Steak and kidney pie

What a whirl wind few days it has been! New people, new computer system and lovely new hot chocolate that's the best bit by far. I have found the last few days slightly easier as the sun has such a positive effect not only on mood but pain levels as well. I expect one day I may want  to move abroad as a warmer climate really does make arthritis better not completely obviously but noticeably easier. 

The only thing that I am struggling with is a lack of tweetage - I miss tweeting and answering tweets! It's amazing how much actually - I miss my twit family and the support they provide. In the evenings I have house work and home work and a marriage as well for that matter. Also daughters and a cat - all wanting attention and time and all deserving of it too. But my energy supply is drained completely and to be honest I just want to climb into bed pull the duvet over my head and stop there - maybe until Christmas but I suspect I would be missed eventually and who would do the shopping? 

I had also considered not doing this blog anymore, I worried about how much to say - what to say etc, but after a lot of thought and some positive comments from readers I have decided to continue for now at least. In fact the positive comments were so lovely and so well timed because I have really been feeling my age this week plus about 50! Don't get me wrong, I'm not old by any strength of the imagination but when you are sat in training with youngsters who were born with a play station controller in their little chubby little hands I'm positively ancient. I am not stupid nor am I computer illiterate but I can struggle with the internal systems some companies use. Unfortunately sitting and asking the computer nicely as to where a certain bit of information is hiding doesn't work - mores the pity and trust me I have asked and pleaded this week. It seems passwords change themselves and the whole thing ends up being a bit of a nightmare. Eventually it will become second nature but I hope it will be before I get my free bus pass and my cold weather payment from the government.

Jonathan has had a few busy weeks as well and the stress of worrying about me has also taken its toll.- The air has been pretty blue I can tell you on quite a few occasions due to my patience wearing very thin but on the positive side its not as blue as when I decorate though that is very blue indeed. Shall I tell you more? 

I once had a meat pie thrown at me! It's really funny now but at the time I was very distressed - I had spent the whole day painting with sweat running down my face in a shower cap and a very old shirt. Jon had been at work and when he came home - being the perfectionist he is - decided to point out a 'run' to me. I dealt with that calmly but then he proceeded to remind me the brush strokes need to be all in the same direction! I'm afraid I saw red at that point and called him a few choice names - I was very angry indeed. Jon didn't appreciate my fragrant language much and threw his steak and kidney pie at me! He said he was off + he left his keys on the side and went out. I actually felt glad for all of five mins as I was really fuming then he was back after fifteen mins declaring he was cold. I had to laugh as its impossible to stay angry with him even when he makes my blood boil - it is often soon extinguished usually with him offering 'perfect' cups of tea.

In our new house I painted every ceiling and wallpapered every wall. I worked tirelessly for months starting early in the morning until very late in the evenings. I drove car loads of furniture on each visit whilst dealing with packing and all the other problems moving can bring. I work better under pressure and enjoyed the feeling of collapsing, totally shattered at the end of the day. I would sit staring at my newly decorated wall or ceiling with the euphoric feeling of 'I did that' in comparison to the same exhaustion I experience now just from doing a days work in the office whilst additionally feeling 'Blimey that needs painting'

One day I will do it but not today 

Because its been a long day x

Not enough spoons

This week has been one of very mixed emotions, I've had the excitement of starting my  new job mixed with the exhaustion of much longer hours. The funeral of my very dear friend and the frustration of being unable to have said goodbye. This has all unfortunately magnified my fibromyalgia symptoms and I feel totally wiped out. The house hasn't seen a duster all week, the fridge is empty and and poor Horace has been on his own a lot more than I would like. The positive side is I've not had any panic attacks and my new work buddies are lovely.

Jonathan got the full shift of my temper this morning because I hadn't parked square on in the parking space and it resulted in me nearly exploding with rage. We had the locking windows and door routine first and I had 10 mins to get into work before I got into trouble. I really didn't need it and to me it really wasn't necessary but I suspect to Jon it was a matter of great importance but I really couldn't deal with it today. I spent my morning trying so hard to listen afterwards but I kept being distracted by visions of Jonathan and the fact I had been so dreadful. Now don't get me wrong he would try anyone of you! but I shouldn't of snapped - its not his fault,

It's easy to say I will try harder or I will be more patient tomorrow, all of this to be honest I struggled with before but since my fibro diagnosis I have REALLY struggled. Its called the spoon theory apparently and the idea is you begin each day with a number of spoons. Each time you have something you must do - it costs you a spoon i.e. you learn to ration your spoons very quickly as once they have all gone that's it, well at the moment I'm used up until about bonfire night!! This isn't good at all I must learn to slow down and if I could grow to prefer an untidy house I'd be made up......

Fibro is such a dreadful thing, you can't talk about it - not really, people don't want to know oh, they make all the right noises to start with. You then get told to 'bore off' after a few weeks, so you smile and don't say a word when every muscle in your body is screaming in pain. Your head is always pounding and all you want to do is to crawl back into bed but even doing that is painful. I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me at all but if I can gain one thing from bearing my soul it would be you don't have to look disabled to be disabled. I may have the right number of arms and legs but I am registered as disabled and I won't get better. I will have bad days and not so bad days but I will try to continue normally for as long as I can and I will travel! I long to travel whilst I'm young enough to really enjoy it.

On a lighter note Jon has volunteered to help me with the shopping tomorrow 

I can't wait.........

More over the weekend I'm tired today

It's been a sad day x 

Flat Earth and Flat Eric

I want to firstly sit back and breathe in calmly after what has been a rather hectic week. From this point last week when I frantically searched the 'wonder web' for a new job to today when I've got one starting Monday is a bit of a blur. I have been having chest pains for a while and under doctors advice I decided it was time to call it quits - so I didn't go back to my old role after taking a break. I feel relieved and a little excited as a new one brings challenges but I know I have made the right decision. I took the car in for its MOT as well on Monday and yesterday picked up a new(er) one so as you can see I've been busy. All the paper work that goes with buying a new car is ridiculous, that and dealing with 2 HR depts has made for an interesting few days I can tell you- that and the constant request for information, bank account details and dates has put me off doing this again for the foreseeable I can tell you.....

