for its MOT as well on Monday and yesterday picked up a new(er) one so as you can see I've been busy. All the paper work that goes with buying a new car is ridiculous, that and dealing with 2 HR depts has made for an interesting few days I can tell you- that and the constant request for information, bank account details and dates has put me off doing this again for the foreseeable I can tell you.....

I spent a very worrying time last night as my youngest daughter who has only just passed her driving test drove all the way to Wales after work yesterday at 10pm - she is braver than I am. I drove to Bristol with Jon once and hated it - Bristol has so many roundabouts!! We spent the trip arguing and swearing and I ended up on the motorway to Wales when in fact we needed to beheading to the entrance to the Travel lodge in Bristol the other way It seems funny now but it was bloody stressful at the time Jon was so angry he didn't speak to me for hours - he said don't go that way whatever you do and I did......

The sun is shining today it really does help brighten up my mood, it defiantly improves my pain. I'm feeling a bit more positive for once, in fact the only upsetting thing is the last conversation I had with Amanda was that - I hated my job. We laughed about it, she told me to get another and that I would feel better once I had. Now I have and i am pleased but because of this I can't go to her funeral as it's in my first week - therefore its not acceptable to ask as I will be in training. I know Amanda wouldn't mind, in fact she would probably laugh but its upset me quite a lot as really - I should go, i want to go, mainly to say goodbye. Jonathan offered to go on my behalf, this moved me more than I can say as its a big thing for anybody to do but for Jon and his Aspieness its mega hard - I declined his offer but it was unknowingly sweet of him.

Today we went for our first walk along the sea front in the sun this year. This brought in itself a series of challenges including unruly children on scooters, teenagers and a group of rather drunken men who given a guitar seem to suddenly think they could sing. We walked into the park, found a bench tucked away from the crowd, listened, and laughed like idiots as they murdered everything from the Beatles to Blur. Some of the words were missing and some were incorrect but every note was slightly flat - very funny indeed. 

Talking about 'Flat' leads me on to our little friend - Flat Eric - do you remember him? I  will pop a picture on for you if I can work how to do it. He was part of a Levi's campaign I think years ago with 'sound track song' and Jon loves him. We went through a stage of buying one at every boot sale/shop we saw them in - we must have 20, all lined up on shelves in our house. We have all sizes from the tiny ones to the bigger sized ones. We even had one in the car and Jon stitched two sticks to its arms, one hands fingers into a 'V' sign and a fag on the one hand. When ever we went out driving he would have the stereo up with the proper music and make this Eric smoke whilst he sat him hanging 'lounging' out the window head banging to the beat - just as in the advert. The effect this used to have on other car drivers, pedestrians and passengers was very funny. Often they would initially point and laugh, hoot their horns or shout out - it really did cheer people up. Once we were driving home on the motorway and in the car in front were two little dogs. Well we followed them for miles making them bark with the Eric popping up and pointing. It was very funny as every time they stopped and settled down Jon would wave at them and they would go frantic, pure genius.  it was not dangerous of course but very funny, sometimes he has a lot of bottle and mischief. miss him actually doing this - maybe this summer we will start again as when he was doing that he ignored the speedo haha. Someone once asked why we had so many? "because they have different personalities " was the reply and how can you argue with that .......

Well I'm sorry I've not written as much this week but I hope to write a couple of times each week-  funny stuff and then again I will want to let you know how I get on with the job won't  I.

Today has been a good day x

 Some of our little Eric's .............

Productive Day

Well I'm here again, smiling much and very relieved. I really have made some decisions over the last couple of days including buying a new car. I have also decided to accept a new chapter in my life with open arms. So much time is spent at work and if you are not happy it's not productive nor beneficial - so I'm off to a new adventure and incidentally my fibro pain has lifted slightly since I made the decision. Jon is pleased for me and life on Walton's mountain is better. I have an unexpected few days off which I Intend to use wisely and some of which I will use to talk to you. I also intend to rest, well I intend to - Jon may well have other ideas...  Lets hope not 

I was laughing today as I was telling a friend about an incident that happened to me years ago at the theatre. I had gone into the ladies during the performance and the first cubicle was filthy mess up the walls etc so I shuddered and entered the second cubicle. Later I was at the sink washing my hands when an elderly lady walked into the area. She in turn walked into the first cubicle and muttered something under her breath. As she walked out she faced me and I announced very loudly "I just did that" she looked at me horrified and entered the second cubicle. Later on I realised she must of assumed I was bragging and had made all the mess! I really was horrified and I spent the rest of the performance with my collar up and slumped in my seat - it still makes me laugh. She must have told her friends I was a right dirty cow hehe.

