Well the time has flown by and it seems months since I last posted - in fact I’ve not tweeted much either. I guess i have not been my usual self and have been very miserable indeed. Not in an absolutely unhappy way but just not-sociable and kind of 'out of sorts' way. I am slowly turning into a mad mix of my parents and 'himself' and I am not impressed by this realisation and have decided to do something about it now before it’s too late. If I start drinking horlicks and buying slippers whilst sat under a blanket then I will give myself a good talking to I promise and himself will probably comment way before then so I'm safe. It’s not that I don’t like my parents but I am not ready to turn into a mirror image just yet and as for unsociable I like and mostly understand people - we at least 1000% more than Jon does. I can choose he can't.......
This week has been hard, in-fact the last month has been possibly one of the hardest in the history of me. I have wrestled with the mentality of some people and the constant struggle to just continue with day to day normality has been horrendous. I have tried so hard to remain calm and unstressed but I have failed miserably on many levels. Jonathan has also had his own battles mainly with the inconsistencies of others and the vast promises they make him time and time again only to leave him totally unsupported when a few months down the line the grass appears greener somewhere else. This he finds unforgivable and the effect this has on him and ultimately me is catastrophic. This disappointment he feels in people is not an over exaggerated statement either and each time this happens the effects linger for longer between us never totally forgotten. I worry so much about this and I hope each time will be the last but it never is and to be honest I’m tired too with the DLA battles we have both faced. Mind you his trips to Cambridge seem to bring treasure - they understand him - well they flipping well should and see the hidden in him. But I no longer rush to NEXT and spend a fortune trying to comfort myself with new shoes, tops and hand bags nor do I spend money on endless bottles of nail varnish but it does create a hole that never seems to fill itself. I do buy things but not on the level I have previously that’s a fools game and after the novelty of a shiny new bag has worn off the worry of the credit card bill is far more worrying. So what’s a girl to do? How can I distress when most of the time I am either sat at my desk at work or sat in my car on the motorway? Mega yawn - home tea bed work home bed its a groundhog day reeeeeppppeeeat......without the cute furry animal or comedy.
Still I have rediscovered 80s rock that’s how - it’s so much fun driving my little car whilst singing loudly along to the likes of Whitesnake, Meatloaf, ACDC, Motorhead etc Its blooming hilarious. The looks I have received are legendary and I love it! music was so much better then, now I know that is probably not something I should say for fear of sounding old but it was!! Honestly I remember dressing up in black leather and climbing onto the back of a motor bike (waiting till we were at the end of our road of course otherwise if spotted my dad would have gone mad) and zooming off into the sunset hair streaming in the wind. Well in reality it wasn’t as exciting more often or not I was cold, bum ache like you wouldn’t believe and hair that was totally horrendous for days afterwards more often than not when we got to our chosen destination I could hardly move. Thanks to dear old fibromyalgia that bit has never changed. I used to long for a fella with a car so I could wear skirts and heels and arrive with hair that was shiny and silky with un-smudged make up and no dead flies on my jacket but that didn’t happen until many years later. Now ironically I miss it - the thrill of the bend, the roar of the engine, the closeness of being pillion snuggled into the small of someone’s back and the speed! But I am afraid these days it is not possible for me to climb on one never mind hold tight as the speedo hits the ton. Mind you if the hamster turned up I may fling the walking stick and ................
I wish I had concentrated at school, I wish I knew things ... I mean real stuff not who is going out with who and which store sells the best low rise ankle boots for this season. Like himself always full of those annoying little facts - saying things before the TV does - but he wouldn't be him if he didn't! Brains never seemed to come my way - I can remember my mum screaming at me out of pure frustration whilst trying to teach me to tell the time. My sister was always the clever one and I really would like to be able to understand half the stuff that drones out of the radio that Jon insists on listening to for hours every week. I haven’t the energy to enrol in a night class or open university course and my job takes the majority of my energy but it would be great to impress people with my knowledge of a subject as opposed to my humour which people always seem to appreciate. Don’t get me wrong it’s not with self pity I write this but just occasionally I get frustrated with myself.
I found out only a few months ago I am dyspraxic this has answered so many questions from my past. It explains why It took me so long to learn to drive - why when I did the steering was so difficult and why 'I can’t dance' but that sounds like a Genesis song when music was good.........
It's been a long long week
No comments:
Post a Comment