I spent a very worrying time last night as my youngest daughter who has only just passed her driving test drove all the way to Wales after work yesterday at 10pm - she is braver than I am. I drove to Bristol with Jon once and hated it - Bristol has so many roundabouts!! We spent the trip arguing and swearing and I ended up on the motorway to Wales when in fact we needed to beheading to the entrance to the Travel lodge in Bristol the other way It seems funny now but it was bloody stressful at the time Jon was so angry he didn't speak to me for hours - he said don't go that way whatever you do and I did......

The sun is shining today it really does help brighten up my mood, it defiantly improves my pain. I'm feeling a bit more positive for once, in fact the only upsetting thing is the last conversation I had with Amanda was that - I hated my job. We laughed about it, she told me to get another and that I would feel better once I had. Now I have and i am pleased but because of this I can't go to her funeral as it's in my first week - therefore its not acceptable to ask as I will be in training. I know Amanda wouldn't mind, in fact she would probably laugh but its upset me quite a lot as really - I should go, i want to go, mainly to say goodbye. Jonathan offered to go on my behalf, this moved me more than I can say as its a big thing for anybody to do but for Jon and his Aspieness its mega hard - I declined his offer but it was unknowingly sweet of him.

Today we went for our first walk along the sea front in the sun this year. This brought in itself a series of challenges including unruly children on scooters, teenagers and a group of rather drunken men who given a guitar seem to suddenly think they could sing. We walked into the park, found a bench tucked away from the crowd, listened, and laughed like idiots as they murdered everything from the Beatles to Blur. Some of the words were missing and some were incorrect but every note was slightly flat - very funny indeed. 

Talking about 'Flat' leads me on to our little friend - Flat Eric - do you remember him? I  will pop a picture on for you if I can work how to do it. He was part of a Levi's campaign I think years ago with 'sound track song' and Jon loves him. We went through a stage of buying one at every boot sale/shop we saw them in - we must have 20, all lined up on shelves in our house. We have all sizes from the tiny ones to the bigger sized ones. We even had one in the car and Jon stitched two sticks to its arms, one hands fingers into a 'V' sign and a fag on the one hand. When ever we went out driving he would have the stereo up with the proper music and make this Eric smoke whilst he sat him hanging 'lounging' out the window head banging to the beat - just as in the advert. The effect this used to have on other car drivers, pedestrians and passengers was very funny. Often they would initially point and laugh, hoot their horns or shout out - it really did cheer people up. Once we were driving home on the motorway and in the car in front were two little dogs. Well we followed them for miles making them bark with the Eric popping up and pointing. It was very funny as every time they stopped and settled down Jon would wave at them and they would go frantic, pure genius.  it was not dangerous of course but very funny, sometimes he has a lot of bottle and mischief. miss him actually doing this - maybe this summer we will start again as when he was doing that he ignored the speedo haha. Someone once asked why we had so many? "because they have different personalities " was the reply and how can you argue with that .......

Well I'm sorry I've not written as much this week but I hope to write a couple of times each week-  funny stuff and then again I will want to let you know how I get on with the job won't  I.

Today has been a good day x

 Some of our little Eric's .............

Productive Day

Well I'm here again, smiling much and very relieved. I really have made some decisions over the last couple of days including buying a new car. I have also decided to accept a new chapter in my life with open arms. So much time is spent at work and if you are not happy it's not productive nor beneficial - so I'm off to a new adventure and incidentally my fibro pain has lifted slightly since I made the decision. Jon is pleased for me and life on Walton's mountain is better. I have an unexpected few days off which I Intend to use wisely and some of which I will use to talk to you. I also intend to rest, well I intend to - Jon may well have other ideas...  Lets hope not 

I was laughing today as I was telling a friend about an incident that happened to me years ago at the theatre. I had gone into the ladies during the performance and the first cubicle was filthy mess up the walls etc so I shuddered and entered the second cubicle. Later I was at the sink washing my hands when an elderly lady walked into the area. She in turn walked into the first cubicle and muttered something under her breath. As she walked out she faced me and I announced very loudly "I just did that" she looked at me horrified and entered the second cubicle. Later on I realised she must of assumed I was bragging and had made all the mess! I really was horrified and I spent the rest of the performance with my collar up and slumped in my seat - it still makes me laugh. She must have told her friends I was a right dirty cow hehe.

Jon has an invite to show work in America so that's very exciting - so things appear to be looking up for us both. All we need now is for the elephants next door to quieten or a nice less vocal family to move in, but we are not counting are chickens just yet. It doesn't pay to do to much chicken counting from what I've learnt - it's a recipe for something else to happen and after the terrible scenes on the TV last evening from Boston and of course the big funeral tomorrow lets hope it all remains trouble free. 

I take delivery of my new car on Friday I hope it smells nice and the engine has a constant regular rhythm and pattern or we may well be taking it back but luckily the garage knows us and understands if I say 'he' says after one trip it doesn't 'taste right' - I don't mean he's  eaten some of it.....it's well -  'aspie' business 

Short blog tonight as I have had so much excitement I've warn myself out....

It's been a busy day x

Cat House (true story but gruesome) you have been warned

When Jon and I first got together years before we bought our own home we lived in temporary council property. We had 5 kids between us and things weren't easy to say the least eventually after begging our local councillor we were told there was a property available but it did need a good clean. We decided to go and view it despite the council woman telling us no keys were yet available. When we got there I was heart broken it was such a massive step down for myself as I had owned my own home for many years but we knew it was not for long and that we would be on the property ladder again as soon as we were able to. The area was shocking and it was in a really bad state, but it was a house with a garden and we did have kids so we reluctantly agreed to take it on. When we went to sign for it our housing officer we will call her Debra, told us that she had agreed to give us a budget of £50 towards bleach as the house had a dreadful smell but as I said we were desperate .....

I remember the day like it was yesterday the sun was warm and had heated the house accordingly. Thus had the unfortunate effect of making the smell unbearable but I set to work. All the skirting was scrubbed, as were the walls, floors and doors in fact every thing got the same treatment but the smell was still there. It was 'cat wee' really strong and it was horrid we decided the only thing we could do was to sand all the floors as we were convinced it was just a couple of pets that had not been house trained correctly.