Jon has an invite to show work in America so that's very exciting - so things appear to be looking up for us both. All we need now is for the elephants next door to quieten or a nice less vocal family to move in, but we are not counting are chickens just yet. It doesn't pay to do to much chicken counting from what I've learnt - it's a recipe for something else to happen and after the terrible scenes on the TV last evening from Boston and of course the big funeral tomorrow lets hope it all remains trouble free. 

I take delivery of my new car on Friday I hope it smells nice and the engine has a constant regular rhythm and pattern or we may well be taking it back but luckily the garage knows us and understands if I say 'he' says after one trip it doesn't 'taste right' - I don't mean he's  eaten some of it.....it's well -  'aspie' business 

Short blog tonight as I have had so much excitement I've warn myself out....

It's been a busy day x

Cat House (true story but gruesome) you have been warned

When Jon and I first got together years before we bought our own home we lived in temporary council property. We had 5 kids between us and things weren't easy to say the least eventually after begging our local councillor we were told there was a property available but it did need a good clean. We decided to go and view it despite the council woman telling us no keys were yet available. When we got there I was heart broken it was such a massive step down for myself as I had owned my own home for many years but we knew it was not for long and that we would be on the property ladder again as soon as we were able to. The area was shocking and it was in a really bad state, but it was a house with a garden and we did have kids so we reluctantly agreed to take it on. When we went to sign for it our housing officer we will call her Debra, told us that she had agreed to give us a budget of £50 towards bleach as the house had a dreadful smell but as I said we were desperate .....

I remember the day like it was yesterday the sun was warm and had heated the house accordingly. Thus had the unfortunate effect of making the smell unbearable but I set to work. All the skirting was scrubbed, as were the walls, floors and doors in fact every thing got the same treatment but the smell was still there. It was 'cat wee' really strong and it was horrid we decided the only thing we could do was to sand all the floors as we were convinced it was just a couple of pets that had not been house trained correctly.

We had a 50p slot meter for the electric many years after they had been replaced and the electric company told us they had not had access to the property since the 70s! We had no heating and the windows were all rotten. I became very distressed and a visit was arranged with a surveyor. Now I've worked every day since I left school I've never claimed anything but this chap had decided we were scrounges and he obviously did not want to do anything but he reluctantly agreed that work was to be done urgently. He agreed we could have a new bathroom and kitchen and a chippy to sort out the woodwork and the whole house was to be treated for dry rot - also all the windows were to be replaced and central heating needed to be installed. Nobody had had access to the property for the best part of 30yrs so you can imagine the state of it and he was annoyed that the budget was to be so expensive.

I decided to strip all the walls to help rid the house of its smell but unfortunately all the plaster fell off, yes ALL of it, it was blown in every room so out again he came and reluctantly agreed we could have the whole house replastered. it also needed to be rewired as well as the tradesmen had refused to use any equipment in the house as the electrics were so bad! I spoke to 'Debra' who informed me our moving date was to stay as it was and after many tears she agreed we could delay it but as we couldn't afford 2 lots of rent she wasn't happy. She also arranged for the plastering to be completed before the electrics and double glazing and I'm afraid this made me loose my temper - this woman was about 20yrs old and clueless. Even though I pointed out the stupidness of this she refused to change her mind.

So we couldn't do anything indoors because the house was full of workmen, so that left the garden, the grass was 3ft high and we could get on with that or so we thought .......

