Is it Friday yet??? .....

I am writing this with one eye half closed and the other propped up with a matchstick. Running on empty is the correct terminology I believe. I absolutely love my new job and I begin another round of training next week, it is better than all at once I think as my poor old brain cannot cope with too much in one go. I am starting to remember people’s names as well - this is always a bonus especially when I am calling them across the office - its embarrassing but yes I have done that!. The only drawback is the trains, I know I said I would drive but I chickened out at the last minute - when I leave the house I am not awake therefore I consider myself a danger to other road users and at least on the train I can doze a while longer. In actual fact I am getting an earlier train now and even though it gets me to work at stupid o clock it works out better as it is less busy, this I prefer as I still hate some other commuters with a passion. Especially mouth breathers who breathe all their germs all over you whilst you try and sink into the seat and become invisible as I do every morning. On the train back I actually do not care I am so glad to be homeward bound I would gladly whip my top off if it meant getting a window seat.

I am actually a little upset - as I hold a disabled rail card this entitles me to a seat with a little bit more leg room as with my bad hip I need it but there is always people sat in them already as most seem to prefer the extra leg room. On top of each seat is a notice that states if a disabled person asks you to need to move but I am often too scared to ask anyone so every journey I sit in agony - stupid yes but I cannot be the only one -  people are so unpredictable so I am sensible.... aren’t I? One day I will pluck up the courage but it’s really difficult - again because I look relatively normal with a hidden disability but it is frustrating never the less. 

On the subject on frustrating let me tell you about Jon and the fact he has warn himself out completely working virtually nonstop for the last few years. His obsession is his work and he will never change, I have nagged him relentlessly for such a long time but he refuses to listen to me and continues on. Its the one side of aspergers i don't like - the obsessive driveness. Whilst he is improving and promoting his image art wise he is not doing anything promote his image with me! I have grown used to this but I do often long for a long weekend away that doesn’t involve trudging around a field planting book flags or standing on a remote beach somewhere blue with cold whilst he lays down flat in the mud staring endlessly at rocks and tiny fossils. (Who by the way are his friends!) Is it so wrong that I desperately miss the social side of other people, the buzz and the rush I used to get from getting ready to go out to a club or pub, and the hangover afterwards. It kind of feels like my life is slipping away from me and I am wasting the time - either too tired to do anything or upset because Jonathan is having to keep working. If and when I breach the subject with him I risk his temper and that is not pleasant because he fights his corner when he sees things as necessary. So finally He has reached a point this week when the nonstop stress and work caught up with him and rendered him 'standstillable' unwell so a forced few days rest were ordered but I don’t think It will make any difference and in a few weeks he will be back to normal. Therefore maybe I need to advertise for a companion as they sometimes do, that sounds terribly old though......

Last weekend my youngest introduced us to her latest who we both like - I am unsure if I should tell her though if I do it may be the kiss of death for their relationship as it is possible she may decide she doesn’t like him just because I do, honestly!!! She would ... kids can be so confusing and contrary. Before they came to visit I nipped out to buy a 'cutty cake', just something to offer with tea so he didn’t think we were unsociable. I realise he would probably have preferred butties & larger but I felt tea and cake was more civilised, I didn’t want him to think badly of us. So I headed off to Morrisons to choose a nice cake and to possibly get some flowers as well. When I got there a lot of products had been reduced including all the fresh cream cakes so that was an easy decision. There was about twelve boxes left and I picked up a box and I was just about to get another when this enormous woman almost killed me to get to the fridge - she lifted up the remaining boxes and put them ALL into her trolley and trotted off!! I was stunned as to her rudeness and the fact she had picked them all up so incensed with rage And on a mission I followed her silently - I was like an assassin slowly creeping up behind her - in for the kill - whilst I waited for her to stop and turn her back. When we got as far as the cat litter - that was actually on offer - she turned and stopped so I swooped and lifted a box clean off the top of the  pile that she had greedily stashed away in her trolley. I marched off elated grinning from ear to ear with my ill gotten gains - YES - I felt good - I had pinched them from her .... I hurried to the checkout to pay and I was away out of there still smiling. I felt I had done my good deed for the day - she didn’t need all of those cakes anyway and I was there first. Once I returned home I roared with laughter as the conversations turned to me and all the jokes about why she had all of them in the first place but I still felt good. Even Jon approved too........