We had a 50p slot meter for the electric many years after they had been replaced and the electric company told us they had not had access to the property since the 70s! We had no heating and the windows were all rotten. I became very distressed and a visit was arranged with a surveyor. Now I've worked every day since I left school I've never claimed anything but this chap had decided we were scrounges and he obviously did not want to do anything but he reluctantly agreed that work was to be done urgently. He agreed we could have a new bathroom and kitchen and a chippy to sort out the woodwork and the whole house was to be treated for dry rot - also all the windows were to be replaced and central heating needed to be installed. Nobody had had access to the property for the best part of 30yrs so you can imagine the state of it and he was annoyed that the budget was to be so expensive.

I decided to strip all the walls to help rid the house of its smell but unfortunately all the plaster fell off, yes ALL of it, it was blown in every room so out again he came and reluctantly agreed we could have the whole house replastered. it also needed to be rewired as well as the tradesmen had refused to use any equipment in the house as the electrics were so bad! I spoke to 'Debra' who informed me our moving date was to stay as it was and after many tears she agreed we could delay it but as we couldn't afford 2 lots of rent she wasn't happy. She also arranged for the plastering to be completed before the electrics and double glazing and I'm afraid this made me loose my temper - this woman was about 20yrs old and clueless. Even though I pointed out the stupidness of this she refused to change her mind.

So we couldn't do anything indoors because the house was full of workmen, so that left the garden, the grass was 3ft high and we could get on with that or so we thought .......

We got spades, forks shrubs etc but the ground was to hard so we could only clear some grass and we realised to our horror the surface was 2ft higher and made of cat litter! Yep cat litter! The whole garden was deep in it! rock hard, it was like concrete and it stank. On the same day whilst digging, Jonathan pulled out 3 old and tatty shirts which were buried deep in the dirt. He also pulled out several skulls, excitedly telling me they were from a cat and being Jon he was delighted!  It was like a ghoulish private time-team - lol - he had always wanted a cat skull but I was totally freaked by this and headed indoors - then after an hour he had found 3 more complete with 'other' boney parts! I was inconsolable, I shook, I cried and I felt sick - but luckily one of the plasterers who were by now friends told the surveyor and I forbid Jon to do anymore digging. The man from the council told us to stop, declares the garden a health hazard and said he would have to get professionals in to clear the garden.

A few days later the 'professionals' turned up - well 3 or them with black bin bags and a spade! On inspection they refused to do anything to help as it was such a huge job. Therefore a week later the mini diggers came and three more men in huge lorries. The whole garden was to be removed to a depth of 3-4 feet and replaced with fresh top soil. From that back garden over 100 dead cats were removed as well as numerous rabbits and small animals - each day was like something out of 'pet cemetery' and I will never forget it. It was a vile job for them and I will never forget Jon coming out with custard creams on china plates as the youngest workman was vomiting in the corner after opening an ice cream tub of cat soup - honestly it was horrific. The front garden was also removed more cats and a large dog departed and the whole lot left the street in large lorries.

I started taking anti depressants after this and I forbade my children from telling their friends as the shame began to sink in. I can only talk about it now as we now have our lovely home and the mortgage to go with it but I am just beginning to laugh about it. The whole episode was an embarrassment to the council and we were offered compensation  possibly to keep us quiet? not a huge sum but a bit more than the bleach she had agreed to immediately. A couple of months free rent and a patio - this turned out to be 12 paving slabs and a small amount of cement - deeply ironic when you think what can end up under patios! All in all the whole house had been rebuilt, it took 5 months and it was still horrible when finished but we stayed for about 4 years. To me it was never a home, we didn't have one of those until we bought this one - proudly! The biggest irony was when we moved out we were warned we had to leave it in the state it was when we moved in.......we didn't 

Now i don't swear a great deal but I did that day at 'dear old Debra' - unbelievably she felt she still had to say that line from the agreement out loud.........

Incidentally if you are wondering, the previous tenants were two old boys. They collected cats and had about 60 in the house, one brother died in the property, having been left for many months before his body was removed he 'travelled' a bit lets say and the other went senile, eventually being put into a home once he reached 85 I believe. I often look around our home now and smile that its ours, no skeletons in our garden, nor does it smell and we even have a cat but how we remained 'upright' during that time I will never know.

But if anyone mentions Stephen King asks to bury something in the garden I won't be responsible for my actions - we know all the jokes x  

A Sunday Ramble

Today started badly - awoke feeling very sorry for myself as the pain in my shoulders is still shocking. Jon produced toast and tea which was nice then I decided to check my FaceBook account and there it was - a very unwelcome advertisement for Mcarthy Stone retirement flats!! And my now 'not so close' friend suggested I take a look, bloody cheek I'm no where near that time yet and even when I am I will need to be tranquillised before I considered moving into one! I will be dying my hair red and wearing eye liner possibly into my seventies! I refuse to be seen without lipstick and would rather ignore the door than open it if I don't look my best. Shallow? No its just me and i refuse to let this bloody disease beat me ......

I suggested to Jon we went out for lunch, he very reluctantly agreed as long as we go some where not busy - so unpopular?? I politely informed him if we did that we may well get salmonella food poisoning as that may well be why the restaurant is not busy - which is not really a good idea and he found that funny. I am now waiting for him to decide which establishment we will visit. It's hard for him doing things at short notice especially if involves being out in the world with people - socially..... More later

We go.....I do wish sometimes though that we could do things together like parties and day trips with others  but its never his thing. Its so hard watching your fella suffering to then try to enjoy yourself so I've learnt to appreciate other things instead and this seems to work well. I adore St Ives but to go in July could be horrendous - so we went on Christmas Day! It was wonderful we found a pub with a fire and had hot chocolate together, then afterwards we walked down to the beach and took hundreds of photos before heading to find seals. This is the type of pleasure I've grown to enjoy and all the rocks we have collected together have special memories. I soon forgot how cold I was or the fact my arthritis was terrible I just remember how much fun we had writing vast swear words in the sand.

