Black and White
Life cannot all be described as "black and white" as there's is a lot of grey as well in my opinion at least. Whilst I have said in my profile I hate liars I do agree that small white ones now and again to protect someone's feelings are excusable - I've done it myself.
Years ago I went shopping with a very dear friend who asked my opinion on a dress she had purchased and was so excited that she had got it. The fact she looked like my grans old sofa in it was not a comment I had the heart to make, neither could I say it's best to keep your coat on when you get there. So I just said she looked fine and she went off extremely happy and we still remain friends now many years later. That in my book is not lying, its a grey area granted but it isn't. Now apply this situation to Jonathan - "yep you knew that's where I was going to go didn't you?" We'll he can't do it, not even the little white ones which is frustrating and often hurtful especially after I ask "do I look fat" or "did you like my hair blonde" questions. I've always been less than pleased with the replies, this also applies to days out we have been on where I have spent money on tickets for concerts or shows for us both. All I want is a polite "yes thanks it was great" which would suffice rather than "that was Aspie hell" or "you owe me for going" comments he sometimes utters.
This has also happened at home when I've spent hours wallpapering or painting a room only to have him tell me "it looks terrible" - I've tried so hard to live with this and to be fair he now says "what do you want me to say" which is kind of funny as I still know he hates it. Many times I've dreaded the kids or friends asking him stuff as I know they will get the same honesty which is often difficult to take. I try to remain calm in a a difficult situation but on occasion I have snapped and my retorts have not been very nice I have many times regretted deeply some of the things I have snapped back at him and i have seen the hurt expression on his face but he has often pushed me to snapping but I instantly regret what I have said unfortunately he is totally incapable of realising they are not always meant, and I do not have an endless supply of patience.
This is why I feel a support group is so important!
I joined a gym it was time for me to chill, relax, swim and enjoy time to myself. Not to necessarily jump on a treadmill and do a 50k run but more to recharge my head, a time to plug in my iPod and tune out my stress plus the chronic pain that's always with me. But blimey it's a stress in its self, nubile women with perfect bodies, toned tanned and gorgeous in the evenings or day times older ladies who dare I say it need ironing or frustrated mums with noisy children! I've had less stressful fillings! at the dentist. I have driven there and looked at the parking and turned the car around and come straight home. Therefore I need the motivation to start getting out of my little Citroen C1 and going in because the only thing getting a workout at the moment is......my car. I always take the long way home and I will arrive home to a cup of tea and a smile and calm will have been restored so in that respect the gym is worth the money!
See life can be difficult it is for everybody but surely it's that difficulty that makes the good times so good and coming home to Jonathan after a bad day to his kindness, humour and thoughtfulness, to a meal he has cooked for me and his copy of the "History of the dinosaurs" that makes all the stress melt away
All be it Temporarily .....
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