I’ve had a heavy head cold this week which has laid me low so I have not managed to tweet a lot and this has made me a bit sad I have some lovely followers and to ignore them is rude so I am actually considering a twitter break. The fact that I am out of the house working so much now and when I am home I am shattered all adds to the realisation that possibly a week away from it totally will allow me a breathing space - away from the worry of whether I do or do not reply to direct tweets or lovely comments.  I enjoy it enormously and have done for a long time but just occasionally it can become intrusive so if I vanish from your follower list don’t worry I will be back and you guys will know why in advance. I have not totally decided yet I am still thinking but I am considering. 

Anyway this evening I am off to see Cats with youngest so I’m a little excited, I’ve never actually wanted to see it but she does so we are going but to be honest Id rather spend the night with my own cat at home, poor Horace I miss him during the day now .............

It’s been a good week well so far at least ....................

A busy week ........phew not used to it yet

Apologies for the lack of blogidge of the last couple of weeks but those of you who do read this 'between the lines' will realise that I have started my new full time job, so time is pretty scarce at the moment to say the least.

My job is really good, I've begun to make friends and I seem to have the same sense of humour as the rest of the guys so that's a bonus. I work weekdays 9/5 which is great after YEARS of late's weekends etc so I'm pleased to now be able to book anything I like in for an evening without having to check first. That's the plus side the negatives are after spending the last couple of years working a lot less hours it is suddenly really hard to jump up to full time. That and the house work seem to wipe me out to the point of tears but this is something that with time I will get used to but it seems a long way off at the moment. My fibro is really kicking off but I'm determined to work through it until it becomes normal and my aches pains and tiredness calm down. I've found very little time for twitter and I've not had the energy to be very sociable - either such a change for me.

I have over the last two weeks also been using the train all I can say is OMG - I now know why I learnt to drive. People do not seem to have any idea of what a quiet carriage is nor the meaning of personal space. The other morning a woman sat under the quiet sign and typed for nearly an hour, no problem in that - no - but her keyboard miaowed every time she hit a letter! After 10mins I wanted to rip her head off! I've had to put up with noisy headphones, mobile phones, boring conversations, coughing, sneezing, nose picking and a daft old woman who didn't smell to clever greeting everybody who entered our carriage with the expression of 'its a bit blowy out there'. That and the feeling of nausea that creeps over me when I smell the unwashed or the over sprayed woman waft over me. On one journey in the bloke next to me gelled his hair, sprayed his pits and ate his breakfast!! I kid you not .

I hate the train. I hate everything about it, the cost, the time tables, the passengers and the endless stops - when all I want to do is climb in the bath and wash that unclean feeling away. By the time I get home I'm a nervous wreck, stressed to the eyeballs and over tired. So next week I'm going to drive in. At least if I do I will no longer have to get to the station in double quick time or wait nearly 30mins. I am expecting to sit in traffic and to curse other road users but I will have my iPod and no other passengers so I'm sure it will be better. So car full up and route planned.

On Friday after work I came home full of dread knowing that the house needed a bit of attention as I'd avoided it all week. I set to it a room at a time strangely empowered by the feeling of a weekend at home I finished including two loads of washing at about 8pm and decided to pause for tea then after catching up on a few emails at about 10pm I went shopping! Never before have I gone so late but I was amazed as to how much better it is no people in my way. No fighting in the isles and straight through the checkout I will be doing that again. I really hate the way I have to go every week or do on line. I've got friends who sit at work grinning and filling in a form whilst working on their PC but frankly no that's not for me. I like to choose the dates I buy and not have substitutes added that I would never usually look twice at.

Jon has had an exciting week this week with the performance last evening of his work he has been doing with Prof Simon Baron Cohen at Cambridge - revaluing Autistic thinking project - 'Aspergers' mixed with modular synthesisers - reams of blog and poetry, wires, wood the lot  - our house resembled a base camp at the foot of Everest with all the bags and metal boxes brought home ready to move - all of which proved to be a job and a half transporting to London to 'The Arts Catalyst' but mission accomplished as they say and he was back at 1am in a taxi - I for one am relieved its all over until the next time I suppose.

I took a trip to the theatre with my daughters to see Pricilla wow what a show really enjoyed it so funny and the songs were great even the audience were dressed in feather boas. Honestly if you get the opportunity go its a brilliant day out and you will love it. We are doing 'Cats' this week not sure about this one it was her idea but its a night out and I need a bit of fun. I've started another run of counselling just to come to terms with a few things its all so clinical and they don't hold all the answers nor unfortunately do the words 'isy wissy let's get busy' work either but if it helps me in the long run its gotta be good. Its good to have a label as to why you hurt and it enables you to get the correct medication but the realities of life is often something that we occasionally need help accepting and that's what I need help with as its not always easy trying to appear normal .... What ever normal is ....
Who wants to be normal anyway ....