For every negative I find I can find at least two positives and that fact keeps me going and I love the fact he is so knowledgable about things - I don't however appreciate the fact he argues with documentaries on the tv - that is a bit annoying, plus how when watching documentaries he says things two minutes before the narrator does!!! That really is annoying but that's something else I've got used to over the years. Don't all marriages need work, compromise and unselfish attitudes? It's no different with us really, I just need a regular top up of counselling every few years and some great friends as well.

My Twitter feed and followers have also really has helped the last couple of year. Through twitter I have chatted to other like minded people when I've been particularly down and depressed - there is always a friend to confide in. I call them all my 'little best friends who live in my iPhone' and some I really hope to actually meet some day. It's nice that if I don't tweet for a while people will actually check I am ok or to give me a 'shout' which basically tells all their followers to follow me. Many times I've considered dumping FB but not twitter, maybe a break now and again but never totally as I'm sure I would have gone mad without it.

Well we are back we settled on a local Carvery in the end. The pub was extremely busy but we got seated quickly. Jon was very uncomfortable in there, even shaking, but we managed to stay and I am now stuffed full of roast. It means a lot to me when we do go out because he obviously would rather not so we don't often venture out. Now and again we do - its a two way relationship - I don't do a lot because of his reactions to being with people but sometimes he does stuff he hates to please me - plus the food was great. Now I'm sitting looking at circuit diagrams making sure he solders the power supply up right - never boring.......

You know I never feel totally alone any more either, again that's thanks to twitter. it would be easy to just rely on these people for company but I feel it's time for me to branch out and do other things now. This could be a possible college course, the subject doesn't matter it's the going and doing that will. I will get some books tomorrow and see what's on offer - maybe I will do a technical history of German army WW2 vehicles - then that would be two of us making model tanks and spilling glue.........

No I don't think so either haha x

        

iPads and Bagpipes

Jon and I got our iPads roughly at the same time. I filled mine with games and the usual social groups twitter Facebook - as well as blogger so I could do this and talk to you. I  also have the usual emails and browsers etc. Not very interesting eh? Jons on the other hand has the equivalent of an 'activity centre for men' imposed on it - it flashes beeps and whirrs? He has more music making' synths software on there than Rick Wakeman and all of it makes every single sound you could ever want or need-  if programmed correctly including bagpipes!?! Unfortunately he has only managed so far to make one sound from them - it sounds like a cat being strangled! He wanders around the house grinning making the most dreadful noise and despite politely asking him to "shut up" he is still making it now. I may have to resort to hiding it or me! I did that years ago when my oldest proudly bought home a recorder that the school had given her, I lasted two days - then I hid it, luckily she didn't mind to much and all was forgotten so she practiced her notes on a ruler in class (just as I did as a child) - haha

I'm glad I've had today off the house looks a bit tidier and I've done loads on line that I needed to do and the good news is...

My friends monkey business will continue in her honour but will be renamed after her which made me cry again. I am amazed to see how much people loved her and will miss her greatly, that's something to be proud of in my book. So if you are on face book go to 'Matilda Camper Monkeys' and sock companions' and hit 'like' just for me. She was such a brave lady and she really did love making the little fellas,in her final months, it would be great to spread the word for her. I've got loads of them round the house and they are very very cute.

Jon returned this week from a trip to Cambridge - he was obviously 'away' from me and Horace. I missed him but if I am honest I really enjoyed being the centre of attention from the cat! Once he is back it always changes and the 'bromance' continues, everywhere Jon goes - Horace follows. I wake in the mornings and I find Horace snuggled into Jon and its a little galling to say the least. Yes Mr Horace, if you are listening - you only live in our house because I insisted, because I nagged for years and finally just went and chose you. This, with hindsight was possibly the bravest thing I've done as it could have gone so horribly wrong. But since his tiny paws crossed our threshold he has been Jons right hand pal - where there used to be photos of me there are now photos of Horace on his phone and his Facebook timeline is littered with them all with extra galling 'multiple' likes....

Jon never had any 'manageable' pets as a child other than angry gerbils and a 'corky the cat balloon' that was his friend but I will only become hysterical if I talk about that!... I think every kid should have a cat or a dog - it's part of growing up isn't it? Coming home from school and begging for a puppy, claiming you will walk it, feed it and clear up its poo as you are the ONLY kid in the whole school who hasn't got one sounds funny now but I used to lay in bed praying I would wake up and find a puppy downstairs. We did have cats but I wanted a dog !!! 

I still want one! I'm let's say a lot older but I'm still wanting one - only this time I'm considering my availability due to work, my painful hips, Jonathan's piles of books, mags etc. I got as far as buying a 'how to book' but not the dog (well yet) I don't want to wait until I'm retired to get one as by then I suspect I won't be able to walk it or myself for that matter?

Today is his 'aspie' people free day -  he has to have at least one as he finds all the noise and stress of other dealing with folk over whelming- so it's just the three of us and the TV and the ever present 'stamping elephants' who roam next door of course. I used to resent these days as I wanted to shop or eat out as I enjoy doing things like that but now I treasure these days as much as he does.

Today has been a good day x

Plastic Models and Captain Slow

Work or Play where's better? 

When you reach the stage you neither feel comfortable at home or a work what do you do? Neither place fills me with a desire to spent inordinate amounts of time there. At home I have the continual stamping of the baby elephants that live next door and the stress of what ever emergency Jonathan is solving or causing depending on the situation. Whilst at work I feel I am continually being reminded of my fibromyalgia and my short comings in the brain department - all of this has taken its toll on me this week. I therefore have a few days to try to relax and to give my body a bloody good talking to. My body is not my friend, it shakes and it hurts as well as resembling candle wax in places (not a good look). But can live with that, a pair of leggings or skinny jeans can hide a a multitude of sins and chuck a pair of heels on and I appear to loose a stone virtually instantly. My problem is the pain, the tiring dull ache that refuses to leave me, the pain in my shoulders that feels like someone has ripped my arms off plus the horrible sense of dread I live with constantly. I do not understand why but the fear will not leave me, I suspect it's down to my meds but I don't like it and now I've said it out loud hopefully it will die down.