We got spades, forks shrubs etc but the ground was to hard so we could only clear some grass and we realised to our horror the surface was 2ft higher and made of cat litter! Yep cat litter! The whole garden was deep in it! rock hard, it was like concrete and it stank. On the same day whilst digging, Jonathan pulled out 3 old and tatty shirts which were buried deep in the dirt. He also pulled out several skulls, excitedly telling me they were from a cat and being Jon he was delighted!  It was like a ghoulish private time-team - lol - he had always wanted a cat skull but I was totally freaked by this and headed indoors - then after an hour he had found 3 more complete with 'other' boney parts! I was inconsolable, I shook, I cried and I felt sick - but luckily one of the plasterers who were by now friends told the surveyor and I forbid Jon to do anymore digging. The man from the council told us to stop, declares the garden a health hazard and said he would have to get professionals in to clear the garden.

A few days later the 'professionals' turned up - well 3 or them with black bin bags and a spade! On inspection they refused to do anything to help as it was such a huge job. Therefore a week later the mini diggers came and three more men in huge lorries. The whole garden was to be removed to a depth of 3-4 feet and replaced with fresh top soil. From that back garden over 100 dead cats were removed as well as numerous rabbits and small animals - each day was like something out of 'pet cemetery' and I will never forget it. It was a vile job for them and I will never forget Jon coming out with custard creams on china plates as the youngest workman was vomiting in the corner after opening an ice cream tub of cat soup - honestly it was horrific. The front garden was also removed more cats and a large dog departed and the whole lot left the street in large lorries.

I started taking anti depressants after this and I forbade my children from telling their friends as the shame began to sink in. I can only talk about it now as we now have our lovely home and the mortgage to go with it but I am just beginning to laugh about it. The whole episode was an embarrassment to the council and we were offered compensation  possibly to keep us quiet? not a huge sum but a bit more than the bleach she had agreed to immediately. A couple of months free rent and a patio - this turned out to be 12 paving slabs and a small amount of cement - deeply ironic when you think what can end up under patios! All in all the whole house had been rebuilt, it took 5 months and it was still horrible when finished but we stayed for about 4 years. To me it was never a home, we didn't have one of those until we bought this one - proudly! The biggest irony was when we moved out we were warned we had to leave it in the state it was when we moved in.......we didn't 

Now i don't swear a great deal but I did that day at 'dear old Debra' - unbelievably she felt she still had to say that line from the agreement out loud.........

Incidentally if you are wondering, the previous tenants were two old boys. They collected cats and had about 60 in the house, one brother died in the property, having been left for many months before his body was removed he 'travelled' a bit lets say and the other went senile, eventually being put into a home once he reached 85 I believe. I often look around our home now and smile that its ours, no skeletons in our garden, nor does it smell and we even have a cat but how we remained 'upright' during that time I will never know.

But if anyone mentions Stephen King asks to bury something in the garden I won't be responsible for my actions - we know all the jokes x  

A Sunday Ramble

Today started badly - awoke feeling very sorry for myself as the pain in my shoulders is still shocking. Jon produced toast and tea which was nice then I decided to check my FaceBook account and there it was - a very unwelcome advertisement for Mcarthy Stone retirement flats!! And my now 'not so close' friend suggested I take a look, bloody cheek I'm no where near that time yet and even when I am I will need to be tranquillised before I considered moving into one! I will be dying my hair red and wearing eye liner possibly into my seventies! I refuse to be seen without lipstick and would rather ignore the door than open it if I don't look my best. Shallow? No its just me and i refuse to let this bloody disease beat me ......

I suggested to Jon we went out for lunch, he very reluctantly agreed as long as we go some where not busy - so unpopular?? I politely informed him if we did that we may well get salmonella food poisoning as that may well be why the restaurant is not busy - which is not really a good idea and he found that funny. I am now waiting for him to decide which establishment we will visit. It's hard for him doing things at short notice especially if involves being out in the world with people - socially..... More later

We go.....I do wish sometimes though that we could do things together like parties and day trips with others  but its never his thing. Its so hard watching your fella suffering to then try to enjoy yourself so I've learnt to appreciate other things instead and this seems to work well. I adore St Ives but to go in July could be horrendous - so we went on Christmas Day! It was wonderful we found a pub with a fire and had hot chocolate together, then afterwards we walked down to the beach and took hundreds of photos before heading to find seals. This is the type of pleasure I've grown to enjoy and all the rocks we have collected together have special memories. I soon forgot how cold I was or the fact my arthritis was terrible I just remember how much fun we had writing vast swear words in the sand.

