Arguing with my Aspie Husband

 

Sticks and Stones version 2 

 

How many times have we had a really angry fight with someone, called them all sorts of names only to collapse on the floor in hysterics? How many times have we sat at work constantly checking our mobiles for the apology text, positive we are not going to cave in first!. 

I hate arguing, really I do......as a kid my mother would always sense 'one brewing' often picking a fight in order to 'clear the air' and it nearly always would involve a furious argument but there would be all smiles again by tea time. Personally I think there's a lot of people out there who bite their tongues so often they have teeth marks in them and the nasty feelings build up to the extent that they have to come out at all at once, often in a torrent so strong it is frightening for both them and the recipient. However this is done its never pleasant. I remember one particular argument with my first husband which involved a cup of tea. I was not speaking to him at the time but I made it none the less and instantly tipped it down the sink refusing to give it to him. This resulted on the following day in a blank piece of paper with no words as he was not speaking to me either, normally I would have received a daily note.

We often behave like children, often reacting badly to stress and those outside influences that affect us and therefore take them home to the people we love. I hate feeling that any little thing could trigger a fierce row, the egg shell walking and avoidance strategies I have learnt to use over the years. I miss the mad passion that happens afterwards, the apology flowers, the chocolates and the cries of ‘I will try harder’  and 'I can only do my best' - we cannot do more than that. I am not perfect, nor do I always behave perfectly but I love and have feelings for people and things. I also have a sense of humour, which I am relying on 'more n more' and now thanks to this blog i have an avenue to express myself ….

And I can still count to 10 ..............

 

Pain and other Issues

The Problem with Pain

 

We all feel pain, some of us more than others but pain varies from person to person and depends on many things. Some people can experience terrible things and manage to carry out their day to day routines as if nothing is wrong. They keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ whilst displaying a calm teflon exterior which cannot be penetrated under any circumstances. Then there is the other type of person who breaks a finger nail and screams like a baby for hours, only feeling better once they are totally submerged in self-pity and the large dose of attention the screaming has resulted in for them. There are all types of person and all types of pain and we have all stood on the lone Lego brick hiding in the rug, or the toe stubbing incident which resulted in the unleashing of swear words some of which were previously unknown. This type of pain is short and sharp and luckily disappears as fast as it appeared.

 

Then there is 'chronic bad pain' - this type of pain is continual by nature and never leaves you. It may be worse one day than another but it never goes and your body is supposed to get used to it. Slowly you become adapted to a new life of taking pain killers, resting and the prospect of a life somewhat different from the one you had before. You can either accept this or fight it, either way the effect this has is horrendous. Suddenly every single day becomes a challenge, the endless choices of how to use your energy and the repercussions of these choices is personal and I often find myself sacrificing an entire week if a particular family event is considered to be worth it.

 

I work and I work hard, the nature of my job means I have to concentrate, remember a lot of information. Some of this information only remains in my brain because I have done that particular task so often it becomes second nature, I do however react badly to change and new things. I have had to learn new processes, new systems and meet new staff members all of which cause me untold problems. I take pain killers but often the side effects of this is more horrendous than the pain and certainly more unsociable. Rushing to the loo can be extremely embarrassing when in a room full of people plus the after effects for some unfortunate soul is also wanting the loo after you as they scan the office looking for the culprit of the offending odour. 

Now please don’t sit and say ‘oh please’ this has happened to all of us ..

 

I am by nature an upbeat type of person, always available for a giggle or a practical joke and I have at times had the office in stitches. I am lucky that my work colleges are so supportive and they totally understand my condition but this has not always been the case. I am very grateful for there support I simply could not function without it. Please try to remember that not all disabilities are visible, mine isn’t. I try to manage and I have a blue badge to help me so I often use disabled parking spaces as mobility is difficult and the looks with nasty comments from people are hurtful. These comments, in actual fact are often from other disabled people who believe because all my limbs are still attached I must be fine!  We have history of inconsiderate neighbours who park so close to my car it’s impossible to drive away without some unnecessary ‘too’ing and fro’ing’. 

If people were less quick to judge each other, my life would be so much easier and if people learnt that not everything has to be completed yesterday I’m sure their lives would be nicer too.

 

 

 

you are too normal ....

July 2015

You are too normal you are ! 

If you tell a child often enough they wont amount to much they will grow up believing it.

This statement is true totally 100% true, that's why some of the comments I have received about this blog have surprised me. I was told this week I had inspired someone to write. This came as a shock because I wasn't even sure I was writing myself... so far all I have done is bare my soul. 

This I have managed to do because you are all anonymous. This blog isn't advertised on my FaceBook account and the majority of my followers on Twitter are photos and user names. Whilst I share my life's up and downs with the world I can continue with my invisibility and with that invisibility comes safety. 

All my life I have tried to live up to other people's expectations and have always felt I had failed. My parents never appeared to be pleased with any thing I did nor did my first husband for that matter and I am always surrounded by more intelligent/prettier/nicer people than myself or so it often  seems - therefore writing this blog has given me an avenue to express myself and much to my pleasure I am finding people have enjoyed reading it! This is good and better than any of the many counselling sessions I have completed.

To remove someone's self worth is one of the worst things you can do and I am now in the process of finding mine all over again. Please don't pity me or think I'm digging for compliments I'm not, all I want is to feel I've accomplished something and that includes making people laugh. 

It dawned on me today that the first 20 years of my life I tried so hard to look older and the rest trying just as hard to look younger. Life isn't the fun packed adventure I bought into as a child and to be honest I was miss-sold it! Once you become a grown up and you loose your sparkle it becomes harder to justify what you have done and what you would like to do with the time remaining. This bothers me lots and we will probably talk about this at some point but at the moment I'm feeling pretty cheated and I'm hoping in years to come I could maybe ask for a refund just as the PPI scandal has since come to light now...

I was told this morning I was too normal? I am still unsure if this was a compliment or an insult, or for that matter what normal actually means but for now I'm going along with it......