Jon has returned from Cambridge this week with his official diagnosis of Aspergers, we knew anyway but an official test had to be completed and he is now wearing his title with pride and why shouldn't he? its the Aspergers that has enabled him to become the success he is and the obsessions that have shaped him into the man he is - not to mention filling up two bedrooms and a dining room. I blame James May or captain Slow as he is affectionately called on Top Gear, a while ago he did a few program's about toys - trains, Lego etc and he did one on 'airfix' kits. This in turn reminded my dear husband just how much he loved doing them so he decided to start again with German tanks and off to the shop we went after at least an hour his first kit was purchased. He rushed home all excited and built it within a few hours - he doesn't need the instructions as he can just tell where all the bits go - it's a shame he can't do that with DIY but never mind. Many times i had to get up as precious parts flew through the air to disappear behind the sofa..... Yep you guessed it I now have a house full of plastic German tanks all lined up ready to be built painted and displayed some where? but not here , Please...Some of the soldiers he has hidden around the house - one of which was stuck to our freezer door for months. Why he can't have one and then build it before painting it goodness only knows but he must have over a hundred. Then there is the model railway gun 4 foot long replete with trains and planes he also has - all to be built - some already started. So Mr May are you happy now? We have glue, kits, reference books, magazines, DVDs, paints, tiny screwdrivers bits of metal and ice cream tubs full of goodies all over the house..... I've always preferred Richard Hammond anyway especially now!!! 

I really do need a safe haven a place where I can go and relax, a place where I can totally switch off from everything or maybe I could just turn every thing around me off instead. I could then use this time to catch up with my house work, maybe have a holiday before returning home to turn everything back on again so the usual manic chaos can resume because I'm sure I would miss it really and what would I write about? 

I'd never be bored though as I would have all these model kits to complete but I would paint them all pink I'd have to have the last laugh.....

And I would send the first to Captain Slow with lots of glitter ......

Gyms Dinosaurs and Honesty

Black and White

Life cannot all be described as "black and white" as there's is a lot of grey as well in my opinion at least. Whilst I have said in my profile I hate liars I do agree that small white ones now and again to protect someone's feelings are excusable - I've done it myself. 

Years ago I went shopping with a very dear friend who asked my opinion on a dress she had purchased and was so excited that she had got it. The fact she looked like my grans  old sofa in it was not a comment I had the heart to make, neither could I say it's best to keep your coat on when you get there. So I just said she looked fine and she went off extremely happy and we still remain friends now many years later. That in my book is not lying, its a grey area granted but it isn't. Now apply this situation to Jonathan - "yep you knew that's where I was going to go didn't you?" We'll he can't do it, not even the little white ones which is frustrating and often hurtful especially after I ask "do I look fat" or "did you like my hair blonde" questions. I've always been less than pleased with the replies, this also applies to days out we have been on where I have spent money on tickets for concerts or shows for us both. All I want is a polite "yes thanks it was great" which would suffice rather than "that was Aspie hell" or "you owe me for going" comments he sometimes utters. 

This has also happened at home when I've spent hours wallpapering or painting a room only to have him tell me "it looks terrible" - I've tried so hard to live with this and to be fair he now says "what do you want me to say" which is kind of funny as I still know he hates it. Many times I've dreaded the kids or friends asking him stuff as I know they will get the same honesty which is often difficult to take. I try to remain calm in a a difficult situation but on occasion I have snapped and my retorts have not been very nice I have many times regretted deeply some of the things I have snapped back at him and i have seen the hurt expression on his face but he has often pushed me to snapping but I instantly regret what I have said  unfortunately he is  totally incapable of realising they are not always meant, and I do not have an endless supply of patience.

This is why I feel a support group is so important!

I joined a gym it was time for me to chill, relax, swim and enjoy time to myself. Not to necessarily jump on a treadmill and do a 50k run but more to recharge my head, a time to plug in my iPod and tune out my stress plus the chronic pain that's always with me. But blimey it's a stress in its self, nubile women with perfect bodies, toned tanned and gorgeous in the evenings or day times older ladies who dare I say it need ironing or frustrated mums with noisy children! I've had less stressful fillings! at the dentist. I have driven there and looked at the parking and turned the car around  and come straight home. Therefore I need the motivation to start getting out of my little Citroen C1 and going in because the only thing getting a workout at the moment is......my car. I always take the long way home and I will arrive home to a cup of tea and a smile and calm will have been restored so in that respect the gym is worth the money!

See life can be difficult it is for everybody but surely it's that difficulty that makes the good times so good and coming home to Jonathan after a bad day to his kindness, humour and thoughtfulness, to a meal he has cooked for me and his copy of the "History of the dinosaurs" that makes all the stress melt away 

All be it Temporarily .....

For you Amanda

Rocks or people?


Today's blog is one I hoped to write many months from now, a very dear friend of mine passed away from cancer yesterday after a long battle with the disease.  I loved her and we had a friendship that spanned about twenty years.

We worked together originally, then many years later we worked together again - much to her amusement. We were not allowed, after weeks of hilarity to sit together as we apparently disturbed the other members of staff. I will never forget her filling the bubble tubes in the shop (our first job) with bubble bath which eventually lead to an isle full of white foam about two foot deep - that isle floor was 3 shades brighter than the rest for many years!

Nor her antics with the microphone forgotten but best not repeated. Many times her laugh would penetrate across the shop floor or her choice of swear words - yes she often made me cringe but her sense of fun was infectious. Many years later she still had it despite terminal illness - she still rang and texted me regularly to make sure I was ok as she knew I was suffering with my fibro.

Rip Amanda you fabulous lady I will never forget you......

This leads me onto a topic or question that fascinates me, I really did love ‘Manda’ -  I got back from her, entertainment, support , friendship and a relationship that however much it hurts now I'm glad I've had. I can lay in my bed and replay some of the naughty things we did together and I still laugh! I can smile to myself when I remember her putting on her phone voice which sounded so ridiculous I actually had to leave the room. How could you prefer the company of a rock or a fossil to a person - a funny one of a kind like her?  I will never understand it, I am a people person I need others around me I am happy in their company whilst I do get days when I do prefer Horace that's down to me not them?