For every negative I find I can find at least two positives and that fact keeps me going and I love the fact he is so knowledgable about things - I don't however appreciate the fact he argues with documentaries on the tv - that is a bit annoying, plus how when watching documentaries he says things two minutes before the narrator does!!! That really is annoying but that's something else I've got used to over the years. Don't all marriages need work, compromise and unselfish attitudes? It's no different with us really, I just need a regular top up of counselling every few years and some great friends as well.

My Twitter feed and followers have also really has helped the last couple of year. Through twitter I have chatted to other like minded people when I've been particularly down and depressed - there is always a friend to confide in. I call them all my 'little best friends who live in my iPhone' and some I really hope to actually meet some day. It's nice that if I don't tweet for a while people will actually check I am ok or to give me a 'shout' which basically tells all their followers to follow me. Many times I've considered dumping FB but not twitter, maybe a break now and again but never totally as I'm sure I would have gone mad without it.

Well we are back we settled on a local Carvery in the end. The pub was extremely busy but we got seated quickly. Jon was very uncomfortable in there, even shaking, but we managed to stay and I am now stuffed full of roast. It means a lot to me when we do go out because he obviously would rather not so we don't often venture out. Now and again we do - its a two way relationship - I don't do a lot because of his reactions to being with people but sometimes he does stuff he hates to please me - plus the food was great. Now I'm sitting looking at circuit diagrams making sure he solders the power supply up right - never boring.......

You know I never feel totally alone any more either, again that's thanks to twitter. it would be easy to just rely on these people for company but I feel it's time for me to branch out and do other things now. This could be a possible college course, the subject doesn't matter it's the going and doing that will. I will get some books tomorrow and see what's on offer - maybe I will do a technical history of German army WW2 vehicles - then that would be two of us making model tanks and spilling glue.........

No I don't think so either haha x

        

iPads and Bagpipes

Jon and I got our iPads roughly at the same time. I filled mine with games and the usual social groups twitter Facebook - as well as blogger so I could do this and talk to you. I  also have the usual emails and browsers etc. Not very interesting eh? Jons on the other hand has the equivalent of an 'activity centre for men' imposed on it - it flashes beeps and whirrs? He has more music making' synths software on there than Rick Wakeman and all of it makes every single sound you could ever want or need-  if programmed correctly including bagpipes!?! Unfortunately he has only managed so far to make one sound from them - it sounds like a cat being strangled! He wanders around the house grinning making the most dreadful noise and despite politely asking him to "shut up" he is still making it now. I may have to resort to hiding it or me! I did that years ago when my oldest proudly bought home a recorder that the school had given her, I lasted two days - then I hid it, luckily she didn't mind to much and all was forgotten so she practiced her notes on a ruler in class (just as I did as a child) - haha

I'm glad I've had today off the house looks a bit tidier and I've done loads on line that I needed to do and the good news is...

My friends monkey business will continue in her honour but will be renamed after her which made me cry again. I am amazed to see how much people loved her and will miss her greatly, that's something to be proud of in my book. So if you are on face book go to 'Matilda Camper Monkeys' and sock companions' and hit 'like' just for me. She was such a brave lady and she really did love making the little fellas,in her final months, it would be great to spread the word for her. I've got loads of them round the house and they are very very cute.

Jon returned this week from a trip to Cambridge - he was obviously 'away' from me and Horace. I missed him but if I am honest I really enjoyed being the centre of attention from the cat! Once he is back it always changes and the 'bromance' continues, everywhere Jon goes - Horace follows. I wake in the mornings and I find Horace snuggled into Jon and its a little galling to say the least. Yes Mr Horace, if you are listening - you only live in our house because I insisted, because I nagged for years and finally just went and chose you. This, with hindsight was possibly the bravest thing I've done as it could have gone so horribly wrong. But since his tiny paws crossed our threshold he has been Jons right hand pal - where there used to be photos of me there are now photos of Horace on his phone and his Facebook timeline is littered with them all with extra galling 'multiple' likes....