Jon has a built in affinity with stonrs and fossils but not people – they baffle him….he can’t share them the way I do

My fibro makes me tired it makes me scratchy some days but it will never stop me being me. In the same way I can't understand Jonathan's allegiance to stones, books and fossils but I have to respect that if they mean as much to him as she did to me then - who am I to tell him to get rid of them , I can't can I? It's what makes him Jonathan, all the boxes, books and piles are just part of his personality.

So in order to keep all his possessions safe and not necessarily under my feet 

we just need a bigger flipping house xx

Goldilocks and the three bears

 Living with a literal thinker can be difficult if not a bit frustrating. Say for example, I dish up a couple of plates of fish fingers and chips, One with two fish fingers and one with three.Jon will say "which one is mine" - I will answer - "the one with 3 on it". A while later he returns into the dining room, a puzzled look on his face and no food - ? - because neither plate had a number 3 on it!  It wouldn't occur to him to count the fish fingers, you may laugh but it is so annoying - haha.

If I have a chicken in the oven and he goes for a drink of water and I say "have a look at the chicken for me" he will come back and say - "it's ok it's STILL IN THERE,,," - now that's just plain bloody frustrating but it's something that actually endears him to me even more - well eventually! It's that almost childlike ideology which is priceless and sometimes a great sense (source?) of entertainment.

I always try and take a deep breath, count to 361 and continue through gritted teeth - haha 

We helped out years ago at a school who specialise in children with Aspergers and most of the children boarded. All were tiny little dots under 5 and all mini Jonathan's, full of obsessions and the beginnings of collections with ideas all yet unspoilt by the everyday pressures life can heap upon you.

Every morning that week the children would refuse to eat their porridge, preferring to eat toast instead.  Not one child would touch it or even look at it for that matter. In conversation at the end of the week the teachers realised the children had been reading Goldilocks and the 3 bears. In the story at breakfast time Goldilocks sits down to eat her porridge whilst all the bears watch, the relevant line in the story goes something like this
 " so Goldilocks sits down to the table and all eyes fall upon the porridge"....

See - literally just like Jon - every child believed if they looked at it or tipped their heads down their eyes would fall in to their porridge .......... poor kids were terrified

Jon tends to use this literalism in his artwork - so it can be a pain but it can also be a source of unusual inspiration too - which works

Anyway more later but tonight my hands are bad so please forgive me but I'm signing off xx

Woody and Buzz Lightyear

Funny title isn't it? I bet you are wondering why I've chosen it .....

It's an analogy I came up with whilst talking to a councillor years ago,as to how it feels when Jonathan meets new people/artists whilst on his travels,it feels for me like Woody does when suddenly your not exciting enough anymore sad but true. Not all of his new friends but certainly a couple have had this effect but none of them have lasted the distance. 

I am Woody, the original toy who is always there like a faithful friend loyal and totally honest. Then along they come each one all, shiny new and exciting as they make all the correct noises and promise the earth - everything is wonderful, the conversations flow and suddenly their names crop up in virtually every sentence,  and all the warning signs start flashing - well for me anyway. Aspies often believe all what they are told literally,  therefore if you promise to help you must do so. If you are trusted enough to be allowed to hear his innermost feelings then don't months down the line abandon him or use them to somehow point score against him. These people or Buzz Lightyears, come and go but each one has left a mark on our marriage. Just for a moment don't get me wrong, we are not talking sex or a full blown affairs here, he is not like that but sometimes the in depth discussions with other women do feel like it as each one is always understanding things so much better than myself. The last time was the worst and I have refused to go through it again. I think he now knows the effect it has on me and the fact people cannot always be trusted.

I had a friend once who after leaving the place where we met to go and work somewhere else, returned to see me to persuade me that I should join her. I went and had a look and was impressed with what I saw I got an interview and indeed a job! I handed in my notice and my boss refused to except it ..... She had applied behind my back for my job! 

Whilst I have never met anyone else as evil or devious as her it taught me a lesson and a valuable one too, I just wish Aspies, Jon in particular could also learn it - but i know he cant. I have some good friends and I am grateful for their support over the years but I don't always believe what I'm told by everybody and being told you are the topic of conversation in the canteen hurts especially when it's your so called friends doing it. I can't protect Jon from such things as well, all I can do is be there and try not to become too involved - pick up the pieces afterwards. I do not  enjoy this in the slightest as so much of me wants to shout 

"I told you so" 

but its my responsibility isn't it ? as he looks out for me when he can.

He has a large collection of stones from places all over the world - he always has one in his pocket or on his desk. These are his friends, he feels safe amongst them and he has recognisable long term favourites too. I took one into work and he became very upset that I took that particular one - I had to return it as soon as I could. Whilst I don't completely understand, as I get older more of me does and I feel relieved he has them because they make my life a bit easier as they calm him down.

Hah! - Maybe they might work for Horace who at the moment is running about madly in the sunshine chasing his shadow? I am learning everyday but now I am wondering what the heck I've started and can I ever stop ...........?

Sleepy Pussy Cat

Sshh Sleepy Horace after today's excitement

 

Peace and quiet

Jonathan goes away sometimes , just over night whilst he works at Cambridge Autism Research Unit. I used to dread these trips but now I kind of treat them as a form of almost respite care - haha. Time to myself to wallow in deep baths, to watch trashy soaps and to watch as many adverts as I like! 

The last statement is correct if not a little bizarre - Jon hates them and when ad breaks appear will flick maniacally through the channels often cursing whilst doing so. I often point out the ad breaks are nearly always at the same time on all sides but I don't think he has grasped this - haha. I have also been to our local M&S at 8.30 as they close at 10pm just because I could! I tidy the house the day he goes and I don't need to do it again until he returns with loads of washing, fossils and train time tables (more about that later in another blog) 

Strangely enough though after a couple of days I begin to miss him and the constant noise he insists we have to listen too (he has a radio on most of the time). I find myself sleeping in his T shirts and talking to the cat. I get excited when he rings then annoyed as he often just tells me what he has been up to, telling me everything hurriedly in a kind of matter of fact manner. I will have had a take away and driven through the drive in, a luxury he won't ever experience!? I don't get why but he refuses. By this time I will be feeling guilty as I've eaten to many calories and am very lonely. He is my life you see, my world, without him I am lost. I've become so used to looking out for him I've kind of lost my identity in the process- this I hope to reclaim through my blog. I am striving to step out again on my own as myself even if its only for a few moments whilst I type new words and mould sentences. Please don't think I resent him I don't I adore him and the crazy madness he has added to my life but if you step away from it you realise just how manic it can be.

At this very moment I can hear him upstairs playing with Horace acting out some battle or something, bombs, planes - the works, so let's step back in to regain some order in the house before one of them gets hurt........

It's been a good day

Link for Jonathan

PS

In case you were wondering what Jonathan actually does I have attached a link to his project blog for his work as artist at The Autism Research Centre with Simon Baron Cohen - I will over time also show you some of his illustrations etc but please enjoy this for now x

http://www.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/2266871

Driving from A to B

Driving me - from A to B 

I learnt to drive years ago before my first daughter was born, I had seen all these poor mums with prams shopping bags and toddlers on the bus and I decided that was not going to be for me. I took ages learning but once I had passed my test and I had purchased my first car I was independent and I loved it.......

Then I met Jonathan!

Suddenly I was not the confident driver any more and the dreaded speedo was more important than the bloody road! We will be going along and he will say "your doing 31 love" or "it's only 40 along here"  or "speed camera" now. I am not a maniac, speed freak or a budding formula one driver but blimey 31 how shameful. Also he has set my sat nav to ring a bell every time I go over the speed limit - so I have both of them on my case. I find myself on long trips almost resigned to the fact that within 30 mins my blood will be boiling and I will have planned his murder at least 3 times. The last time I actually demanded the sat nav was turned off or he had to get out. All this aside, he can go anywhere once and even years later he will still remember the way - incredibly. I get lost almost weekly, in fact when we moved into our house I went out for a loaf and had to ask my way back from some kind old lady - haha. Anyway, his memory is amazing, mine is not! In fact, I worried for months if I was perhaps developing altziemers or something, as I would find my bin liners in the freezer or washing machine still not turned on after I was convinced I had done so. After I watched 'Finding Nemo' I related to the character Dory so much, it was her 'just keep swimming' attitude that kind of works for me. All this forgetfulness has since been attributed to my fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia sucks, its chronic pain in the soft tissue that as well as the arthritis in my bones means I pretty much hurt EVERYWHERE. This and the itchy skin, lack of sleep and fuzzy head, oh and the sudden urge to launch myself onto the floor legs akimbo - makes me a catch to say the least.  With all this including Jons panicking we really are the ideal dinner guests, in fact that's probably why we stay in a lot. My condition is very closely linked to chronic fatigue or ME, so I'm often to tired to venture out. I long for a job I really enjoy that would give me the freedom to do other things but I feel this is pretty much 'IT' for me, so I am really enjoying the freedom this blog is awarding me. The release from stress sharing the pain and 'aspiexcitement' - kind of makes it slightly less frightening - well at least for me anyway, you guys could be tearing your hair out reading it for all I know.

Jon has reacted well to me being ill, he is used to me falling over and now carefully piles all his stuff up at the side of the room - not in the middle! He has taken over certain jobs in the house completely including cooking as  can no longer get hot stuff out of the oven as well as forgetting its in there - he has to do it. We are a good team despite us both being ill in very different ways and are learning to adjust to each others needs. 

Since the children have fled the nest, this stage of our lives should be about things we want to do after many years of 'duty' but I find life rather cruel in some ways as I'm not able to easily do the things I dreamed I would once free. Oh well in reality neither of us has an actual death sentence as it were and we can still laugh.

We laugh lots, oh yes we LAUGH lots but sometimes for the life of me I just can't remember why!? 

Trains pains and Theatres with patience

'Trains, pains and theatres with patience'

Every couple argue, in my book it's healthy to have a bloody good shout to clear the air. I prefer the shouting kind of man rather than the sulky kind of man. Years ago I went out with a chap who if he didn't get his own way would refuse to talk to me for sometimes days. I got very sick of his sulking and kicked him into touch very quickly, I'm not one to pander and beg a man to talk to me nor will I not stand my ground if I honestly believe either my opinion is correct or valued. It can be very frustrating therefore living with a literal thinking man and it can be a challenge to say the least! 

When we got married, only a few years ago, my very much missed mother-in-law actually publicly thanked me for not killing him much to everyone's amusement but she was not joking - not really. How can you go through life without being able to scream obscenities and know the person on the receiving end knows you really don't mean it. It's just you letting off steam as you've either have had enough of all the questions or have had a bad day. This is the reason I held back on writing this blog as I do not want Jon to become a figure of fun - it's not like that at all But if I can make just one person laugh, I will be delighted.

I have received some wonderful comments a few have actually made me cry, this crazy mix of counselling and patience is and has been my life. It's a life I wouldn't change for the world but I have craved the odd day off now and again. You see I see it like this, when my girls were little if I went shopping and I went through the checkout loaded with shiny  sweets I knew they would play up! So I would wait in one that didn't have any sweets, my choice which made life easier unless of course some person in front had shed loads of food with not enough money. It did happen to me once, haha - but you get what I'm saying  obviously (sorry I'm rambling). Well my life is like that, I have to plan in advance, no instant days out, no short cuts home, no surprise presents or parties - every thing is planned. It can make for an exciting Christmas I can tell you, but that's another blog post. 

We went to the theatre today, a treat for me as my fibromyalgia has been shocking again - some more in another post later about that. I was pleased the people we sat next to were not drowning in perfume nor did they sing or talk to much (Things like that I dread as they can spoil our trip - Jon cannot stand it). It turns out the show was delightful, no one ate noisy crisps or kicked the back of the seats, then as we left, behind us I noticed a small boy about 5 dressed from head to toe in a Darth Vader costume including mask !!  He marched past with a swish of his cape ....So cute !

May the force be with you............

Today has been a good day x

Check checking and check again

'Check checking and check again'

Well I'm very excited as I had some nice comments regarding my first effort - I hope this one is as well received so here goes:

Every time we leave the house the conversation goes like this........