Jon never had any 'manageable' pets as a child other than angry gerbils and a 'corky the cat balloon' that was his friend but I will only become hysterical if I talk about that!... I think every kid should have a cat or a dog - it's part of growing up isn't it? Coming home from school and begging for a puppy, claiming you will walk it, feed it and clear up its poo as you are the ONLY kid in the whole school who hasn't got one sounds funny now but I used to lay in bed praying I would wake up and find a puppy downstairs. We did have cats but I wanted a dog !!! 

I still want one! I'm let's say a lot older but I'm still wanting one - only this time I'm considering my availability due to work, my painful hips, Jonathan's piles of books, mags etc. I got as far as buying a 'how to book' but not the dog (well yet) I don't want to wait until I'm retired to get one as by then I suspect I won't be able to walk it or myself for that matter?

Today is his 'aspie' people free day -  he has to have at least one as he finds all the noise and stress of other dealing with folk over whelming- so it's just the three of us and the TV and the ever present 'stamping elephants' who roam next door of course. I used to resent these days as I wanted to shop or eat out as I enjoy doing things like that but now I treasure these days as much as he does.

Today has been a good day x

Plastic Models and Captain Slow

Work or Play where's better? 

When you reach the stage you neither feel comfortable at home or a work what do you do? Neither place fills me with a desire to spent inordinate amounts of time there. At home I have the continual stamping of the baby elephants that live next door and the stress of what ever emergency Jonathan is solving or causing depending on the situation. Whilst at work I feel I am continually being reminded of my fibromyalgia and my short comings in the brain department - all of this has taken its toll on me this week. I therefore have a few days to try to relax and to give my body a bloody good talking to. My body is not my friend, it shakes and it hurts as well as resembling candle wax in places (not a good look). But can live with that, a pair of leggings or skinny jeans can hide a a multitude of sins and chuck a pair of heels on and I appear to loose a stone virtually instantly. My problem is the pain, the tiring dull ache that refuses to leave me, the pain in my shoulders that feels like someone has ripped my arms off plus the horrible sense of dread I live with constantly. I do not understand why but the fear will not leave me, I suspect it's down to my meds but I don't like it and now I've said it out loud hopefully it will die down.

Jon has returned from Cambridge this week with his official diagnosis of Aspergers, we knew anyway but an official test had to be completed and he is now wearing his title with pride and why shouldn't he? its the Aspergers that has enabled him to become the success he is and the obsessions that have shaped him into the man he is - not to mention filling up two bedrooms and a dining room. I blame James May or captain Slow as he is affectionately called on Top Gear, a while ago he did a few program's about toys - trains, Lego etc and he did one on 'airfix' kits. This in turn reminded my dear husband just how much he loved doing them so he decided to start again with German tanks and off to the shop we went after at least an hour his first kit was purchased. He rushed home all excited and built it within a few hours - he doesn't need the instructions as he can just tell where all the bits go - it's a shame he can't do that with DIY but never mind. Many times i had to get up as precious parts flew through the air to disappear behind the sofa..... Yep you guessed it I now have a house full of plastic German tanks all lined up ready to be built painted and displayed some where? but not here , Please...Some of the soldiers he has hidden around the house - one of which was stuck to our freezer door for months. Why he can't have one and then build it before painting it goodness only knows but he must have over a hundred. Then there is the model railway gun 4 foot long replete with trains and planes he also has - all to be built - some already started. So Mr May are you happy now? We have glue, kits, reference books, magazines, DVDs, paints, tiny screwdrivers bits of metal and ice cream tubs full of goodies all over the house..... I've always preferred Richard Hammond anyway especially now!!! 

I really do need a safe haven a place where I can go and relax, a place where I can totally switch off from everything or maybe I could just turn every thing around me off instead. I could then use this time to catch up with my house work, maybe have a holiday before returning home to turn everything back on again so the usual manic chaos can resume because I'm sure I would miss it really and what would I write about? 

I'd never be bored though as I would have all these model kits to complete but I would paint them all pink I'd have to have the last laugh.....

And I would send the first to Captain Slow with lots of glitter ......