Jon "is the door locked ?"
Me "yes "
Jon "are you sure."
Me "YES! "
Jon "ok let's go"
I then start the engine and drive off
Jon "you sure you locked the door?"
Me in a rather louder tone "YES"
Jon "I'm not sure can we go and check?"

Aaarrrggghhhhh

So I turn car around and drive back to the house and we start all over again !!!


Once I refused to go back and I swore at him loudly ...oops ...all day he worried we had left the front door unlocked in fact he drove me so mad with the constant questions we came home early. So I've learnt it's far easier to just go along with it, this applies to the windows, doors ,kettle and even the toaster that has to be unplugged just in case it decides to toast thin air whilst we are out! All of this is frustrating to say the least but its part of him, I can't change it, so I try and have a giggle, after all I knew what I was getting into very early in our relationship or did I?

I had emergency surgery very early on in our relationship, when I awoke from my operation I was surrounded by hand drawn pictures and a plastic camel! The camel I still really don't understand but from that point I realised Jon was special if not a little different.
I can still remember the ward nurses being more worried about him than me as he appeared to be completely lost and visibly upset when he had to leave, so much so they agreed he could have an extra hour by my bedside! That in my book is love, not the expensive presents, the flashy hotels and meals in restaurants (and the credit card bills that go with it for most of us anyway!) don't get me wrong now and again they would be most welcome!! Jon yes that's a hint but that camel means a lot to me, even now.

It's so easy to get completely sucked into spending copious amounts of money on sparkly diamonds and designer labels but do they really make life so much better? See I don't have to worry about Jon saying he is somewhere he isn't, neither do I worry he is out drinking with the boys. The best thing about living with an Aspie is his almost child like honesty and the fact he is incapable of being anyone else - that is priceless in my book.
I've learnt a lot over the last 13 yrs, I've been present when Jon has been a guest speaker at universities and schools. Often this is to audiences who have also struggled as he has with dyslexia or Aspergers but he is not ill, he has no disorder or disease as i have heard it referred to. He has a difference yes but it's that difference that makes him Jonathan and for that I am glad! But I've learnt too never ask him does my bum look big in this? If I'm not prepared for the reply!

Be kind it's only the first one

Be kind its only the first one - April 4th 2013

This week it was Autism awareness week I felt it was a good time to start this blog. I have wanted to for a few years now after a few kind words from a lady who I spoke to once many years ago who described me as the strongest person she had ever met.  I was amazed as at the time I was a quivering jelly like substance who cried every time someone even looked at me strangely but a lot has happened since and I've never forgotten her.

I felt it was important to write this after I had enquired many years ago, if there were any  help lines/support groups for partners of Aspies who struggle with the day to day realities. A place where you can go AAARRGGHHHHH and people understand! Most of the people I have spoken too do not. I love my husband to bits but there are days when I could easily cut him up and bury him in our back garden but comments such as "leave him I would" are neither helpful nor constructive. I was told that there are no groups for partners but lots for parents? when I asked why I was informed no one stays married? This is ridiculous we have been together 13yrs? and I have since learned I am not alone. It's ridiculous to say such a thing he is a brilliant husband thoughtful, loyal,honest and hardworking but also well a bit nuts. This is the BEST quality of them all and the one I want to share with you as he has made me laugh and cry over the years but life is never boring.

I don't think I could live with anyone else now I have learnt the ONLY place for the coffee table is in the center of the lounge, country music summons up the devil and the colour yellow tastes of mold. Such things have almost started making sense, I say almost as I feel its a slippery slope that .... lets not go there eh?. I am neither clever, talented or even beautiful for that matter but the one thing I do have is a sense of humour and this has carried me through the last 13 years.  I have often been told I should write a book but I cant spell and have no knowledge of grammer at all, and I write as I speak with all my school reports stating if I was as interested in my studies as I was in talking I could be Einstein! so here goes 

I joined a gym as I was very unhappy and thats where we met, he was a struggling artist/poet who invited me to see his etchings and I was actually very disappointed as he did actually mean his etchings. I have since learned he never says anything he doesn't mean. He has a sense of naivety about him that I find very attractive and he has never lost that. Don't get me wrong I am not looking at it in a way as a mother would but he is not the typical lad who talks women and football, I found him a breath of fresh air. He treated me like porcelain he text-ed me when he said he would he listened to me intently and he appeared to know more about me than anyone else ever had. I didn't need to explain, it just was 'I became his world'. I would find notes cards etc all confirming this and I loved the attention, i felt loved and special so I fell head over heels in love with him.

One day I found him crying as he was so worried about wallpaper colours as he couldnt live with any run of the mill print I would choose. He had to have the final say in any decor as he is unable to compromise which struck me as odd and I really didnt understand what he was trying to tell me I do now. 

OH 

        I

           DO

                NOW 

Every house we have lived in the coffee table is always in the middle of the lounge, no more can I come home from work and move the furniture around like I used to as the furniture either 'tastes right or wrong' therefore its always the same. I cannot have the brilliant white paint work i used to love and I cannot have the wild bright prints I used to have every where. Our house is a mad mix of William Morris prints and greens and greys. Waterhouse ladies on walls and no carpets on the floors. Our cat Horace, a very resent addition has learnt that certain areas of the house are no go areas and that all the pebbles/stones in piles are in fact not to be played with but Jon's precious friends gathered over the years but I'm afraid the dried seahorse he has had since he was a child has since lost his head, oops naughty cat! 

It is a mass of stuff most of which kept since childhood and deemed to be precious. I used to spend hours sorting and chucking stuff in my home and a 'trip to the tip' was always exciting but again this rarely happens now. Don't get me wrong I love our house the clutter the loft/office full of boxes its ours but I do often crave open space and anything from IKEA.

I came home from work once to see all my knickers and bras strung up on fishing wire outside our flat blowing in the wind, all my tatty ones as well! Jon and the kids all smiling and laughing it was a celebration of me coming home. I was bloody furious to start with but over the years I've warmed to it and it really was kind of sweet. They were genuinely pleased to see me, few people have love like that the kids have grown up but Jon is the same. I was lucky and that feeling keeps me going even now nobody has what I have its not always easy but its always different and i wouldn't swap it EVER 

Day one post one

Just setting up watch for more posts soon - test